The Mischievous Cat’s New Tree

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DAY 1 – Once of the most joyful things about the holiday season is the tradition of putting up a Christmas tree. At last the tree is up, trimmed and in all its glory. The lights are sparkling and the ornaments glittering.

DAY 2 – “Isn’t it beautiful?” As I stand back to admire it. The cat’s green eyes narrow and she looks intently at the strange new object that has entered her world.

DAY 3 – Well, I might have known that the cat could not resist checking out the tree. She even managed to pull off a few of the low hanging ornaments during the night. Isn’t that cute? I will hang them back where they belong. She will get used to it and leave it alone after a while. “Nice kitty! You must not bother the pretty tree.”

DAY 4 – “Bad kitty! Look at all those ornaments you pulled off the tree! You are not supposed to bother the tree. You must have pulled off a dozen. How did you get to them? Now I will have to redecorate the entire tree. I can’t go through this every day. Scat!”

DAY 5 – There are ornaments all over the house, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, and even in the bed. The cat must have gone wild last night. “What’s the matter with you, stupid cat? I told you to leave it alone. This is not a collection of cat toys for you. Leave it alone. Understand?”

DAY 6 – She finally did it. The cat from hell turned the tree over and the ornaments are scattered all over the house. The side of the tree is all mashed in. I pick up the tree, and gather the ornaments. “I can fix it later — after I put out the cat.”

DAY 7 – Of course the tree is in the floor again. What did you expect? This is getting to be more trouble than it’s worth. “If I can find that cat I’m going to kill it!” But when I come back from looking for her, the tree is turned over again. “The cat can live in the garage until Christmas. I don’t care how cold it is.”

DAY 8 – The demon cat got back in the house. The tree is upside down and there are ornaments all over the place. The star has falling off and the tree has only a few ornaments left hanging on it. “Who cares?”

DAY 9 – The cat turns the tree over. I put it back up. The cat turns the tree over. I put it back up. The cat turns the tree over. I put it back up. The cat thinks it is a game. You would think that a falling tree would scare the nine lives out of her, but she seems to enjoy it.

DAY 10 – The stupid tree has been turned over so many times I’ve lost count. I throw a handful of stupid ornaments at it. What do you need a stupid tree in the stupid house for anyhow?

DAY 11 – “Yes, the tree is turned over. Want to make something of it?” For your information, I don’t have time to put it back up right now. I’m too busy planning creative ways to kill the cat and make it look like an accident.

DAY 12
– We are probably the only family in the world to put up a Christmas tree and take it back down before Christmas. Humans are really hard to understand. First we give the cat a new tree for Christmas and then we take it back.

CAT: “Hello! What did they expect putting a tree decorated with shiny new cat toys right in the middle of the living room?”

Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss
Posted in Creatures, Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Chat With the Dog

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Before I begin, I would like to say that you are, for the most part, a good pet. However, there are a few matters that need to be discussed regarding the holiday this year. I hope you will pay attention so that we will not have any similar disasters next year.

First, I would like to call your attention to the little fiasco involving the Christmas tree. Because we have a tree indoors does not mean that you can treat it as though it is outdoors. In other words, from now on find a fireplug. Enough said.

While we are on the topic, I would also like to warn you about chasing the cat in the living room. Cats are accustomed to climbing trees to escape from dogs, and the mess made when the Christmas tree tipped over will not soon be forgotten. I cannot emphasize enough how lucky we all are that it fell away from the fireplace instead of towards it.

Then there is the matter of the lights. Whether you enjoy flashing lights or not, humans consider them a part of the celebration of Christmas. Chewing the extension cord to the tree in half was not one of your smarter endeavors. I’m sure you are aware of this, however, since the shock knocked you halfway across the room and nearly turned you into a Roman candle.

Ornaments are intended to be admired, not eaten. I’m only thankful that we caught you before you swallowed it. Otherwise you would have spent the holiday in the veterinary hospital getting glass removed from your stomach. Christmas ornaments are people toys, not dog toys.

The chocolate chip cookies and the milk that we left out were for Santa and the reindeer, not a snack for you. Chocolate is not good for dogs. Please keep this in mind and maybe next year you will not vomit on the carpet.

Gifts are to be unwrapped by the person whose name is on the tag. They are not intended to be chewed open on Christmas Eve, regardless of how excited you are. And quit pointing at the cat. I have already spoken to the cat about the ribbons, and she denies any further involvement.

I know you were trying to protect our home, but Santa is not a burglar. Burglars wear masks and come to take things, not to bring gifts. I believe we can also infer that they seldom dress in red velvet suits. Please make a note of this for future reference. If there is ever any more confusion, bark and wake us up instead of biting Santa’s leg.

You are very lucky that there were no injuries when you chased the reindeer. Have you not learned anything at all in obedience school? It may be your instinct to chase other animals, but please, not Santa’s reindeer. You frightened them so badly that Prancer nearly fell off the roof.

And while we are on the subject of chasing, this rule also applies to the postman and the delivery people bringing packages. I don’t know why, but I have a feeling that a burglar could rob us blind and you would follow him around wagging your tail, but let a delivery person come around and you turn into a fire-breathing guard dog.

Finally, do not beg for food while we are eating Christmas dinner. You have a full dish of dog food. If you can remember not to jump on people and breath dog breath on them while they are eating, you will not have to spend Christmas day outside in the doghouse next year.

I’m really glad we had this little chat. I have my doubts that you intend to change, though, since your snoring was so loud you sounded like a canine sawmill. I suppose it is hopeless.

Somehow I have a feeling that what humans consider “naughty,” dogs consider “nice.”

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
Posted in Creatures, Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

The Gift Card

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Congratulations! You are the recipient of American’s most wanted gift, the gift card. The gift card can be exchanged for many useful and necessary items. Cash is not one of them.

Please read the following instructions to learn how to use your new gift card.

Gift cards come with a number of different designs on the front. Ignore the picture; it is the amount that the card will purchase that matters, and they are all spent exactly the same way. You can tell how much the balance is on the card by calling the phone number conveniently located on the back of the card and entering the secret identification number, also on the back of the card.

When you have decided what you want to purchase with your gift card, take it to the retail store indicated on the front of the card. This will most likely be a store you have never heard of with items you are not interested in buying. This is how friends encourage you to try new experiences and to acquire items that you cannot afford. Also, it is how retailers make extra profit from gift cards.

Regardless of the item you select, it will always cost more than the gift card is worth and you will have to pay the additional amount yourself. In this way you are assured of receiving a gift that is exactly what you want, regardless of whether the giver can afford it or not.

In the unlikely event that you select an item which is less expensive than the value of the gift card, you will have approximately $1.58 left on the card. You will then need to carry it around for the rest of your life, or until you find another item that you want to purchase and remember to use the card’s balance.

Gift cards are plastic money, like credit cards, except after they are spent you cannot continue buying with them. You can, however, have them reactivated in whatever amount you wish to pay. Why on earth you would want to reactivate a gift card has never been explained. You can also keep the worthless card as a souvenir after you use it. You will most likely forget that it is spent and try to spend it again a few months later.

If you do not want to use your gift card right away, you can save it until you actually need something and use it at that time. This will give you ample opportunity to lose it or misplace it before it is spent. You can have lost or stolen cards replaced as long as you have the number which is conveniently located on the back of the card that you lost and the receipt which is normally retained by the giver.

If you purchase an item with your gift card and later decided that you do not want or need it, most stores will allow you to return it for a full refund in the form of another gift card. In fact, the trend is to give all refunds in the form of gift cards. You can then use the card to re-gift someone when you do not know what to buy for a gift.

Gift cards have become so popular that some stores sell not only cards for their own store, but cards for other stores as well. A wide variety of colorful designs for all occasions are now available. Customers may have almost as much trouble selecting the right gift card as they would in selecting the right gift.

The biggest gift of all that is given with gift cards is to retailers who make about $8 billion per year in profit from unused and unspent gift cards.

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
Posted in Finance, Holidays, Humor, Shopping | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Candy Is Dandy

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Here it is, Christmas again and the whole world is turning into sugar and spice. For some reason, we don’t seem to be able to celebrate the holiday without filling ourselves with sweets.

What is it about the Christmas season that brings out the sweet side of people? And I don’t mean sweet, as in “nice.” I mean sweet as in candy, cookies, cake, and other goodies. It’s like dancing with the sugar plum fairy.

“Here, have a cookie! The ones with the cranberries are good. Did you try the chocolate chip ones?” And this was at a business meeting. Because it is Christmas, the world has turned into a candy kitchen.

You can’t get through the door at Wal-Mart without falling over the stacks of decorated cupcakes conveniently located where you have to pass right by them. And that is not even to mention the featured displays of candy at the checkout lane.

Temptation preys on my weakness for the Christmas candy that you can only get during the Christmas season. I know that I won’t have any for a whole year if I don’t eat it now, which makes it twice as hard to pass by.

Maybe it is the sugar rush to the brain making me hyper, or maybe it is just my sugarcoated imagination, but I feel as if candy canes and chocolate covered cherries are chasing me. I’m running as fast as I can, but the sweets are always there first when I arrive, regardless of where I go.

It’s tough to say “no” to all this sugar, especially when we have been
conditioned to think that sweet is a treat and sugary items are “goodies”.

“Care for a free sample?” At the grocery store they are handing it out in the produce aisles. “Would you like a discount coupon?”

We are practically living in gingerbread houses with frosting dripping from the rooftops. The average American consumes 20 pounds of sugar a year. Still, we can’t seem to get enough of the stuff. Obesity is one of our biggest health problems.

“Would you care for dessert?”

Of course, I would. I didn’t get enough sugar in my cola drink. I really need more.

Everything is candied, caramelized, or coated with chocolate. Some breakfast cereals have as much sugar as a bar of chocolate. We put Twinkies in our lunch boxes, and gourmet coffee is more like a dessert than a beverage. Very few items on the grocery shelf do not list sugar as one of their ingredients.

Holidays are worst of all, because sweets and sugar treats are pushed, flaunted, and waved in our face like at no other time of the year. We manage to rationalize our over indulgences with enough excuses to put several additional pounds under our belts during the holiday season.

So. I’ve been thinking that if we are going to eat sugar anyhow, why disguise it as breakfast pancakes or a gourmet beverage? We might as well just consume pure sugar and get it over with.

Pass the candy dish.

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss

 

Posted in Food, Health, Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Application to Retire

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NAME: Gabby Ol’ Grump

ADDRESS: Just address me as “Hey You” or Granny. My home street address? You can just deposit my pension checks directly into my bank account and I won’t have to worry about them getting stolen out of my mailbox. Old people obsess about this, you know.

SEX: Once in a while, but I’m still young enough to be hopeful.

POSITION APPLIED FOR: Couch Potato. Seriously, I’ve spent the best years of my life in an office cubicle. It’s time to blow this joint and see the rest of the world.

PREVIOUS SALARY: Too little, too late — however from an employer’s perspective, I probably make enough to pay two or three part-time employees who are younger and more energetic than I am.

DESIRED SALARY: $100,000 per year plus paid medical and dental insurance. Since that’s not an option according to the retirement office, then I guess I will have to learn to live on Social Security, the inadequate pension you have provided (thank you), and the interest off my checking account.

EDUCATION: Graduated suma cum lauda from the School of Hard Knocks and hold an advanced degree from the University of Experience.

LAST POSITION HELD: If all goes as planned, this will be my last position. It’s really hard to know since I’m not dead yet, in spite of what others may think.

PAST EXPERIENCE: Been there, done that, don’t want to go there again.

NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENTS: I can’t think of anything other than staying alive to reach retirement age without having a heart attack or nervous breakdown, and without even taking an extended absence to use up my sick leave before retirement.

REASON FOR LEAVING: To get a life. But, if it were not for the 8-hour rat race, I would stay around forever just to aggravate all the younger workers who want my job.

HOURS AVAILABLE: 24/7 – except for nights, weekends, holidays, and afternoon beauty naps.

ANY SPECIAL SKILLS: I can work overtime with the flu, meet stressful deadlines without going postal, use the stairs instead of the elevator, and can stay awake and hold my water during long, boring meetings. I can also type with one hand while answering the phone with the other.

CURRENT EMPLOYER: You are my current employer. Check with the Personnel Department. Don’t you speak to each other any more?

ARE YOU WILLING TO RELOCATE? I’ve heard that Florida is a popular place for retirement; however, many retirees are moving back to where they came from due to the hurricanes. Arizona is not an option. It’s too far away from the grandchildren.

ANY SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITIONS: I don’t remember. (Another good reason to retire.)

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? Yes, it has 70,000 miles on it from commuting back and forth to the city five days a week; however, it’s almost paid for and has good tires. (If you are offering to give me a company vehicle, I accept.)

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? No, You don’t even know I work here. (See above.) I did get a nice certificate with my name spelled wrong, however, and a silver key chain for my many years of service.

DO YOU SMOKE? If I did, do you think I would have lived long enough to be retiring? Who has time for a smoke break around here anyhow? (Are you gathering information to reduce my life insurance benefits by any chance?)

RETIREMENT OBJECTIVE: To stay busy doing all the things that I haven’t had time to do because I am always at work. And when I’m out of here, don’t call me – I’ll call you.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? No, retirement isn’t a crime; it’s supposed to be a reward for breaking my back in the salt mines, isn’t it?

IS THIS INFORMATION TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Of course, I could be fired for lying on my retirement application — if I wasn’t quitting anyhow, that is. (heh-heh!)

REFERENCES: Try Wikipedia, our Policy Manual or Google it.
(No use asking my boss if I am a good candidate for retirement. She is too busy looking for someone to replace me who will work for the same measly salary.)

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss

Photo by Niklas Hamann

Posted in Humor, Work Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

When You’ve Gotta Glow

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I read an article in the paper about some scientists in Taiwan who had biogenetically engineered three green pigs that glow in the dark. Apparently this was big news at the time, but some of us are a bit slow finding out about it.

I knew about the glofish that were being sold as neon glow-in-the-dark pets. However, it seems there are now all sorts of glowing animals. An artist has created a glowing bunny and there are also glowing mice that have been genetically changed.

Scientists do this by taking genes from jellyfish, which glow naturally, and inserting them into the fertilized egg of the animal they are trying to reproduce. Sometimes it works and sometimes not, but in the case of the pigs, it worked at least three times.

Of course, the way the human mind operates is to instantly jump to the conclusion that the next thing will be a green glow-in-the-dark human. We have seen too many mad scientists in science fiction movies to think otherwise.

If we could engineer babies to glow pink and blue, it might be more appealing. Of course, I suppose there would always be those people who think that pink and blue babies are gender biased though and would insist on having a yellow glo-baby instead.

The point of all this genetic engineering is supposed to be the study of stem cells and disease and the ability to trace a glowing cell in the body much easier than would be possible otherwise. Scientists assure us that creation of Franken-babies is not the goal of their research.

What would be the advantages of glow-in-the-dark babies anyhow? Mothers would not have to turn on a nightlight for the 2:00 o’clock feeding. As far as adult humans, I can’t think of many advantages. Criminals would have a harder time committing crimes if they could be easily seen, but police would have a harder time sneaking up and catching them in the act too.

It is supposed that when two genetically altered green pigs mate, the offspring will also glow without further human intervention. But what about when pink and blue adults have children? Would the offspring be pink if girls and blue if boys or some weird combination of both that might make them purple? The trouble with this whole thing is that we really are not sure what might result.

Probably you think I’m just making an inductive leap here and that biogenetic  engineering on humans is not in the future. But scientists have tried to produce a green monkey already, which is the animal most genetically similar to man. Maybe the little green men of science fiction fame are not as far-fetched as they seem to be.

It is sort of the opposite of the repressed desire of people to become invisible. Instead people would always be visible, even at night. It would be hell if we re-engineered nocturnal creatures that depend on hunting at night to camouflage them from their prey. However, the cat could no longer run off at night and refuse to come inside.

If jellyfish or ocean creatures occur in enough different colors, people might be able to choose designer colors for their offspring, creating a whole new breed of humans. Imagine a nightclub full of people all dancing and glowing in different colors.

Other than for novelty and amusement, I can’t really see much point in making a green human. But, if it can be done and the technology is there, you can be pretty sure that sooner or later it is going to happen, regardless of complaints about the moral implications. Fears of a “brave new world” might become realities.

Pick a favorite color, just in case you need one.

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
Posted in Humor, Technology | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Please Help the Babysitter

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My grandaughter came to visit last week. She is five months old, a cute little bundle in pink crawlers with enough black hair that we can cut it soon and sell it to the hair-club for bald babies.

My daughter had some errands to do, and grandmothers, of course, are forever-willing babysitters for adorable grandchildren who look at them and smile with two white teeth and black eyes the size of saucers.

It is not until mom is out of the driveway that grandchildren show their true colors. The instant baby realized that mommy was gone, she looked at her smiling grandma as if she was a reincarnation of Attila the Hun.

A blood-curdling scream emitted from her with a magnitude of 3.5 on the rector scale. “Oh, isn’t that cute? She misses her mommy!” It was amusing for about 3 whole minutes when the sound waves began to penetrate my brain and melt it into a puddle of plasma.

I tried to distract her with the dancing Hokey Pokey toy that made her laugh and nearly jump out of her diaper when mommy was here.

“You put your arm in and you shake it all about!”

“Wah!”

“You do the Hokey Pokey and your turn yourself around”

“Wah!”

“And that’s what it’s all about.”

“WAAAAH!”

Well, that may be what it’s all about in Hokey Pokey Land, but in grandma’s living room what it was all about was screaming like an opera soprano hitting a “high C”. Who needs an iPod to make you deaf when you have a baby?

Nothing I could do would turn off my little high fidelity sound machine. We rocked, we read books, we rattled rattles, we sang songs, and we changed diapers that were not even wet.

It became apparent that baby was going to scream until mommy returned or the baby passed out from exhaustion, whichever came first. I warmed a bottle and popped it into baby’s mouth like a cork. Finally, she fell asleep exhausted and napped for a blissful 30 minutes.

The eye of the hurricane was past, but when she woke up, the screams started again from the other direction. We bounced, we did more Hokey Pokey, we played musical ABC’s, we read the 1-2-3 Book, and we played every musical tune in the Baby Einstein top ten.

She actually liked the musical toys. Sometimes she would laugh and cry at the same time. That’s a neat trick. I wish I could learn how to do it. I was afraid she would make herself sick crying, but she only got the hiccups — another good reason to scream.

Finally, “The clock struck 6:00; the mouse ran down; Hickory, Dickory, Dock.” It was time to take her home. It took me 30 minutes to figure out how the car seat worked and another 30 to pack up all the baby gear that modern babies need to reinforce their hysteria. But the instant we hit the road, she passed out cold and the concert ended before the car got out of the driveway.

By the time we got to my daughter’s house, baby pink pants was wide-eyed and all giggles. She smiled at her mommy, practically leaped into her arms, and looked at me as if I was a demented terrorist kidnapper who had been foiled.

All the books say that there is no such thing as spoiling a baby. It’s called “separation anxiety.” I suspect it’s the same symptom by a different name. Something is basically wrong here, though. I thought it was a Grandma’s job to spoil the baby rotten and then let mommy deal with it.

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
Previously published as
“The Babysitter”

 

Posted in Family, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Make Green Stuff, Mom

Well, it’s done, the annual making of the green stuff for the holiday. I always put it off until the last day and then wonder why I didn’t do it sooner.

“I am not cooking this year,” I told my family. “I am buying a turkey breast and all the trimmings already prepared.” We were eating out, but the more I thought about it, the less it seemed like a good idea.

“Mom, can you at least make the green stuff,” asked my son? My tribe does not like cranberry sauce and always wants a Jello concoction we call “the green stuff” for the lack of a better name. It’s a tradition.

In spite of past cooking disasters, I agreed. I went to the grocery store yesterday and bought the ingredients, which I know by heart after making it for 50 years. Now get out of my way. You can watch, but do not make a peep until I’m done.

First, I opened everything and got it ready to use. I know what happens when I am elbow deep in sticky stuff and have to stop to open Jello.

Second, I whipped the whipping cream. “D*** that stuff takes a long time to get stiff.” Meanwhile, the mixer is spattering it on the wall, on the cabinet, on the cat and in my hair.

Third, I melted the marshmallows using the microwave. I used my largest dish, the one that barely fits when the door is closed.

Marshmallows swell when they get warm, so I stirred them down. I stirred them down again and again and again until I decide they are melted enough. A few lumps won’t matter. I can clean up the sticky stuff in the microwave later.

I try to mix in dry Jello but the marshmallows stick to the spatula, so I decide to use the mixer. The marshmallow climbs up the beaters and I have to add the juice from the pineapple to make the Jello disolve.

Finally, I added the cream cheese. “Oh no! It’s the wrong kind.” I must have picked up the low-fat kind by mistake. Well, too bad, it will have to do.

When mixed, I stirred in a can of crushed pineapple. One year I tried to use the mixer for this and the pineapple disappeared. I still don’t know where it went.

Last, I folded the green stuff into the whipping cream and it was done. ‘No, wait. That bowl is not big enough.” So, I found another bowl and poured it all into that. “Ugh! The mixer cord is in the marshmallow.”

I poured the mixture into a shallow plastic container. One year I used a deep one and all the pineapple all went to the bottom. I put it into the refrigerator and only spilled a little bit.

I am sticking to the floor, but that’s another tradition. All done, and it wasn’t nearly as bad this time as it sometimes is. The smoke alarm didn’t go off and I only cursed once.

After I put the sticky dishes the dishwasher, wipe the cabinet tops and backsplash, clean the marshmallow off the mixer, clean the microwave and mop the floor, I am finished except for taking a shower and washing my hair.

All I have to do now is complain to my friends on Facebook who will understand and click smiley faces. Others will probably make snide comments saying, “If you hate it so much, why do you do it?”

That’s a good question…

©Sheila Moss 2018

Posted in Food, Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Take Time to be Thankful

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With Thanksgiving just around the corner, it’s time to start thinking of a few things other than turkey that we are thankful for. Since you probably know but just have trouble remembering, here is a small list of thoughts to put us all in the mood:

Be thankful when you are feeling down, someone else is always worse off than you are.

Be thankful for small things to worry about, they give us practice for the big stuff.

Be thankful if getting old and fat is the worse thing that you have to worry about.

Be thankful for laughter and for the things you are laughing about.

Be thankful we don’t have to pay for sunrises or sunsets as we could never afford one.

Be thankful for having too much work to do, that’s job insurance.

Be thankful you are free to vote your choice… even when your choice is a loser.

Be thankful for friends that are aggravating. They probably feel the same way about you.

Be thankful for uncertainty as it gives you more time to make a decision.

Be thankful that when you make a mistake that you can always blame someone else… or the dog.

Be thankful that if you don’t have time to wait, you can wait until you have more time.

Be thankful when someone says you are wrong. It gives you a chance to prove otherwise.

Be thankful that you have right to say what you think, especially when what you think isn’t worth saying.

Be thankful that the best things in life are free. This gives you more cash to spend on the second best things.

Be thankful that if you can’t avoid making a mistake, you can at least avoid repeating it.

Be thankful that there are always things to smile about – even if you sometimes forget what they are.

Be thankful for needs that are met, especially when they are met in way different than what you expected.

Be thankful for finishing last because you have the opportunity to do better the next time.

Be thankful for sticky stuff, greasy spots, and cat hair — they help us remember nothing is perfect.

Be thankful for stress – it motivates us to make changes.

Be thankful there is always enough blame to go around, so you can share it if you need to.

Be thankful for the fast lane… it gets the people that are speeding off your bumper.

Be thankful to see things as they might be instead of the way they are.

Be thankful for animals… they help us to remember that we are human.

Be thankful we don’t always get what we deserve, as what we deserve may be worse than what we have.

Be thankful that when you’ve seen it all and done it all that you don’t have do it again.

© Sheila Moss 2004
Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Clean Up, Spruce Up, Fix Up

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Photo by Burst on Pexels.com

Winter is here. Time to clean up, spruce up, fix up before the holidays. I don’t want to remodel the entire house but I just can’t seem to help myself. No matter how much I argue, the adrenaline seems to take over and I find myself working like my mother-in-law is coming to visit.

Adrenaline: Go to the store and buy supplies.

Self: I don’t want to fix anything!

Adrenaline: You heard me! GO!

Self: Well, maybe I can get some paintbrushes and caulk for the bathroom.

Adrenaline: And then find the paint and touch up the walls.

Self: I am sort of getting used to the “distressed” look.

Adrenaline: That’s for furniture – not the living room wall.

Self: Oh.

Adrenaline: I thought I told you last week to chip out all the cracked caulking in the bathroom.

SELF: I did, but I was too tired to finish the job.

Adrenaline: So, its just sitting there half done – when do plan to finish it? And what about the painting?

SELF: Paint is messy and I really don’t want to get into something like that until I can finish the entire house at one time.

Adrenaline : The outside of the house needs some work too. Those shutters could use a new coat of paint.

Self: Yes, yes, I know. Couldn’t I just hire that done?

Adrenaline: Pay? For something you can do yourself?

SELF: But, everything in the living room needs to be moved around for that stupid TV  we bought. Pictures will be in the wrong place. I’ll have to touch all that up too. I don’t know why I ever got into this.

Adrenaline: The more you get done now, the less to do later.

Self: I really would rather take a nap.

Adrenaline: And what will you do when the house falls in from neglect? Nap?

Self: Okay, okay, but that stupid hutch is full of dishes. I’ll have to take those out before I can move it.

Adrenaline: So??

Self: I can see it now. My entire weekend shot. I won’t have time for my regular schedule due to all the extra stuff, and next week I’ll be further behind than ever.

Adrenaline: Excuses, excuses, excuses. Are you taking your vitamins?

SELF: NO! I don’t have time to take vitamins! I’m too busy painting and moving furniture!

Adrenaline: Calm down, it will all be done eventually, and just think how nice it will look.

Self: I’m thinking about all the work involved.

Adrenaline: These living room curtains are a bit drab. Don’t you have some others upstairs? You’ve been meaning to bring those down for years and never have.

Self: I’ll have to buy different rods and put those up first.

Adrenaline: Well, after you move stuff into the living room, you will spend more time there. If you really want to look at those stupid curtains for the rest of your life go ahead!

Self: I wonder what I did with the electric drill the last time I used it?

Adrenaline: I was just thinking. Do you know how to hang wallpaper? The bathroom is really getting bad.

Self: I swore I’d never try to hang wallpaper again. The last time I tried, I was saying “sailor words” before I got done.

Adrenaline: Pity, if you were not so resistant you could really fix things up around here. Did you notice the paint on the patio table is chipped? You really need to do something about that too.

Self: You are killing me!.

Adrenaline: Shut up! Women are supposed to spruce up and fix up before a holiday. It’s traditional.

Self: If it wasn’t for you maybe I could get some rest.

Adrenaline: Don’t blame me. I’m only doing my job. If it wasn’t for me, nothing would get done around here.

Adrenaline: No one has ever died from fix-up fever.

Self: What about an adrenaline overdose?

Copyright 2006 SheilaMoss
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