Dust of an Unlucky Moon

shelby-miller-653561-unsplashI don’t know if she was born in the dust of an unlucky moon, sneezed at the wrong time, or was under the rug when God passed out the good luck genes. Bad luck seems to follow my daughter around like a cloud of dust follows Pigpen in Peanuts cartoons.

It happened again yesterday. I was wheeling home from work, dead tired after a long day at the office, and just as I turned into the garage my cell phone rang. I missed it, but before I could get inside, the home phone was ringing.

“Mom, it’s me. My car broke down on the Interstate and quit. Can you come and get me?”

“Where are you?”

“At the gas station near the mall.”

“Where’s the car?”

“It’s still on the side of the Interstate. I’ve been stranded for two hours.”

“Did you call a tow truck?”

“Yes, but they didn’t come. I saw you go by on your way home.”

Well, it’s an emergency. Nothing to do but turn around and go back. Why didn’t the tow truck come? I need to call them back. I forgot to ask who she called.

Halfway back to the mall, my cell phone rang again. “Mom, they are sending another tow truck. The first one broke down on the way to get me.”

Good grief! Not only can they not make a car that runs these days, they can’t even make an emergency vehicle that will!

I made it to the gas station at about the time the towing company called again to say the second truck was on the way and would be there in 25 minutes.

She had called the roadside assistance that came with the car warranty. That was good thinking. I never would have thought of them. Of course, with her luck she has plenty of experience with tow trucks. I wondered if the truck that broke down was made by the same company as her car.

“Where did you tell them to tow it

“They will only tow it if you take it to a dealership.”

We just spent a thousand dollars on repairs to that stupid piece of junk a month ago, so that’s where it needs to go anyhow.

“What did it do?”

“It just started making a noise and not going anywhere. I had to pull over to the side. I sat there for an hour before the emergency assistance truck came by, but they couldn’t get it started. Then the police finally came, and gave me a ride to the gas station. They said it was too dangerous to stay there.”

What a nightmare! The newly dispatched tow truck was coming from the car dealership. We waited a while at the gas station and then went to meet the tow truck on the side of the road.

It was the middle of rush hour traffic, and not a good place to be on the side of the Interstate in the dark. The traffic sped by at 70 mph only a few feet from where we were. I looked in the rear view mirror, hoping each passing car would be the tow truck. I was scared to death we would be hit, but finally I saw the beautiful flashing lights of the tow truck.

My daughter called the dealership today to see what the problem is with the car. She waited on hold for an hour, but apparently everyone was too busy to talk to her. I guess the service center has a lot of business.

Finally, they called back to say the car needed a part and a new battery. Naturally, the dust cloud poured out its usual unlucky grunge and they didn’t have the part in stock. So, she is without a car over the weekend and, maybe longer.

If you see a dark, dusty cloud floating by, it is not Pigpen. That will be my daughter in her car heading for her next disaster.

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
Posted in Automotive, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cupid’s Reply

cupid-bow-arrow-heartTo: Loveless@hotmail.com

From: Cupid@olympus.net

Subject: RE: Urgent Request

Thank you for your inquiry via email. I always make my utmost effort to respond to clients, especially with circumstances as desperate as those you describe. I am indeed known through out eternity for my intervention in matters of the heart; however, the request you make is a most serious one.

By the way, while it’s true than some matches have been better than others, remember that except for me, they would never have fallen in love at all. It is better to have loved and lost, and all that stuff, you know.

One shot from my arrow will give anyone a romantic way of thinking. Your beloved will forget about TV and his computer and shower you with love and affection. Do you like flowers, chocolates and perfume? How about a pair of diamond earrings or a red silk nightie?

I am the ORIGINAL “love doctor” — way before Dr. Phil or Dr. Ruth. I don’t waste time on analysis — just one arrow and ZING! It a sure shot for a sagging relationship every time with no Cialis needed!

All men have a tender spot somewhere. It only takes the right woman and a little incentive for him to become love struck and hopelessly head over heels. I would suggest a word of caution, however. Be sure — very sure — that this is the man of your dreams. Once my arrow smites him, he will be under the power of the greatest motivational force known to mankind. Wars have been fought for the sake of love.

I will look forward to being at your service and will plan to arrive early on February 14th. No human being should live without love. Don’t worry about me finding him, I have my methods and always get my prey.

By the way, if you should feel a tiny sting yourself, do not be alarmed. Love works best when it is mutually shared. So, just enjoy that warm, loving feeling and do not attempt to resist letting your heart melt. I have just checked my records and it seems that I have received an email concerning you also.

Men can also write letters to Cupid, you know.

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Email to Cupid

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To: Cupid@olympus.net

From: Loveless@hotmail.com

Subject: Urgent Request

Since this month is February, the month of love, and since you are the bearer of love and affection, could I ask you to aim one of your arrows at a certain person I know? Just one shot from your arrow could probably bring him around to a more romantic way of thinking. My guy forgets that February 14th is Valentine’s Day, and usually watches TV until he falls asleep.

After all, you have been patching relationships for ailing couples for an eternity. Romeo and Juliet, Mark Anthony and Cleopatra, Brad and Jennifer. Well, maybe some have turned out a little better than others, but you know what I mean. Since you will be out anyhow, flitting around in your underwear, couldn’t you just aim an arrow or two his way? I know you are not Dr. Phil, but I don’t really have time for a consultation and most likely he is out shopping for a Valentine gift for his beloved anyhow.

With your excellent marksmanship, you could easily nail my guy. If you think it would help, I can turn on the porch light when he gets home so you don’t have to waste a lot of valuable time doing your business. I would hate to have to hold him down, though, as he would certainly figure out what I’m up to then

I don’t want you to shoot him in the heart — just wing him a little. A direct shot to the heart would probably kill an old guy like him. He might become so amorous that I could not control him. I would hate for you to be responsible for any nasty incidents that might occur — or is that just wishful thinking?

Thank you for your kind attention and I will be looking forward to your response.

 

Posted in Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Furniture Safari

fernando-cferdo-627205-unsplashI’ve not purchased any furniture in a long time — so long I don’t even want to think about it. After all, who needs furniture? Once you buy it, it lasts forever, except maybe an upholstered piece or two, but even that can be recovered and made like new.

I’ve been thinking about my home lately. It is always dangerous when a woman thinks about her home. We are sitting scrunched up in a small bedroom-turned-office with computers and a TV, while in the front of the house there is a large living room that is hardly touched at all.

It just doesn’t make sense. We need to utilize our space differently and start taking advantage of the space we have instead of saving it — what are we saving it for? Company? Company doesn’t have to live here, but I do and my elbows are tired of bumping into stuff.

We need some new furniture, something that looks decent instead of the make-do mess that is good enough for the office but not for the living room. We need something for the TV and all the junk that goes with it. We can move the TV to the living room to utilize our space, but we can’t have that tacky TV in the living room in its current black, plastic glory.

It’s time to go shopping.

Now, just walk in a furniture store and look as if you have come to spend money and the sales people are on you like vultures on carrion. “What are you looking for today?” “Let me show you this one.” “Did you see that one over there?”

When I shopped for furniture back in the dark ages, life was much simpler. Nowadays a TV needs a media center with components, expandable bridges, and glass shelves. I had no idea of the sort of stuff that is on the market.

We are led around the cavernous store in a daze. I want everything I see and each item is prettier, and more expensive, than the last. But, eventually, everything begins to look the same and it all sort of blends together in one giant wall unit. I can’t remember what I saw, where I saw it, how much it cost, what size it was, or anything else — even though I thought I was being smart by writing information down.

We wander around furniture stores that are all the same; looking at furniture that is all the same, while smiling salespeople that are all the same follow us sniffing. This item is sort of what we want, and that one is better but not exactly it either. That one is too expensive and we might be able to afford that one, but it is not the right size.

“How do you get out of here? I need time to think.” Our only chance is when a young couple that looks newlywed walks in the door. “I think I’m being paged,” says the salesperson, as he excuses himself. “Here, take my card!”

I’m beginning to wonder if rearranging the house is such a good idea after all. We may be cramped and tacky, but at least we don’t have to spend all our free time on furniture store expeditions. My head hurts, my knees ache, and I need to go to the bathroom.

Believe it or not, there are still some other stores that my honey wants to look at before we buy as if I’m not confused enough already. Maybe sooner or later we will find something that is the right style, right price, right wood, and right size.

In the meantime, my cramped little office is becoming smaller and smaller every day. I’m beginning to hallucinate that I’m being stalked by a furniture salesman with a remote control, which changes furniture from one style to another, one size to another, and one item to another.

If we could only find the remote button that lowers the price, we might be able to buy.

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
Posted in Home, Humor, Shopping | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Cabin Fever

toa-heftiba-464652-unsplashDo you want to be a snow bunny? Are you tired of spending winter cooped up in the house? Do you want to go to a romantic winter lodge and ski down the bunny slope? Do you want to feel the wind and the spray of the snow in your face? Do you want to sit by the stone fireplace and drink hot buttered rum?

Winter wouldn’t be so bad except for the weather. Even though the stupid groundhog didn’t see his shadow, winter dreariness didn’t get the memo. December is gone and January bleakness has faded into February’s harshness.

Not even a romantic holiday like Valentine’s Day, or the numerous other holidays in February, can fix a cheerless month whose only redeeming factor is that it is short.

As winter sets in, so does cabin fever – not to be confused with Saturday night fever, an entirely different thing. Cabin fever is that winter syndrome that makes you feel so cooped up and stir crazy.

Here are a few of the tell-tell symptoms:

— The once cozy fireplace has now turned into an ash-belching bat cave.

— The TV has only one program that seems the same on every channel regardless of how many channels on the satellite.

— Your rooms grow smaller and smaller with each passing day until you are sure you will be squashed into a Rubik’s cube with eyelashes.

— Cold chills cause shivers and you are wearing that warm, fuzzy bathrobe that you used to think was tacky, but now think is great.

— Floating cat hair and dust mites drift around in the recycled air that you breath and make you sneeze.

— You try to think of things to do to get out of the house when there’s really no place to go, nothing to do, and besides it’s too cold outside anyhow.

— TV’s, stereos, vacuum cleaners, dishwashers, barking dogs, and other domestic sounds echo through your head like a bowling alley on Friday night.

— Toys, papers, shoes, umbrellas and other assorted clutter lay scattered about so that you have to tiptoe around it and pretend you don’t notice — or maybe clean it up one of these days.

— You are the captive of a weather-imposed prison, and there is nothing to do but grin and bear it – or bust the budget for a Caribbean cruise.

— You are sick of surfing the Internet, looking at magazines, reading books, and cooking and would love to go out for a nice long walk if your nose and toes wouldn’t freeze.

— You grow weary of looking through foggy windows, and walking on carpets that are almost as crunchy as potato chips.

— Your family is grumpy from smelling each other, and each other’s other, over and over again.

— You’ve run out of ways to entertain the kids and they are hyper and won’ t settle down to the usual books, toys, and games but would rather rabbit punch each other instead.

— The houseplants curl up and turn yellow from lack of humidity — or lack of interest in living.

— Sheer boredom turns life into a black and white movie and you are the star without makeup, credits or the academy award you so richly deserve.

If all this seems strangely familiar, you too may suffering from cabin fever. Fortunately, there is an inexpensive cure if you can’t afford a vacation and becoming a snow bunny is not your style.

Spring

And all you have to do is wait about six weeks for a time when groundhogs are a distant memory, flowers bloom, the sun returns and snow bunnies become beach bunnies.

Copyright 2005 Sheila Moss
Posted in Humor | 1 Comment

The Mischievous Cat’s New Tree

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DAY 1 – Once of the most joyful things about the holiday season is the tradition of putting up a Christmas tree. At last the tree is up, trimmed and in all its glory. The lights are sparkling and the ornaments glittering.

DAY 2 – “Isn’t it beautiful?” As I stand back to admire it. The cat’s green eyes narrow and she looks intently at the strange new object that has entered her world.

DAY 3 – Well, I might have known that the cat could not resist checking out the tree. She even managed to pull off a few of the low hanging ornaments during the night. Isn’t that cute? I will hang them back where they belong. She will get used to it and leave it alone after a while. “Nice kitty! You must not bother the pretty tree.”

DAY 4 – “Bad kitty! Look at all those ornaments you pulled off the tree! You are not supposed to bother the tree. You must have pulled off a dozen. How did you get to them? Now I will have to redecorate the entire tree. I can’t go through this every day. Scat!”

DAY 5 – There are ornaments all over the house, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, and even in the bed. The cat must have gone wild last night. “What’s the matter with you, stupid cat? I told you to leave it alone. This is not a collection of cat toys for you. Leave it alone. Understand?”

DAY 6 – She finally did it. The cat from hell turned the tree over and the ornaments are scattered all over the house. The side of the tree is all mashed in. I pick up the tree, and gather the ornaments. “I can fix it later — after I put out the cat.”

DAY 7 – Of course the tree is in the floor again. What did you expect? This is getting to be more trouble than it’s worth. “If I can find that cat I’m going to kill it!” But when I come back from looking for her, the tree is turned over again. “The cat can live in the garage until Christmas. I don’t care how cold it is.”

DAY 8 – The demon cat got back in the house. The tree is upside down and there are ornaments all over the place. The star has falling off and the tree has only a few ornaments left hanging on it. “Who cares?”

DAY 9 – The cat turns the tree over. I put it back up. The cat turns the tree over. I put it back up. The cat turns the tree over. I put it back up. The cat thinks it is a game. You would think that a falling tree would scare the nine lives out of her, but she seems to enjoy it.

DAY 10 – The stupid tree has been turned over so many times I’ve lost count. I throw a handful of stupid ornaments at it. What do you need a stupid tree in the stupid house for anyhow?

DAY 11 – “Yes, the tree is turned over. Want to make something of it?” For your information, I don’t have time to put it back up right now. I’m too busy planning creative ways to kill the cat and make it look like an accident.

DAY 12
– We are probably the only family in the world to put up a Christmas tree and take it back down before Christmas. Humans are really hard to understand. First we give the cat a new tree for Christmas and then we take it back.

CAT: “Hello! What did they expect putting a tree decorated with shiny new cat toys right in the middle of the living room?”

Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss
Posted in Creatures, Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , | 4 Comments

Chat With the Dog

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Before I begin, I would like to say that you are, for the most part, a good pet. However, there are a few matters that need to be discussed regarding the holiday this year. I hope you will pay attention so that we will not have any similar disasters next year.

First, I would like to call your attention to the little fiasco involving the Christmas tree. Because we have a tree indoors does not mean that you can treat it as though it is outdoors. In other words, from now on find a fireplug. Enough said.

While we are on the topic, I would also like to warn you about chasing the cat in the living room. Cats are accustomed to climbing trees to escape from dogs, and the mess made when the Christmas tree tipped over will not soon be forgotten. I cannot emphasize enough how lucky we all are that it fell away from the fireplace instead of towards it.

Then there is the matter of the lights. Whether you enjoy flashing lights or not, humans consider them a part of the celebration of Christmas. Chewing the extension cord to the tree in half was not one of your smarter endeavors. I’m sure you are aware of this, however, since the shock knocked you halfway across the room and nearly turned you into a Roman candle.

Ornaments are intended to be admired, not eaten. I’m only thankful that we caught you before you swallowed it. Otherwise you would have spent the holiday in the veterinary hospital getting glass removed from your stomach. Christmas ornaments are people toys, not dog toys.

The chocolate chip cookies and the milk that we left out were for Santa and the reindeer, not a snack for you. Chocolate is not good for dogs. Please keep this in mind and maybe next year you will not vomit on the carpet.

Gifts are to be unwrapped by the person whose name is on the tag. They are not intended to be chewed open on Christmas Eve, regardless of how excited you are. And quit pointing at the cat. I have already spoken to the cat about the ribbons, and she denies any further involvement.

I know you were trying to protect our home, but Santa is not a burglar. Burglars wear masks and come to take things, not to bring gifts. I believe we can also infer that they seldom dress in red velvet suits. Please make a note of this for future reference. If there is ever any more confusion, bark and wake us up instead of biting Santa’s leg.

You are very lucky that there were no injuries when you chased the reindeer. Have you not learned anything at all in obedience school? It may be your instinct to chase other animals, but please, not Santa’s reindeer. You frightened them so badly that Prancer nearly fell off the roof.

And while we are on the subject of chasing, this rule also applies to the postman and the delivery people bringing packages. I don’t know why, but I have a feeling that a burglar could rob us blind and you would follow him around wagging your tail, but let a delivery person come around and you turn into a fire-breathing guard dog.

Finally, do not beg for food while we are eating Christmas dinner. You have a full dish of dog food. If you can remember not to jump on people and breath dog breath on them while they are eating, you will not have to spend Christmas day outside in the doghouse next year.

I’m really glad we had this little chat. I have my doubts that you intend to change, though, since your snoring was so loud you sounded like a canine sawmill. I suppose it is hopeless.

Somehow I have a feeling that what humans consider “naughty,” dogs consider “nice.”

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
Posted in Creatures, Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

The Gift Card

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Congratulations! You are the recipient of American’s most wanted gift, the gift card. The gift card can be exchanged for many useful and necessary items. Cash is not one of them.

Please read the following instructions to learn how to use your new gift card.

Gift cards come with a number of different designs on the front. Ignore the picture; it is the amount that the card will purchase that matters, and they are all spent exactly the same way. You can tell how much the balance is on the card by calling the phone number conveniently located on the back of the card and entering the secret identification number, also on the back of the card.

When you have decided what you want to purchase with your gift card, take it to the retail store indicated on the front of the card. This will most likely be a store you have never heard of with items you are not interested in buying. This is how friends encourage you to try new experiences and to acquire items that you cannot afford. Also, it is how retailers make extra profit from gift cards.

Regardless of the item you select, it will always cost more than the gift card is worth and you will have to pay the additional amount yourself. In this way you are assured of receiving a gift that is exactly what you want, regardless of whether the giver can afford it or not.

In the unlikely event that you select an item which is less expensive than the value of the gift card, you will have approximately $1.58 left on the card. You will then need to carry it around for the rest of your life, or until you find another item that you want to purchase and remember to use the card’s balance.

Gift cards are plastic money, like credit cards, except after they are spent you cannot continue buying with them. You can, however, have them reactivated in whatever amount you wish to pay. Why on earth you would want to reactivate a gift card has never been explained. You can also keep the worthless card as a souvenir after you use it. You will most likely forget that it is spent and try to spend it again a few months later.

If you do not want to use your gift card right away, you can save it until you actually need something and use it at that time. This will give you ample opportunity to lose it or misplace it before it is spent. You can have lost or stolen cards replaced as long as you have the number which is conveniently located on the back of the card that you lost and the receipt which is normally retained by the giver.

If you purchase an item with your gift card and later decided that you do not want or need it, most stores will allow you to return it for a full refund in the form of another gift card. In fact, the trend is to give all refunds in the form of gift cards. You can then use the card to re-gift someone when you do not know what to buy for a gift.

Gift cards have become so popular that some stores sell not only cards for their own store, but cards for other stores as well. A wide variety of colorful designs for all occasions are now available. Customers may have almost as much trouble selecting the right gift card as they would in selecting the right gift.

The biggest gift of all that is given with gift cards is to retailers who make about $8 billion per year in profit from unused and unspent gift cards.

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss
Posted in Finance, Holidays, Humor, Shopping | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Candy Is Dandy

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Here it is, Christmas again and the whole world is turning into sugar and spice. For some reason, we don’t seem to be able to celebrate the holiday without filling ourselves with sweets.

What is it about the Christmas season that brings out the sweet side of people? And I don’t mean sweet, as in “nice.” I mean sweet as in candy, cookies, cake, and other goodies. It’s like dancing with the sugar plum fairy.

“Here, have a cookie! The ones with the cranberries are good. Did you try the chocolate chip ones?” And this was at a business meeting. Because it is Christmas, the world has turned into a candy kitchen.

You can’t get through the door at Wal-Mart without falling over the stacks of decorated cupcakes conveniently located where you have to pass right by them. And that is not even to mention the featured displays of candy at the checkout lane.

Temptation preys on my weakness for the Christmas candy that you can only get during the Christmas season. I know that I won’t have any for a whole year if I don’t eat it now, which makes it twice as hard to pass by.

Maybe it is the sugar rush to the brain making me hyper, or maybe it is just my sugarcoated imagination, but I feel as if candy canes and chocolate covered cherries are chasing me. I’m running as fast as I can, but the sweets are always there first when I arrive, regardless of where I go.

It’s tough to say “no” to all this sugar, especially when we have been
conditioned to think that sweet is a treat and sugary items are “goodies”.

“Care for a free sample?” At the grocery store they are handing it out in the produce aisles. “Would you like a discount coupon?”

We are practically living in gingerbread houses with frosting dripping from the rooftops. The average American consumes 20 pounds of sugar a year. Still, we can’t seem to get enough of the stuff. Obesity is one of our biggest health problems.

“Would you care for dessert?”

Of course, I would. I didn’t get enough sugar in my cola drink. I really need more.

Everything is candied, caramelized, or coated with chocolate. Some breakfast cereals have as much sugar as a bar of chocolate. We put Twinkies in our lunch boxes, and gourmet coffee is more like a dessert than a beverage. Very few items on the grocery shelf do not list sugar as one of their ingredients.

Holidays are worst of all, because sweets and sugar treats are pushed, flaunted, and waved in our face like at no other time of the year. We manage to rationalize our over indulgences with enough excuses to put several additional pounds under our belts during the holiday season.

So. I’ve been thinking that if we are going to eat sugar anyhow, why disguise it as breakfast pancakes or a gourmet beverage? We might as well just consume pure sugar and get it over with.

Pass the candy dish.

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss

 

Posted in Food, Health, Holidays, Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Application to Retire

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NAME: Gabby Ol’ Grump

ADDRESS: Just address me as “Hey You” or Granny. My home street address? You can just deposit my pension checks directly into my bank account and I won’t have to worry about them getting stolen out of my mailbox. Old people obsess about this, you know.

SEX: Once in a while, but I’m still young enough to be hopeful.

POSITION APPLIED FOR: Couch Potato. Seriously, I’ve spent the best years of my life in an office cubicle. It’s time to blow this joint and see the rest of the world.

PREVIOUS SALARY: Too little, too late — however from an employer’s perspective, I probably make enough to pay two or three part-time employees who are younger and more energetic than I am.

DESIRED SALARY: $100,000 per year plus paid medical and dental insurance. Since that’s not an option according to the retirement office, then I guess I will have to learn to live on Social Security, the inadequate pension you have provided (thank you), and the interest off my checking account.

EDUCATION: Graduated suma cum lauda from the School of Hard Knocks and hold an advanced degree from the University of Experience.

LAST POSITION HELD: If all goes as planned, this will be my last position. It’s really hard to know since I’m not dead yet, in spite of what others may think.

PAST EXPERIENCE: Been there, done that, don’t want to go there again.

NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENTS: I can’t think of anything other than staying alive to reach retirement age without having a heart attack or nervous breakdown, and without even taking an extended absence to use up my sick leave before retirement.

REASON FOR LEAVING: To get a life. But, if it were not for the 8-hour rat race, I would stay around forever just to aggravate all the younger workers who want my job.

HOURS AVAILABLE: 24/7 – except for nights, weekends, holidays, and afternoon beauty naps.

ANY SPECIAL SKILLS: I can work overtime with the flu, meet stressful deadlines without going postal, use the stairs instead of the elevator, and can stay awake and hold my water during long, boring meetings. I can also type with one hand while answering the phone with the other.

CURRENT EMPLOYER: You are my current employer. Check with the Personnel Department. Don’t you speak to each other any more?

ARE YOU WILLING TO RELOCATE? I’ve heard that Florida is a popular place for retirement; however, many retirees are moving back to where they came from due to the hurricanes. Arizona is not an option. It’s too far away from the grandchildren.

ANY SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITIONS: I don’t remember. (Another good reason to retire.)

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? Yes, it has 70,000 miles on it from commuting back and forth to the city five days a week; however, it’s almost paid for and has good tires. (If you are offering to give me a company vehicle, I accept.)

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? No, You don’t even know I work here. (See above.) I did get a nice certificate with my name spelled wrong, however, and a silver key chain for my many years of service.

DO YOU SMOKE? If I did, do you think I would have lived long enough to be retiring? Who has time for a smoke break around here anyhow? (Are you gathering information to reduce my life insurance benefits by any chance?)

RETIREMENT OBJECTIVE: To stay busy doing all the things that I haven’t had time to do because I am always at work. And when I’m out of here, don’t call me – I’ll call you.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? No, retirement isn’t a crime; it’s supposed to be a reward for breaking my back in the salt mines, isn’t it?

IS THIS INFORMATION TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Of course, I could be fired for lying on my retirement application — if I wasn’t quitting anyhow, that is. (heh-heh!)

REFERENCES: Try Wikipedia, our Policy Manual or Google it.
(No use asking my boss if I am a good candidate for retirement. She is too busy looking for someone to replace me who will work for the same measly salary.)

Copyright 2006 Sheila Moss

Photo by Niklas Hamann

Posted in Humor, Work Humor | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments