Ah, Spring is here! Hormones surge… instinct takes over.. a woman’s thoughts turn to… HOUSE CLEANING! Yes, it’s true! Dust is in the air. It is time to celebrate the honored ritual of spring house cleaning.

It must be a primitive nesting instinct, the urge to renew and revive. Suddenly it becomes apparent that your house resembles a college dorm room.

Here are a few of the tell-tell signs:

1. Your front door has more fingerprints than the FBI.

2. The dust mites are having an anniversary party under your bed.

3. You are wearing clothes from the floor of the closet – inside out.

4. Your family is eating off paper plates so you don’t have to open the cabinets.

5. You need a gas mask when you open the refrigerator.

6. The kids can’t find their toys — in fact they can’t find the toy box.

7. The garbage disposal is coughing.

8.. You can’t find the cordless phone unless it rings.

9. You can’t turn on the ceiling fan without creating a dust storm.

10. Your chore for the day is to find the vacuum cleaner bags — and the vacuum cleaner.

11. The remote control has been lost in a sofa crack since the end of football season.

12. The kitty litter is a concrete block.

13. The cat has been missing for three days.

14. There is something solid and black in the bottom of the coffeepot.

15. You can’t decide whether to clean the windows or just buy mini blinds.

16. The dog has offered to loan you his doghouse.

17. The mail hasn’t been opened since last tax season.

18. The piles of magazines may fall over and bury you.

19. You are afraid to turn on the oven because bugs may be raising a family in there.

20. You wonder if a hosedown would ruin the carpets.

21. There is something sprouting in the dishwasher.

22. The washing machine reminds you of a concrete mixer.

23.. You can’t go outside because fresh air makes you dizzy.

24. It seems easier to move than to clean the house.

If any of these seem slightly familiar, you too may have spring cleaning fever. The male of the species is seldom affected. Like PMS, spring cleaning fever is exclusive to the female.

Fortunately, the cure is rather simple. Apply soap and water, disinfectant, furniture polish, scouring powder, grease solvent, and plenty of elbow grease and your fever will be cured in a matter of hours, with results lasting at least till the family gets home.

©2002