Older than Dirt

I’ve not checked the mirror, (We are not on speaking terms.) but I’m beginning to suspect that I’m getting old:

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE OLDER THAN DIRT?

*You can’t figure out the remote control or the automatic coffeemaker.
*You get discounts by playing the age card or the AARP card.
*You can fall sound asleep while sitting up and wake yourself up snoring.
*You don’t go to places with stairs instead of elevators.
*You can’t read the small print and can’t find the magnifying glass.
*You don’t answer the phone because you are tired of hearing your friends complain.
*You feel a chill and need a sweater, even when it’s 80 degrees.
*You sometimes misplace things and think you have been robbed.
*You can’t get the child-proof tops off of medicine bottles.
*You used to like to cook but now you like to microwave or eat out.
*You favorite TV shows are all reruns.
*You gave up driving at night since the doctor says you have cataracts.
*Your Facebook picture is 20 years old because your new pictures “don’t look like you.”
*You don’t like to travel because it is too much trouble to pack.
*You hire someone to do chores because you don’t want to bother your kids.
*Your closet only has sensible shoes.
*If you sneeze, you have to change your underwear.
*You have professional pedicures because you can’t reach your toes.
*You wish people would stop walking so fast and running over you.
*If you go shopping, you spend half your time looking for the restroom.
*You wonder how they get away with charging $5 for a stupid greeting card.
*You can’t remember names, phone numbers, or where you left your false teeth.
*You know a half dozen alternative uses for a crochet hook.
*Your favorite scent is eucalyptus menthol rub.
*You don’t like electronics with an “i” in front of their name.
*You vote for anyone who says they will not cut social security or Medicare.
*You carry a folding walking cane in your bag – just in case.
*You go to senior citizen meetings, not for food or fellowship, but to play Bingo.
*When you leave Wal-Mart, you can’t remember where you parked the car.
*You still read the newspaper with your morning coffee.
*You have a cell phone for emergencies but can’t remember to charge it.
*You insist on talking to a real person on the phone instead of a recorded message.
*You don’t trust banks, insurance companies, loan companies or credit cards.
*You are trying to figure out how to keep a nursing home from getting you and your life savings.
*You are tired of people asking how you feel. How do they think you feel at your age?
*You would rather buy another one than go to the attic to look for something.
*You give away things so you don’t have to dust them anymore.
*You have aches and pains in places you can’t talk about.
*You think renewing your driver’s license online is the best idea since cordless phones.
*You think debit cards are great and electronic checks are even better.
*You carry out your own groceries at the store so people won’t think you are too old.
*You don’t eat hotdogs anymore because they give you indigestion.
*You sleep with a heating pad on whatever is hurting most that day.
*You don’t know who all these actors, actresses and singers are that are winning awards.
*You only eat out at restaurants that give a senior discount.
*You don’t like smart phones that are smarter than you are.
*You carry a flashlight, rain bonnet, and hand wipes because you can’t be too careful these days.
*You can’t remember if you took your pills but are afraid to take them again.
*You can’t find your glasses because you can’t see how to find them without them.

Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss

About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
This entry was posted in Health, Humor and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Older than Dirt

  1. Young people won’t be laughing when they find out how true this all is when their time comes.

    Like

  2. Sharon Dillon says:

    So true and funny too.

    Like

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