In view of the fact that so many of ya’ll from up north are moving south, we thought we would bring in some experts on southern lifestyle to give you a makeover and help you adjust to our way of life. Many Yankees are pitifully deficient in know how due to being culturally deprived of southern customs. It’s never too late, however — at least we hope not.

Our expert fashion advisor is Billy Bob Johnson, manager of the Military Surplus and Sporting Goods store. According to Billy Bob, it takes little to be in style in the South. If you have a pair of faded jeans and couple T-shirts, you’re already halfway there. The well-dressed good old boy wouldn’t be caught dead without a selection of ball caps, worn for both everyday and special occasions. You may also want a cowboy hat for Sunday and a pair of genuine leather cowboy boots for fancy occasions. Add a camouflage outfit for hunting or fishing and you’ve got it covered.

The local barber, Earl Ray Goodson, who learned to cut hair in the prison barber school, has agreed to coach us in personal grooming. He says to pitch out all that cologne and stinky stuff you have. You don’t need it. For nights out on the town, a splash of Old Spice aftershave is the finishing touch. If your skin’s a bit rough from the wind and your neck a bit red from the sun, that adds to your he-man image. Take off your hat long enough to get a haircut once in a while, though, to help Earl Ray out. He can also trim your sideburns.

Our home decorator is Jimmy Joe Leatherman of J.J.’s Used Furniture and Vintage Junk store. Never pay full price.  J.J. can sell it to you cheaper. A table and chairs, a bed, and a television set pretty much cover the basics. If you want to get real fancy, J.J. can get you one of those plastic recliner chairs. Of course, you need a refrigerator for your beer and a stove for frying up bacon. J.J.’s Dinged, Dented and Damaged Appliances store is just next door.

Our culinary expert is Darrell Dickinson from Darrell’s Truck Stop which features home cooked meals every day of the week for the finest in foodstuff . We fry it, roast it, barbeque it and use the grease in our vegetables. The South is famous for it’s victuals: fried chicken and biscuits, catfish and hushpuppies, and pulled pork barbecue on cornbread. We also have turnip greens, black-eyed peas, hominy, fried green tomatoes and fried okra or squash. Unique food is part of what makes the South such an outstanding place to live. So, get yourself an iron frying pan and start saving your bacon grease.

Our expert on southern culture is Johnny Ray Wallace at the local discount mart where you can find a wide selection of country music DVD’s as well as southern movie classics. We know you work hard, so buy a DVD at Johnny Ray’s for your relaxation and entertainment. In your leisure time, there are numerous other activities, such as auto racing and high-school football, but Johnny Ray suggests fishing for recreation on a budget. If you need a guide, his cousin is available at a reasonable fee. For a night out, he suggests two-step lessons down at the Stomping Steer Saloon. He can sell you discount tickets cheaper than they are at the door.

Now, that’s what we call living “high on the hog.” No wonder there’s so many Yankees descending on us. And if you don’t like living the southern lifestyle, just rev up the engine on your pickup and head back north, cause down here it’s our way or the highway, if you get our drift.

Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss