Humor Columnist Blog

Welcome Home

Posted on January 17, 2024 by Sheila Moss

At first our new dog was a bit skittish. Having a home and being around people was all new to him. He had lived his life in a kennel, and was not accustomed to life as a pet. He was a breeder and had sired several litters already. Part of the deal when we adopted was that he could not be bred and had to be neutered. We were good with that as we didn’t need a little Romeo running around trying to hump things that didn’t need humping.

The next order of business was house breaking. He made a few mistakes at first, lifting his tiny leg to mark his territory, but he was amazingly quick to learn about going outside. Honey walks him several times a day and he anoints mailbox posts, telephone poles, and cable TV boxes. We tried to crate train him as that is supposed to be the easiest way to housebreak. But he was not having being locked in a cage. So we returned the cage to the pet store and he sleeps happily in bed with his humans.

He is the sweetest dog ever, even cuter than his pictures, and very smart. He has learned to walk on a leash outside and does not whine or yap constantly like some small dogs. We didn’t hear him bark for a long time, but when he did, it was a hugh bark for such a small dog. He warmed up to us quickly, kissing us profusely when he realized he was loved and had a forever home. Although he is small, he has a hugh personality and is such a good boy we can’t believe it.

His birth name was Blaze, but I didn’t like that as it sounds like a horse. After days of pondering every name we could think of, we finally settled on Simba. Names like Peanut make him seem too small. Cooper was a close second choice. Honey liked Pluto; I liked Rocky. We settled on Simba as the ShihTzu breed is called lion-hearted. They belonged to Budist Monks historically and were bred to be pets, not working dogs.

Simba had his first checkup with the vet and has an appointment to be neutered and chipped. He has started obedience training and quickly learned to sit on command. His favorite thing, other than peanut butter treats, is following Honey around the house or napping on his lap. Dogs are pack animals and we are his pack.

He does not replace the pet that we lost. You never really get over such a loss. But he has returned a part of life that was missing. The empty hole in our hearts is now full. He has brought joy back to our home.

Posted in Creatures, Humor | Tagged animals, dog, Dog Breeds, dogs, Pets, Shihtzu | 12 Comments

The Empty Home

Posted on January 8, 2024 by Sheila Moss

“I’ve never been without a pet,” he said. Honey was so depressed. He had secretly emailed the breeder where we bought Dixie to see if she was still in business. She was and had a new litter due this month. We could have the pick of the litter and in 8 short weeks our new pup would be ready to bring home.

In spite of my reservations, I finally caved and said okay. He could get another dog.

We considered getting a shelter dog. There are so many dogs out there needing homes. But you don’t know the background of a rescue dog. It could be from a puppy mill, sickly, a product of over-breeding, a problem dog that was homeless for a reason. Getting a dog from a reputable breeder greatly improves the chances of having a healthy dog that will live a full life.

Then we received an email from the breeder that was sent to all her clients. She had a male dog that she wanted to rehome. She had too many male breeder dogs and needed to downsize. She attached a picture. “Oh, my gosh! He is so cute!” He was brown, unlike most ShihTzus. “Why don’t we take him?”

He was only 2 years old and very small for a ShihTzu at only 5 pounds. This made him less desirable as a breeder for standard ShihTzus. But we did not want a dog to breed. Maybe this could be a compromise between a shelter dog and purchasing a pure-bred dog. He was being re-homed to avoid going to a shelter. Honey contacted the breeder to see if the dog was still available. He was. He had all his shots, was bathed and groomed and ready to be adopted.

By now it was decided. Making the decision to add a dog to our family was the hard part. It had been over a year since we lost our Dixie. I guess I knew we would get another dog sooner or later as I had laundered and saved beds and toys. In spite of knowing that a dog does not live as long as a human and is going to die and break your heart, people get pets anyhow because of the joy they will bring until then.

Our home was empty. It needed a dog and a dog needed us.

Posted in Creatures, Humor | Tagged Pets, dogs, Adoption, dog, animals, Shihtzu, pup | 5 Comments

I Don’t Want a Dog!

Posted on January 2, 2024 by Sheila Moss

“I don’t want a dog,” I told Honey. Our dog has died after a difficult episode of seizures. She was 14 years old, living with us since she was 8 weeks old. It broke my heart when she passed. Those big ShihTzu eyes looked at me in pain, begging for help, but there was nothing we could do except relieve her suffering by having her put down. I cried for weeks.

Dixie was the best little dog ever – so cute, so smart. She knew all the basic obedience commands, but also did other tricks, like “Sit Pretty” where she sat up on her hind legs, “High Five” where she stood up on her hind legs and gave you five with her front legs. She could even “Roll Over”

She was a part of our family, slept in our bed at night. She loved to go for walks in the neighborhood and charmed the neighbors. She had her own car dog seat in the car and looked forward to going along wherever we went. She like to eat out so we went to restaurants that had dog-friendly patios. Her favorite was “Five Guys” as they put two patties on the burgers, one for the human and one for her. She liked vacations, especially State Parks with hiking trails and new smells to explore. She liked the beach and barked at the waves. She played with our two cats and they took naps together. She did not have a canine job like guarding or herding. Her breed’s only job is to be a loyal pet, and she did it very well.

Honey, continues to agitate. He wants another dog. “No more pets!” I plead. Can’t we just live a peaceful pet-free life? We pet and play with other people’s dogs. Pets are trouble. You have to board them or find someone to take care of them if you want to go on a vacation. They make messes that have to be cleaned up; they shed and leave fur on clothes and furniture. ShihTzus have hair instead of fur and have to go to the groomer. There are trips to the vet for shots and checkups. And if they get sick, which they all do sooner or later, the bills are a small fortune.

I can’t go through another painful loss. It is too hard. Her toys have been put away. Her dog-bed laundered, her dishes are gone. When we go somewhere, the dog seat is empty. At night we do not have to worry about her taking most of the bed. If we eat out, we no longer eat outside on the patio. There is a gapping hole in our life where Dixie used to be. Dogs do not live as long as humans. This is how it always ends.

Her creamations are in a wooden box on Honey’s desk. Her paw print and picture sit nearby. I made a donation to ASPCA to honor her memory. She was loved deeply and the grief is deep and painful to fill the place where the love once was.

There will never be another dog like Dixie.

Posted in Creatures, Humor | Tagged animals, dogs, Grief, Pets | 19 Comments

Prime Aggravation

Posted on November 16, 2023 by Sheila Moss

Amazon, world’s largest online retailer, has this thing called Prime, which is some sort of video club like Netflix. I’m not sure exactly what it is as I’m not really interested in paying to shop.

That being said, why is that this week I became a Prime member?

When you buy from Amazon, this Prime membership thing jumps out in front of you. It turns cartwheels across your computer and twerks in your face attempting to seduce you with promises of good things to come. The hook is Free Shipping. Sign up for Prime and get FREE shipping on your orders and a FREE Prime membership for a month.

However, they also offering free shipping for orders over $35. That is more my type of incentive.

All I really wanted was a pair of leather gloves before another polar vortex comes along. Unfortunately, when trying to check out, I must have clicked the wrong button to claim my free shipping. Before I knew what happened, I was rushing into Prime membership like a sled in the luge.

How can I quit this free club before they zap my credit card for a membership fee? “There is a problem with your membership,” said Amazon. At least we agree on something. “Your default payment method is not valid.” Yes, I know. I cancelled that credit card. “If you don’t change your default payment method within 30 days we will cancel your Prime membership,” it threatened.

“Oh, goody! Cancel it! I didn’t want it in the first place.”

So, I forgot about it and went on my merry way until my gloves arrived. When I opened the package, however, there was a problem. Who would think I could mess up ordering gloves, but one of the thumbs had a big hole in the seam. Drat, they would have to be returned.

I signed in to Amazon to find out how to return them only to find myself in the customer doghouse. I could not access services, specifically the return merchandise function. In raging frustration, I found the customer service link. I was going to give them a piece of my mind. “Send me an inferior item and then lock me out so I can’t return it?” But I couldn’t get either the phone or chat buttons to work.

After stewing a while and shooting off an angry email, I began to wonder if my locked out status had anything to do with the rock on my account over the Prime membership thing. Much as I hated to, I changed my default credit card number. Instantly my email dinged and I found myself a Prime member in good standing.

“Great, now how do I un-join?”

Like the road to hell, the road to Prime is wide and easy while the road to resignation is a steep and narrow path. I thought I would never find the tiny link, but after getting out my magnifying glass and praying for forgiveness, I finally found the tiny “do not continue” link, and escaped the evil clutches of Prime.

I still was locked out, though. It finally dawned on me, “They have put a cookie on my computer.” So, I cleared my computer’s cookies. Sure enough, I was able to sign in and proceed through the return process just like a normal customer, except for my clenched teeth and popping veins.

“We can’t exchange the item, but we can refund your money.” Swell, that is even better. With my luck, they will probably try to refund my money to the canceled card and shut down my account again.

I think I will just go to the mall and buy a pair of gloves. It seems a whole lot simpler.

Posted in Humor, Shopping, Technology | Tagged Amazon, Cancellation, Customer Service, Free shipping, Refund, Resigning from Prime, Returns online | 3 Comments

A Woman’s Work

Posted on November 10, 2023 by Sheila Moss

When I retired from my job, I became a virtual whirlwind of activity. I don’t know why I was in a hurry. After all, as Honey kept reminding me, ”You can do it tomorrow.” I think in my many years of hurry and stress it became a habit and carried over to my home life. I didn’t know how to slow down.

I started in the kitchen by pulling everything out of the cabinets. Stuff surfaced that I thought I had thrown away years ago. “Oh my, gosh, I didn’t know I still had that deviled egg dish and that old food grinder from the dark ages.” Well, I didn’t need them now, so I might as well get rid of them — except everything was too good to throw away, which is probably what I thought years ago when it was pushed to the back of the shelf never to see the light of day again.

Maybe I could have a garage sale. By the time I finished cleaning the kitchen and front hall closet, I had filled four large plastic bins with stuff. That was not to even mention the things that no one would buy, not even at a garage sale: rusty pans, decorative tins that popcorn came in on some holiday in the distant past, barbeque tools that have never been used.

If I didn’t use it and it didn’t have some great sentimental value to me, it was gone. I closed my eyes and put white elephants in the plastic garage sale bins. I did pretty well. I only took out one cute picture with the days of the week on it and returned it to the closet. One of these days, I’ll use it. I know I will.

I actually went through the medicine cabinets and threw away all the medicine that had expired. I can’t believe I’ve had some of it as long as I have. But Honey’s stuff is impossible. I never know if he is saving empty bottles because he plans to get a refill or because he likes to save empty bottles.

He promised to help me get the house organized. So far, he had not thrown away as much as a sheet of paper. This was putting a monkey wrench into my plan. I really hate not being able to find things. If I want the scissors or a screwdriver, I want to be able to go get it without having to buy a new one because it is easier.

“What are you going to do when you get done cleaning, mom?” asked my son.

“I will clean the garage, and after that the attic.” How’s that for ambition? Actually, it was too hot. I would have to wait until fall when the weather is cooler and the attic is not an oven. I may be a tornado of cleanliness, but I was not crazy.

When it was the garage’s turn for a facelift, it spilled over to yard work. I had let the grass and weeks take over. I used to try to keep things neat, but I had done nothing that summer at all except have the grass mowed. It was easy to say, “I will do it when I retire.” Except now, I had retired, so what’s my excuse? Three days were spent weed pulling, trimming, and spraying. It looked great… at least until it all grew back.

While I was busy organizing unseen places, I failed to keep up with the regular cleaning. The entire house needed a good cleaning: windows, baseboards, ceiling fans. I might get to it next week as almost everything except the attic was done now.

I think I need to go back to work so I can get some rest.

Posted in Home, Humor | Tagged cleaning, home organizing, housework, retirement, White Elephants | 2 Comments

Saving the Plants

Posted on November 1, 2023 by Sheila Moss

Oh, no! Frost warning for tonight says the weather report on my computer. It’s time to drag all the plants in containers inside. I don’t want to them to freeze outside.

(Plant thinks: I’m not ready either. Guess my vacation is over.)

I was especially ambitious this spring and put all my tropical house plants outside for the summer. They really get a boost of energy when you put them outside and grow like crazy.

It is best to have a shady spot, such as a covered porch, so they do not get sunburned. Unfortunately, I do not have such a place as my patio gets shade part of the time and sun part of the time.

(Plant thinks: Now you think of that. Its bit late after the damage is done.)

I am not really a gardening person, but I keep trying year after year.

(Plant thinks: Yeah, and you keep messing up year after year.)

Houseplants are native to the tropics and must come in if I don’t want to lose them. All my plants did okay outside except the corn plant, which did get a few spots of sunburn.

(Plant thinks: Good thing I’m not popcorn…)

The only things I did not put outside were the philodendron and rubber plant. If the philodendron does any better, I will be afraid to go to sleep at night less the vines creep up and strangle me.

(Plant thinks: I am the Rodney Dangerfield of plants. I get no respect. If I was a vine, she would be dead.)

My house does not have enough light, apparently. I have to keep them in front of a window or they drop leaves and die.

(Plant thinks: Duh! There are two things plants must have, water and light. )

“Will you help me bring in my plants?” I asked Honey. I can’t lift heavy pots of dirt.

(Plant thinks: Thank God! Why didn’t she think of that when she put us out? What goes out must come in.)

So, my kitchen table is full of houseplants. Actually, I don’t think there was any frost after all my panic, but there will be sooner or later, so they might as well stay inside.

(Plant thinks: Just don’t expect me to grow much inside.)

Those plants all need to be moved to the window.

(Plant thinks: No kidding Einstein. I need fertilizer. How about a plant light?)

The corn plant didn’t seem worth saving, but I read an article that said they are easy to propagate. Maybe I can cut it up and make several new plants?

(Plant thinks: Help! She is going to butcher us!)

My green thumb is itching.

(Plant thinks: Her brown thumb is itching.)

That coleus is huge! It is going to have to go back outside.

(Plant thinks: Murderer! )

Honey is not going to be happy about lugging big heavy pots around. After all this trouble, I hope they all live.

(Plant thinks: I need to talk to the philodendron and see if it can do a job for me.)

On days like this, I wish I lived in Florida where it is warm year round.

(Plant thinks: I’m ready. Don’t forget the fertilizer)

Posted in Humor, Plants/Gardening | Tagged Fertilizer, Frost, Gardening, Houseplants, Philodendron, Plant care, Plant light | 7 Comments

The Lost Purse

Posted on October 24, 2023 by Sheila Moss

Have you ever done something so dumb, so stupid, so unlike you that you can’t believe you did it? But you did and there is nothing you can do now except try to do better the next time.

It’s a long story, but it started like this:

Last evening I was late getting home and had no dinner started or even in mind.

“Want to eat out?” asked Honey.

“Sure.” Who wouldn’t?

There was the usual discussion on where to go that ended up at Cracker Barrel because we couldn’t think of another place in particular and it is our “fall back place.”

We were seated right away, no lines in the middle of the week.

When the food arrived, I looked across the table at Honey’s plate and saw sausage. I knew something was wrong as he will not touch pork with a ten foot pole. My food was wrong too. We eventually figured out that the server brought the food to the wrong table.

That should have been my clue on the sort of evening it was going to be, but we eventually got the right food and ate without further ado, at least until we left.

I had hung my purse and jacket on the back of my chair and had my cell phone lying on the table.

Honey wanted to look at candy before we left as you can get old-fashioned candy there that you can’t get anywhere else. I gathered up my things quickly with my mind elsewhere.

I was holding a bag of candy when we left and didn’t notice that I had forgotten to pick up my purse.

We got in the car and it was not until we were on the interstate that I noticed it was missing. I searched the floorboard. I turned on the light in the car and looked again, hoping I was wrong. But I knew exactly where it was – hanging on the back of the chair at Cracker Barrel.

“We can’t turn around until the next exit,” said Honey. “How could you forget your purse? Didn’t you realize you were not carrying it?”

Obviously not.

And as if I didn’t feel bad enough already, “Why didn’t you watch what you were doing?”

I snapped.

“Because I am an idiot.” Geez!

If you have ever lost your purse or wallet you know the sinking feeling when you realize it is missing. I mentally reviewed what was in it: credit cards that I would have to report lost, my driver’s license and insurance cards that would be a pain to replace, car keys, house key. My God! A thief could get my address off my license and would have a key to rob my house.

I was panicked, forgetting we have a security system at home. I seldom carry much money so that would not be a consequence, at least. Still, the thought of all the aggravation was sobering.

When we finally arrived back, I went in and told the hostess I had left my purse. Apparently either a customer or wait staff found it and turned it in.

The “what ifs” were endless: What if an unscrupulous customer had picked it up, and walked out? What if I had not noticed it missing? What if we were traveling and were hundreds of miles down the road before I missed it? What if I had a lot of cash inside?

Thanks to the good folks at Cracker Barrel, it was found and returned.

So, I was lucky. I clutched my purse tightly. It was my expensive leather designer purse too, on top of everything else.

I am still shaking over the near disaster. I plan to copy all my documents and take anything I don’t absolutely need to carry out of my purse.

As for my carelessness, forgetfulness, or whatever you call it, I don’t know what to do about that.

Posted in Fashion, Humor | Tagged Carelessness, Conflicts, Cracker Barrel, Forgetfullness, Lost items, Panic | 11 Comments

Chasing the Sandman

Posted on October 11, 2023 by Sheila Moss

“Why, why,” I ask. “Why can’t I sleep like any normal person?” It’s natural. I’m tired. I need some good old restful sleep. Like 40 million other people, I have been cursed with insomnia. I either cannot go to sleep or I wake up after a few hours and cannot go back to sleep.

I don’t get it. I avoid caffeine drinks. I avoid napping during the day regardless of how tired I am. I do all the things the books say to do. Still, as soon as I hit the mattress, my eyelids go “ding” and spring open like a Jack-in-the-box. It isn’t for lack of trying, but the harder I try, the tenser I become.

I am cold. I put on a pair of socks and throw another blanket on the bed. I plug in a heating pad hoping the warmth will make me drowsy. “Relax,” I tell myself. “Just relax,” as if that is going to help. I am keeping myself awake by trying to relax.

I turn on the TV. Maybe if I just forget about sleeping, I will fall asleep. Hours later I am still watching TV. Have you ever tried to watch TV all night? There isn’t much on TV after 3 PM, at least not in our market. Crime, murder, and mayhem is all that is on.

I watch a lot of crime shows. I know all about using DNA, luminal and cadaver dogs to solve crimes. I know about bodies buried in the back yard, fed to alligators, dumped in rivers, and scattered human bones found by dogs. TV is not very helpful for sleep.

I toss and turn. I feel cold. My bladder calls out to me and I must get up. I am going back to bed and going to sleep. I am determined. But sleep still doesn’t come. What is that lump in the bed? Didn’t we just buy an expensive new mattress? Why do I think I feel a lump? I turn my pillow over. I try two pillows.

I ache all over. My neck hurts. I throw my pillow on the floor. I turn on my side. My knees hurt. I lay on my back. My leg goes to sleep. My shoulder hurts. I dig through the nightstand drawer and find the numbing cream which I put on my shoulder and knees. I am too hot. I throw off the extra blanket.

My allergies kick in and my nose is stuffy. I use nose spray and wait for it to open my sinuses. My back itches where I can’t scratch. I check the clock. “If I go to sleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.” I try to meditate. I pray, please let me go to sleep. Maybe if I get up for a while and drink something warm, I can sleep. No use. I am too tired and sleepy to get up.

“Take melatonin.” friends suggest. I tried it and it seemed to help — until it didn’t. “Drink a glass of wine before bed.” I’m afraid alcohol with interact with my other meds, and I have enough problems without becoming an alcoholic.

“Have you tried sleeping pills?” “Yes,” the drugstores are full of sleep aids and doctors are usually happy to prescribe something as easy as making you sleep. I sleep alright if the pill is strong enough, but I am groggy all day the next day. Not a desirable solution or something I want to resort to on a permanent basis.

I used to have no problem with sleep. Show me a bed and I was asleep in 10 minutes. What happened? I can’t sleep for worrying about not sleeping. I turn off the TV and shut my eyes tightly. “If I go to sleep right now, maybe I can still get a few hours of sleep tonight.”

“Why, why, I ask, why can’t I sleep like any normal person?”

Posted in Health, Humor, Rants | Tagged Allergies, Insomnia, Melatonin, Sleep aids, Sleep disorders, Sleeplessness, Symptoms of insomnia | 7 Comments

War of the Hoses

Posted on October 4, 2023 by Sheila Moss

Last year I decided I was tired of my old garden hose that leaked and had been repaired several times. I went to the hardware store and bought a fancy new hose, 100 feet long and heavy duty. I also got a new nozzle, the metal kind that does not break all the time and squirt water in your face.

I was in hose heaven for a while. I could water my flowers, clean the patio and wash the fallen crabapples off the driveway. The hose was so heavy it didn’t get kinks in it. It was a beautiful hose, just what I needed – until today.

I was working on my “to do” list this week. I was going to wash the windows outside today. I can’t remember the last time they were done. I’m getting too arthritic to climb a ladder, but I thought I could at least wash them with a garden hose, even if it left a few water spots. I got an early start as the weather had been incredibly hot and humid and I wanted to finish before the heat of the day.

The idea I had was to unscrew the nozzle on the hose that I use in back of the house and put it on another shorter hose that I use in the front yard. Good idea, except I could not get the nozzle off no matter how hard I twisted or what I called it. Well, I would try the other end, the one fastened to the faucet. It was my lucky day; it unscrewed easily. So, I will simply move the entire hose to the front and use it instead, I thought. No problem.

But the hose would not cooperate. It apparently had been laying around in the grass longer than I thought as grass runners had grown over the top of it. I finally managed to get it untangled from the grass and started dragging it toward the front of the house. There was no way I could carry it. It was way too heavy.

As I dragged it along, it managed to grab onto every obstacle along the way. It knocked over the trash can. It tied itself into a knot. It wrapped itself around a bush. I had emptied the water to make it lighter, but that didn’t seem to help. That hose felt as if it weighed a hundred pounds.

I finally made it to the front but my back was almost broken. After I untangled the hose from the lilies it had latched onto, I tried to screw it on the faucet in the front yard. As usually, it would not cooperate. It went on sideways; it wouldn’t tighten; it popped loose. Eventually, though, I managed to get it on enough that it only leaked a little.

Sweat was running into my eyes and burning. It was dripping off the end of my nose. I will not be defeated by a stupid hose, I thought. With sheer grit and determination, I managed to clean the windows and finish my chore.

I was so tired I could not drag it back. It was left on the sidewalk in front of my house. I would cut it into shreds, but I guess I was too exhausted for revenge. I was so worn out that I went inside and took a nap — dirt, sweat and all. When I woke up, I took a shower, washed my hair and spent the rest of the day recovering from the hose ordeal.

I am not anxious to talk about my day. Guess I can mark “wash the windows” off my list now. After this experience, the windows may never be cleaned again.

I will keep the drapes closed so I can’t see them and it will not matter.

Posted in Home, Humor, Plants/Gardening | Tagged chores, Garden hose, To Do List, washing windows, Yard work | 4 Comments

Greetings from the Hotel Management

Posted on September 27, 2023 by Sheila Moss

This is a piece I wrote about a Writer’s Workshop I attended. While the conference itself was enjoyable, I was most impressed by observing the antics of conference attendees at the hotel. If you have ever been to a large convention, you may have noticed some of the silliness that goes on at these events when a bunch of people are away from home and let their hair down.

We appreciate the business you gave us with your recent Writers’ Workshop; however, there are still a few unfinished items regarding your stay that need to be attended to:

We would like to request that all the guests who took our towels and linens home please return them. While the hotel expects you to steal the leftover soap and shampoo, taking towels to wrap souvenirs while traveling is a bit too much. Individual guests will also be contacted by the hotel regarding the missing irons, coffee pots, hair dryers, and television sets. Please be reminded that we have your credit card numbers on file.

The hotel may be forced to bill you for the carpet cleaning required in the ballroom where you held your late night festivities Saturday. While we are uncertain exactly what happened in there, it was reported that hysterical laughter ensued all evening and several people left with wet pants.

We regret that the hotel was unable to provide all of our guests with late checkout on Sunday because you stayed up too late, drank too much, and overslept. We received many complaints from our other guests regarding loud late night partying. You may be interested to know that our conference planners have been fired for their part in instigating your overnight pajama party.

A number of lost items were found in the hotel ballroom Sunday morning. Among the items were several empty wine glasses, a cell phone, two autographed books, a large blue plastic bird, and three pink bunny slippers. You may claim missing items by contacting lost and found at the front desk. The hotel staff does not wish to comment further on this.

Thanks to your group, we have lost some of our most valuable employees. One of our waiters became a stand-up comedian after catching the attendee comedy show Saturday night. He handed in his resignation to the hotel and has gone to California to get into show biz.

The bartender has been given a leave of absence to recover from exhaustion from pouring so many drinks. Fortunately, the hotel was able to replace her on short notice by giving the job to a starving writer who was willing to work for the experience and promotion.

May we take the liberty of commenting that the hotel takes pride in our excellent guest services and does not find tasteless jokes about our city funny. We are innkeepers, not humorists, and cannot be expected to laugh at your idea of a funny joke. Furthermore, a lot of tourists come here, for your information — some of them on purpose. We hope that tourism at the hotel will not be affected by any negative publicity you bring us.

That pretty much takes care of the major unfinished business. We realize that you have a choice and we would like to thank you for choosing our hotel. We would be remiss if we failed to inform you that we have generously opted not to put your group on the hotel’s “black list” at this time. After all, it was a writers’ conference and the hotel is willing to tolerate some friskiness.

Thank goodness it will be several years before you have another one of these conferences, and we will have time to repair the damage. We will be happy to recommend a competitor next time if the hotel happens to unfortunately be booked up for the entire spring and summer and unable to accommodate you.

Sincerely yours,

The Hotel Management

DISCLAIMER: This is satirical humor and the opinions expressed are those of the author and not those of any actual hotel.