1. Your idea of a good stiff drink is “Slim Fast.”
2. You proudly wear a mother’s ring with multi-colored birthstones.
3. You have a bumper sticker that says, “My child is a wanna-be honor student.”
4. Your TV remote is stuck on the Saturday morning cartoons.
5. You spend your wedding anniversary at a mouse’s theme park.
6. You’re nominated for Den Mother of the Year and your kids aren’t even in scouts.
7. Your idea of fine dining is Pizza instead of a Happy Meal.
8. You hit your thumb with a hammer and can’t say a swear word.
9. You’ve melted three sippy cups because the coffee mugs were all dirty.
10. You go to PTA meetings just to get away from the kids.
11. You know the Dr. Suess ABC book by memory.
12. Your sofa crackles from of the candy wrappers under the cushions.
13. You’d like to have a nervous breakdown, but it isn’t on your schedule.
14. You are saving Popsicle sticks to build Barbie furniture.
15. You find a quarter and you know one of the kids lost their lunch money.
16. You eat cold cereal because oatmeal in the microwave takes too long.
17. All the back seat drivers in your life are in booster seats.
18. You take out a second mortgage to pay for the kids’ dental braces.
19. You lock the bathroom door to keep the kids out.
20. You shop only at WalMart because they have carts for the kids to ride in.
21. Your family photo album is a twelve volume set.
22. You can stay up later than the kids at bedtime – most of the time.
23. You think chewing gum is a serious occupational hazard.
24. You don’t have furniture – you have upholstered trampolines.
25. Your favorite thing in life is 30 minutes alone with Mr. Bubbles.
26. Your medicine cabinet contains syrup of ipecac, glow-in-the-dark band aids and M&M’s.
27. You can’t remember not having children. You’re sure they were born before you were.

@2000 Sheila Moss