This oatmeal version makes chocolate chip cookies that are large and chewy; nothing like the ones in packages at the store. Only a small amount of expertise is needed and the results are well worth the effort.

1. Find the recipe. Oatmeal companies have conveniently printed it right on their box, so you won’t have to dig through all the yellow, disintegrating recipes that have accumulated through the years. Plan to make a double batch as they go quickly.

2. Blend 3/4 cup shortening with 1-cup brown sugar and ½ cup of sugar. Use a mixer to make this process easier. Did you make sure the brown sugar was soft so that the mixer would not sling it all over the wall? Stop and clean the wall. If that stuff gets hard, it is like concrete, and you will really have a mess.

3. Now add ¼ cup of water. You did use margarine, didn’t you, instead of the stuff that comes in a can? If not, the cookies are going to taste greasy and stick to the roof of your mouth. If you did not use margarine, return to Step #1. While you are at the store, buy real margarine – but not the soft kind; it has water in it. Thank goodness I warned you! That’s what you were going to get, isn’t it?

4. Okay, did you add the egg? Pick out any eggshell. I know it is a source of calcium, but we are talking cookies here, not health food. Add 1 teaspoon of vanilla. Do not nip any on the side, regardless of the temptation. It has high alcohol content, and we don’t want to make any more stupid mistakes.

5. Add 1 cup of sifted flour and 1 teaspoon of baking soda. You can use the mixer again, but remember what happened last time. Wait! Blend it in before you turn on the mixer. Oh, no! WOW, look at that dust cloud! I never knew flour could create a mushroom cloud.

6. After the flour is blended, you are ready for the oatmeal. Measure 3 cups. If there is a little bit left over, just throw that in too. Forget the spoon and dig in with your hands and squish.

7. When blended, throw in a bag of chocolate chips. Use a lot, regardless of what the recipe says about adding one cup.

8. Oven should be heated to 350 degrees. Don’t tell me – let me guess. You forgot to turn on the oven, didn’t you? Argh! What ever made you try to bake cookies? Do you even have a cookie sheet? That figures! Well, forget going to the store at this point. Go borrow a couple from the neighbors. They won’t mind since they figure you’ll bring some cookies when you return them.

9. Grease the cookie sheets. I know the recipe says not to. Just listen to me; I KNOW! Drop batter in small spoonfuls on the cookie sheet and place in oven for 12-15 minutes. While cookies bake, clean kitchen. Set timer on oven.

10. What’s that smell? I told you to set the timer! Okay, okay, I hope you doubled the recipe just in case. Just throw those burned ones out for the birds. “Here birdie, birdie, birdie.”

11. Let’s try again. Turn the oven down and watch it carefully. Remember, I said SMALL spoonfuls! Good. We do not want them to turn into one large cookie, do we? Do not leave the room; do not clean the kitchen; do not go to the bathroom. When timer goes off, remove the first batch. Don’t they smell good? Wait! Let them cool a bit before you try to remove them. Fix the second batch on the other cookie sheet and place in oven while you wait.

12. Okay, with a metal spatula, carefully remove baked cookies. Careful! Well, just eat your mistakes. Broken cookies have no calories. Be sure to watch that second batch in the oven. Whadda ya mean, “Uh, Oh!?”

13. FIRE! FIRE! Dial 911!

14. After the fire department leaves and the smoke clears, clean oven, mop kitchen floor, clean walls, wash curtains. Go to store and buy a couple packages of chocolate chips cookies. You’d better just leave the cookie baking to the elves from now on. Throw a bit of flour in your hair; at least you’ll look like a cook.

©2000 Sheila Moss