I’m not a morning person, never have been, never will be. I just don’t seem to be able to wake up in the morning. Here is the way a typical morning goes at my house:
Alarm clock sounds:
He: Woke up before alarm went off and is already in shower running water.
Me: “Groan”… Hit snooze alarm and turn over.
He: Continues to run water. It sounds like Niagara Falls in the bathroom.
Me: Alarm goes off; I hit snooze alarm again and put pillow over my head.
He: Runs electric razor and electric toothbrush. It sounds like a chain saw massacre in the bathroom.
Me: I give up and get out of bed.
He: Finishes with personal grooming and gets dressed.
Me: Drag myself to the bathroom, put head on bathroom counter and go back to sleep.
He: Goes to kitchen for coffee. Alarm that I forgot to turn off buzzes.
Me: Brush teeth, consider taking a shower.
He: Goes to computer to check email.
Me: Decide I really have to get wet if I want to take a shower. Try to get over it.
He: Does mysterious things with the faucets that cause my water to run hot and cold in the shower.
Me: Look for anything to wear that doesn’t need to be ironed – anything.
He: Turns on television. It sounds like a rock music festival out there.
Me: It’s too early. Oh my head. I need coffee and aspirin.
He: Changes channel on TV and starts laughing. How can anyone laugh at this hour of morning?
Me: Crawl around on closet floor looking for two shoes that match.
He: “Your coffee is ready in the kitchen.”
Me: Open tuna cat food and feed screaming cat that sounds like a mountain lion in heat.
He: Watches more TV and waits for me to get ready.
Me: Look for hairbrush and fix hair.
He: “Are you ready to go?”
Me: “Go??? I have to put on makeup!” I don’t know why. No amount of makeup can help at six o’clock in the morning. It’s inhuman to be up so early.
He: “Hurry up! It’s time to leave!”
Me: “If you can’t wait for me to get ready, just go on!”
He: Gets his lunch out of fridge that he made the day before.
Me: Look in fridge and try to find something without mold to take for lunch.
He: Puts dogs outside.
Me: Can’t find purse.
He: “We have to leave or we will be late.”
Me: “Have you seen my purse?”
He: “It’s on the chair where you left it.”
Me: Drag lunch and purse to car.
He: Turns on radio to a too jolly-in-the-morning DJ.
Me: Drink coffee from car mug and try to keep eyes open.
He: Stomps on accelerator and screeches out of driveway towards Interstate.
Me: Mr. Caffeine kicks in at last and I begin to feel almost human.
It wouldn’t be so bad if only morning didn’t come so early and so often. I just don’t do mornings.