AUTHORS NOTE: This is an actual email exchange that took place while I was trying to renew and forward a URL. It has been edited for the sake of brevity only; also, the actual email address was altered to protect the illiterate.

TO CUSTOMER

Your transfer was successful but the payment has failed. If you’d like this transfer to proceed, you will need to correct the problem by logging into your account and updating your credit card information.

The Automated Transfer System

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TO SUPPORT

I’m having trouble with the log on. Is my password still valid? Did you use the card number ending with 0000? My old credit card number is probably not valid. Use the new one.

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DEAR VALUED CUSTOMER — please read the following important message:

Due to the large volume of Unsolicited Commercial E-Mail (SPAM) we receive, we now ask that you to resend this and any future support requests through our website.

Please log in to your account. You will have instant access to our complete Knowledge Base. If you do not find the answer in our Knowledge Base you will be able to submit a question directly to our Customer Support Team. We will then reply back and resolve your issue as soon as possible. Please wait 72 hours before you reply.

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DEAR AUTOMATED TRANSFER SYSTEM,

I have managed to change my credit card number to a valid one after only two attempts, and I’ve figured out that my sign-in ID is an email address which expired only three years ago. I never did get the email with the forgotten password that you promised, but you did manage to get an email to me immediately when my credit card number failed. Having email to support@namecheapo.com bounce back to the user is a cute trick, by the way. You should send that idea to Dilbert’s boss.

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DEAR VALUED CUSTOMER — please read the following important message:

Due to the large volume of Unsolicited Commercial E-Mail (SPAM) we receive, we now ask that you to resend this and any future support requests through our website.

Please log in to your account. You will have instant access to our complete Knowledge Base. If you do not find the answer in our Knowledge Base you will be able to submit a question directly to our Customer Support Team. We will then reply back and resolve your issue as soon as possible. Please wait 72 hours before you reply.

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TO CUSTOMER CARE

In the remote possibility that a NON-automated robot works there, would you please forward my URL. I’ve been doing this myself for years, but now my account page is gone. I can’t find a page to put this information, in spite of spending two days looking for it and clicking every link in your website a number of times. I’ve clicked the Forward URL link so many times it is probably wearing a hole in your website.

Please don’t point me to your help page because it says “follow the online instructions” which I also can’t find.

I apologize for not waiting quite 72 hours before writing, but 1:12 A.M. is way past my bedtime.

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TO CUSTOMER

The domain transfer process has finished for the following domains. You can now log into your account and manage them like any other domain.

We encourage you to contact us regarding your domain transfer experience at support@namecheapo.com

Thank you, The Automated Transfer System

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TO CUSTOMER CARE

How do I forward my URL? I want to forward my domain to another website. How do I do this?

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TO CUSTOMER

Recently you requested personal assistance from our on-line support center. Your domain is now in the status REDEMPTION PERIOD.

During the Redemption Period, the Registry gives the owner of the domain one more chance to re-activate the domain. The cost to re-instate the domain is $150.00. The Redemption Period lasts 30 days. If the domain is not re-activated, the domain is released on the 30th day of the Redemption Period, available for the rest of the public to register.

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TO CUSTOMER CARE

Wah?????

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Hi Sheila,

I apologize for the delay in our response. For some reason your domain was marked as expired in our database. I have corrected this issue, and your domain should begin forwarding normally in a couple of hours

Thanks!
Tim

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DEAR VALUED CUSTOMER CARE STAFF — please read the following important message:

Due to the large volume of Unsolicited Commercial E-Mail (SPAM) I receive, I now ask that you to resend this and any future support replies through my website. From here, you will have instant access to my complete Humor Archives. If you do not find the problem in my Humor Archives, you will be able to submit a reply directly to your Customer who will then reply back with an issue for you to resolve as soon as possible.

Thank You,
A Valued Customer

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©Sheila Moss 2003