Humor Columnist Blog

Flash Flood!

Posted on June 18, 2021 by Sheila Moss

“Help, somebody help!” What are those kids yelling about now, I wondered, thinking it was my grandchildren. Then I remembered, the grandchildren are at home.

My daughter came down the hall yelling, “I need help.” What in the world? Is the house on fire? No, but it might as well be. I rounding the corner to see Old Faithful erupting in my bathroom and a river coming from under the sink.

Water was squirting from a broken pipe. By then the water was an inch deep on the floor. The little knob that shuts off the water wouldn’t turn any further. We needed to turn off the main water supply.

“Go under the house and turn off the water!” We were getting pretty panicked and the water continued to flow. My daughter grabbed a flashlight and took off to the crawl space. Soon she was back. “I can’t find it.”

The water was getting deeper and starting to run out the door into the bedroom. She called my son. “Come home! We are having a flood. We need you NOW!”

A plumber, I’ll call a plumber. I grabbed the phone book and looked for one with a 24 hour emergency service. Here’s the one that I just paid over a thousand dollars to work on the septic tank. I called. “We are taking calls for tomorrow,” he said.

“I have a busted pipe and water is flooding the house. I can’t wait until tomorrow. Can you just cut off the water?”

“Sorry, I don’t have anyone available.”

I called the next emergency service plumber and got an answering machine. “If you are club member and this is an emergency, press 1.” Plumbers have clubs? What the H…!

“Should I get the neighbor?” asked my daughter. “Yes, yes, anything!”

Thank God for neighbors with good sense. Our neighbor came and looked, then ran back home and got a tool to cut off the water at the meter. I knew that plumbers did that, but I had no idea how to do it.

We grabbed towels to soak up water. Every towel in the house was soon wringing wet and the rug in the bedroom was squishy for several feet from the door. I remembered that the carpet shampooer would suck up water, so I grabbed it and started vacuuming.

“It was like a waterfall under the house,” my daughter said. “Water was coming from every crack.” Oh, God. I was soaked to the waist and my daughter was too. We took everything from under the sink and threw it in the shower.

The neighbor said all we needed to fix it was a small part, so honey, who had been as useless as the rest of us until now, took off to the hardware store instead of helping clean up the mess.

Meanwhile, my son arrived after it was all over. When honey finally came dragging back with the part, he went in the bathroom and fixed it.

“I’m turning the water back on now,” he said. “Be sure it doesn’t leak.” Fortunately, it didn’t and the crisis was over, except for washing three loads of wet towels and running fans for a week to dry the rug.

Eventually everything dried out. I was planning to replace the rug soon anyhow. The part was only $10 and I didn’t have to pay a plumber.

This Saturday we are all going to get lessons in how to shut off the water in case of an emergency and I’m going to buy one of those tools to do it with, regardless of cost. The next time I need a plumber, it will not be the non-emergency, “24/7 emergency” service.

We’ve had flash flood warnings due to the rain, and river flood warnings due to the runoff, but they forgot to mention flash floods in the bathroom due to broken pipes.

Downsizing

Posted on June 13, 2021 by Sheila Moss

I had an epiphany this week. Sad as it might be, I’m not getting any younger. I need to realize that one day I’m not going to be around anymore. All the stuff I’ve been saving because I might need it one day is not needed now and likely never will be. I might as well get rid of it.

I periodically decide to clean and get rid of excess junk. When you move, you pare down and trash things to keep from having to move them. However, I have not moved in 20 years and it is starting to show — big time.

I started with my closet. I don’t work in an office anymore and never wear most of the clothes I own. I could have sworn I cleaned the closet last fall when I had nothing else to do due to the pandemic. I don’t know why I still have so many shoes. Somehow, a clean closet inspires me to buy more clothes.

This time it is not going to happen.

A clean closet inspired me to clean dresser drawers. In case you are wondering, yes, I’ve read Marie Kondo’s book about “tidying up.” She says take each item and ask yourself if it gives you joy. If the answer is no, get rid of it. That doesn’t work for me. If it didn’t give me joy, I wouldn’t have it in the first place.

The question I ask is, “Do I ever use this?” If I don’t currently use it, it is not likely I am going to use it in the years I have remaining. My only exception is a few things for which I have a strong (very strong) sentimental attachment. I once saw a program about organization that said anything worth keeping is worth displaying. With a limited amount of space for living, that draws a pretty clear line.

From the bedroom, I went to the kitchen. There was not a whole lot to do in the kitchen, but it did need organizing. I tried to get rid of the goose pattern dishes (honestly), but realized we would not have anything to eat on. I also kept my “good dishes.” I guess someone else will have to get rid of the wedding china when I die as I simply can’t do it.

Of course, the big overwhelming problem is the attic, stuff that has not been touched in years, stuff I’m going to need “one of these days” — maybe. Ridiculous. So, I resolved to do the deed while I was in the mood. I sent four storage bins of stuff to charity today, and have at least four more that can go next.

I’m giving away some good stuff. I thought I would have a garage sale one day, but garage sales are a lot of trouble. Usually, after dragging all the cast off items out, pricing it, advertising it, spending a day selling it and putting up with people wanting to bargain when stuff is already dirt cheap, I am lucky to end up with a hundred dollars. I am just going to donate it and be done with it once and for all.

It’s hard, but the more things that go, the better I feel. I will soon be done with my hoard. Does everyone have a stuff not good enough to use but too good to throw away? Judging from the many rental storage units seen around town, I’m not the only one. I’m beginning to see that my hoard is only a small part of the problem. Since I have plenty of room, other people put their junk in my attic too.

My back hurts, my allergies are acting up from the dust, I have a headache, and it is hot up there. I’m running out of steam. Maybe I will leave the rest until I have more time. This seems to always be how my stories about downsizing end.

Posted in Home, Humor | Tagged Attic storage, Cleaning house, Donations, Garage sale, Hoarding, Organizing, Pare down, Storing junk, Tidying up, Too much stuff | 9 Comments

Fashionable and Free

Posted on June 11, 2021 by Sheila Moss

“Free lunch bag,” said the advertisement.

“Hum, that’s pretty cute,” I thought. “I wouldn’t mind to have one of those. So what’s the catch?” If there is one thing I’ve learned in life, it is that nothing is free that is worth having.

I flipped the box over and read the conditions. Twenty boxes . . . that’s a lot. I knew they were not giving away lunch bags for nothing.

“But, I can do it.”

The boxes I am talking about are frozen dinner boxes. Yes, I know, but I take a frozen dinner to the office for lunch most of the time. It started when I was on a diet. After I stopped dieting, I kept on taking frozen lunches. They are better than a baloney sandwich, and all you have to do is grab one out of the freezer in the morning.

Let’s see, one box a day, five days a week – it will take a month, I calculated. That’s not too bad, and I have to eat anyhow. Honey eats them too, so I could get his boxes. This is beginning to sound easier all the time, I thought, as I decided which one of the styles I liked best.

The pink one with big dots is really snazzy, “The Ashley – fun and flirty,” it says. But I guess I’ll go with “The Nicole – glitz and glam.” A darker color will match more things. Not that it matters if my lunch bag matches my outfit. What am I thinking?

“Collect 20 unique codes (one code found inside each box). A few entrees a week will get you there in no time.” Okay, so where is the code? Then I found out that not all the dinners have the code, only the more expensive dinners. That figures.

I sent my honey an email, “Save your frozen dinner box and bring it home.”

“Bring home the garbage?”

I had to explain the entire thing to him to get him to bring home the stupid box. Then wouldn’t you just know it? It was the wrong kind, no code.

So, I ate chicken and rice — rice and chicken. Some of the dinners are pretty good, but none of them are gourmet cuisine. How good can a frozen diet dinner be?

The boxes stacked up. I started counting. I had fourteen. When is the deadline? Oh, no, it’s the 3rd. There are not enough days left!

I sent out an urgent plea to my co-workers. “If you eat frozen lunches, can I have your box? I’m saving for a free lunch bag. “Apparently no one ate the same brand of lunches as me. I got one lousy box out of it. Still, a box is a box.

Five to go.

Maybe I could buy new lunches and take them out of the boxes, I thought. I was starting to get desperate.

I went to the grocery store, and the specially marked lunches were hard to find. I dug deep and came up with five.

I’ve saved four more this week. One of my five was the wrong kind. Only one more dinner and I’ll have enough. I have to go to the grocery store again. They better have some of the good boxes left, or else . . . Or else what? Well, I don’t know what, but after saving nineteen of these things, I want that free lunch bag.

I did have one piece of good news. I read the fine print wrong. I have until the 31st to save my boxes, not the 3rd. I’m practically assured of getting a free lunch bag now.

Let me see, at an average of $2.88 per dinner x 20, the free lunch bag has cost me over $57. But that’s not the point. The point is that I didn’t have to pay extra, the lunch bag is FREE.

I really hope they don’t give away anything else, though. I can’t afford any more free lunch bags.

Posted in Fashion, Food, Humor | Tagged Collect codes, Fine print, Free lunch bag, Free premium, Free with purchase, Frozen dinners, Lean Cuisine, Lunch, lunch bag, Specially marked boxes | 8 Comments

Brave New iWorld

Posted on June 8, 2021 by Sheila Moss

My grandchildren have a new electronic toy. My daughter called it her iPhone. It seems in a moment of sheer insanity, she downloaded a free game for the girls, thinking it would keep them quiet in the doctor’s waiting room. Since the kids found out about the toy, mommy never gets to play with it herself.

The rule is that the only games that are allowed to be downloaded are the free ones. The problem is that the free games have bright flashing ads for the improved $3.99 version. The even bigger problem is that neither of the girls are old enough to read. When they see a big flashy button, they think it is part of the game. The rest is history.

Daughter figured it out after she got the $112 credit card bill from Apple iTunes. Now the girls are supervised better when they play with mom’s toy.

It’s strange how kids seem to instinctively be able to play with these sophisticated electronics. The girls also liked my grandson’s iPad. While an adult will spend hours trying to figure out how to use an app, a kid can pick an iPad and have it playing tunes on the Disney site in 20 seconds.

After many years, I’m still trying to learn to use my iPhone. The only good thing to report is that my texting skills are getting better. Now that I have figured out the phone can spell better than I can, it’s become a lot easier. It fixes all my mistakes and just keeps going.

The iPads and iPhones have all sorts of sophisticated iGames on them that are downloaded off iTunes, for example, “Pop the Bubble Wrap.” Now that’s an intellectual game that can hold your attention. And you don’t even have to buy new bubble wrap when all the bubbles are popped.

My daughter was excited when she found out that my Wi-Fi connection downloaded games really fast. She filled up her phone with games figuring she could transfer them to an old iPod when she got home and give it to the girls instead of letting them play with her iPhone. Of course, the iPod idea didn’t work out all that well. Since there are two kids, they now each have a toy and mom still doesn’t have one.

I really don’t understand the attraction of having a telephone that doubles as an electronic toy. I’m sure I must be missing out on something very important by not downloaded music or games. I’m so far behind the times that I don’t even know what that something is. Sometimes I even enter the number instead using my directory or the voice app. I do use the touch pad instead of a rotary dial, so don’t laugh too hard.

I know how to post on Facebook, though, and with my new text messaging skills, I can almost pass for cool. I managed to fool the “Guess Your Age” game on my daughter’s phone into thinking I am forty-six, even though I don’t watch the Simpsons. It was either the fact that I send several text messages a day or that I eat a large number of hamburgers. Who would think that eating hamburgers is a way to stay young?

I must admit that finger painting with an IPad has advantages over letting kids paint with the real stuff. I really don’t understand why you need a computer to pay tic-tac-toe, though. I guess it is like a lot of things, it is done with a computer only because it can be done.

The worse, absolutely worse, game, however, is one of the children’s favorites. The name alone is enough to convince me that I don’t want it on my iPhone. The only skill required is a fast thumb and a strong stomach. It is called “Smash the Ants”.

Posted in Humor, Technology | Tagged Apple iTunes, apps, Electronic Gadgets, Electronic games, iPad games, iPhone, Kids and computers, Text messages | Leave a comment

Letter to the Car

Posted on June 3, 2021 by Sheila Moss

Dear Car,

Can we talk? You and I need to have a little discussion. You seem to be having a lot of problems lately. Is there something wrong that I don’t know about? Every time I turn around, you seem to have another ailment.

I know the nail in your tire was not your fault, but you could be a little more careful and watch where you are going so you do not pick up nails. I thought we could get it patched up and you would be okay, but that seems not to be the case. A major tire transplant was not in my budget for this month.

Then there is the matter of the turn signal light going out. Please. How many times have I told you not to be winking at other cars, even if they are cute little sports models? The turn light is to use only when turning or changing lanes on the Interstate. And now your other turn light has gone out too. I give up!

I have been very good to you, car. I’ve had your oil and filter changed every 3,000 miles, all your fluids checked, and given you anything else you needed. You have had no major mechanical problems or nervous breakdowns. And you still look hot, much younger than your actual mileage.

Remember you have over 100,000 miles on you. Even though you look good, your parts are not what they used to be. I don’t want you to get the idea that you have earned the right to do as you please. If these minor ailments continue, I may have to consider garaging you.

Your tendency to refuse to shift into reverse is also beginning to be annoying. I know you think it is amusing, but I am not laughing. It is starting to get on my nerves. If you think I’m going to go out and get you a new transmission, you can forget it. So, you might as well stop the funny stuff and quit being so shiftless.

I know you need to have the window fixed that will not roll down, but it will be a major operation. It is just one of those things that happen when you get a little older. We all start to have a few aches and pains and things that don’t work exactly right. May I remind you that we could have had the window fixed, but we had to get a new tire instead?

I guess that’s about enough. You need to realize that you are getting older and quit trying to live life in the fast lane. Your premium gasoline has gone to your heads. I’m not sure how much longer I can afford to keep you around, especially if you continue to have these mechanical problems all the time.

I just wanted to put you on notice. You are not getting the custom wax job that you wanted. However, I did buff out those scratches on your rear-view mirrors that you got trying to squeeze into a garage that is too small for you.

Remember, you need to go to the car wash on a regular basis and clean the bugs off your windshield. That cheap air freshener that you had after your last visit to the car wash was a bit much, though.

So, that is about all I have to say to you right now. We’ve been through many close calls together. I might even get you an alignment the next time your oil is changed just to show there are no hard feelings.

But, please, take care of yourself and slow down a bit. Read the owner’s manual and take its advice. You can go many more miles before it is time to re-tire.

Sincerely,
The Owner

Posted in Automotive, Humor | Tagged alignment, automobiles, car problems, car wash, Life in fast lane, mechanical problems, oil and filter, transmission, turn signal | 7 Comments

The Case of the Missing Toenail

Posted on May 30, 2021 by Sheila Moss

When it comes to minor ailments, I’m always trying to figure out “Why me?” usually while applying Neosporin and a Band-Aid.

As soon as I bought those cute new sandals, Murphy’s Law kicked in. If you buy a new pair of sandals and spend an hour giving yourself a pedicure, you can pretty much count on something bad happening.

I put on my cute new sandals and wiggled my five little piggies only to notice to my horror that one of my piggies was turning purple. I tried soaking it in Epsom salt and warm water. I promised to return the sandals and wear only crocks if only the toe would return to being its own pink self.

But it soon became obvious that a podiatrist was in my future.

I checked the Yellow Pages before it occurred to me that the Yellow Pages might not be the best way to find a doctor. So I called the Physician’s Referral service of my insurance company and after spending an hour on hold and being transferred several times, they finally gave me the name of the same podiatrist that I had found in the Yellow Pages.

I called and made an appointment. Of course, I had already looked it up on Google and found that black toenails come from injuries to the base of the toenail and there is nothing you can do about it except go to a doctor or let it fall off.

By the time I filled out all the paper work at the doctor’s office and found out about all the horrible foot deformities that I did not have and had never heard of, I was feeling pretty healthy and was wondering what I was doing there. A large lady in tennis shoes sat across from me glaring as if she knew I was taking up the doctor’s time for something insignificant.

Before I could escape, however, the receptionist grabbed my insurance card, and the nurse whisked me into a back room where I was told to remove my shoes and sit on the chair that reminded me vaguely of a dentist chair. I looked behind me and saw no drills, so I must be in the right place.

I thought perhaps they planned to steal my shoes when I wasn’t looking so I couldn’t run out the back door. I kept an eye on my shoes and waited for them to soak my feet and trim my nails, like they do at the nail salon. But apparently they didn’t know about pedicures.

The doctor came in and glanced at my sick toe briefly then informed me, “The toenail needs to come off.”

Wait a minute. I need all my parts. I hadn’t planned on surgery. “Won’t it come off by itself?” I asked.

“That is not an option,” he huffed.”You don’t want it to get infected.”

He gave me a couple of shots in the toe to numb it. “This is the worst part,” he said. I knew the man had dentist genes. There is always a needle the size of a jack hammer lurking somewhere.

“It is loose already,” he said.

Yes, that is what the dentist said, I thought, right before I kicked a hole in the ceiling.

I don’t remember what happened after that. I couldn’t look and I don’t want to remember. When I came back to earth, my toenail was missing and the nurse was bandaging my toe and telling me that it would grow back and only be sore for a few days.

I wondered how I would get my shoes back on over my fat toe, but I was high motivated to get out of there before he decided to remove anything else. So I jamed the shoe on and hobbled out the door.

“Do you come back in two weeks?” asked the receptionist.

“No, he said he does not want to see me again unless I have a problem.”

That makes us even. I don’t want to see him again either.

Posted in Health, Humor | Tagged Black toenails, Foot, Health problems, Medical, Minor ailments, Physician, Podiatrist, Surgery, Toenail injury, Toes | 6 Comments

The Only Good Bug is a Dead Bug

Posted on May 25, 2021 by Sheila Moss

Spring is here. Flowers are blooming, leaves are sprouting, and grass is growing. Oh, the freshness of it all. I love it — except for one thing – bugs.

Insects are everywhere. I know some of them are harmless. Others are supposed to be useful, bees, for example, pollinate flowers. But what was God thinking when he created some of these tiny tormentors?

It seems you can’t really get rid of the bad bugs without also getting rid of the good ones. And the bad bugs are trying to ruin my life. Why, why is it that the bugs will not leave me alone?

I had a tick on me the other day — a TICK! What other woman gets bitten by a stupid tick? I don’t know where it came from, but it bit me on the bottom of my big toe, leaving a lump the size of a pea and an itch like a bee sting. I rushed to the Internet to see what horrible diseases I could come down with.

And there are disgusting tent caterpillars in my crabapple tree. If I don’t get rid of them, they will damage the tree. If the limb they are on is small, I just cut it off and throw away the entire mess. If they are on a big limb, the nest has to be opened and they crawl left and right trying to escape. The entire business is just too gross to talk about.

So far, these are my only two major bug assaults this year. But the season is young. I still have mosquitoes to look forward to. Mosquitoes love me, but the feeling is not mutual! They flock to me. While other people get one bite, I get dozens of itching burning lumps of fire.

And there are chiggers; did I mention chiggers? They are even worse than mosquitoes. These are tiny bugs that you can’t even see, but they live in the grass and jump onto your legs and feet and bite you. What possible reason is there for such a onery bug to exist?

I ask you, what is the purpose of a wasp? Bees I can somewhat understand, but wasps? They will build a nest somewhere they don’t belong before the end of summer. I’ve learned to respect their turf since one flew into a rage and stung me with no provocation at all. These evil tempered bugs should be on Prozac.

I no longer have a garden. What’s the use when the bugs eat it up before you can? Each insect seems to specialize in one particular plant, cut worms on tomatoes, potato beetles, corn caterpillars and cabbage moths. Where do they come from and how do they find out about your tiny plot of earth?

Flies, filthy flies. My trash cans are spotless and the lids are tight. I rake up the spoiled fruit under the apple tree. Still they come; they zoom around waiting for the door to open so they can buzz inside and aggravate me until I can chase them down with a swatter.

Termites tried to eat my house one year. They swarmed the living room like ants with wings. I nearly had a heart attack until I could call the exterminator to eradicate them. That little adventure cost me a small fortune and continues to cost every year as they return and try to whittle my home into a toothpick.

There are so many others: bagworms on the evergreens, spiders in the azaleas, crickets around the foundation, moths swarming the porch light, and fleas attacking the pets. They say insecticides are dangerous. I say nay, nay. Kill ’em before they multiply.

Why can’t insects be nice like butterflies, fireflies, and lady bugs? I might actually be able to enjoy spring for a change if only the bugs would quit bugging me.

Posted in Creatures, Humor | Tagged Bagworms, Bees, Bugs, Caterpillars, Chiggers, Critters, Flies, Insects, Mosquitoes, Ticks, Wasps | 5 Comments

The Covered Dish Luncheon

Posted on May 22, 2021 by Sheila Moss

Ever so often we had a covered-dish luncheon at the office to break the monotony of endless work. Sometimes they were themed, although usually not. One of the themed ones was the famous chili cook-off that I forgot about until the last minute. I bought canned chili at Walmart and warmed it in a crockpot after I got to work. No one knew it was not homemade. My canned chili won the cook-off, but figured I’d better not say anything. They still don’t know. Don’t tell anyone.

This time our theme was “Eat Healthy.” I couldn’t think of anything healthy to bring, which shows what kind of food I eat. Finally, I decided that pimento cheese sandwiches on wheat bread would work. I used to make them for a ladies luncheon using three pieces of bread and then cutting each sandwich into four triangular pieces. I probably should have stuck to chili.

I forgot how much trouble it is to make a bunch of sandwiches. I had to get up an hour early to spread cheese on bread while trying to keep my eyes open. An hour early is pretty early since I normally got up at 5 o’clock. Anyhow, I finally got all the stupid sandwiches made. Remind me to never sign up for sandwiches again.

You might know that it would be pouring down rain when I had a big tray of food to carry. Try and balance food and a heavy umbrella without dropping something or getting wet. I asked Morris to drop me off near the door so I didn’t have to walk the entire 10 miles from the garage. Actually, the garage is only across the street, but it might as well be 10 miles when you are carrying 20 pounds of stuff and trying to wade across a busy street in pouring rain.

I guess it could have been worse though. For instance, yesterday morning we were out of cat food and the cats were screaming, the gas tank was empty, and I was getting low tire pressure warnings because there was a nail in my tire. When I finally got to work — late because of having to buy gas — I realized I had forgotten the pass for the parking garage. So, I had to pay $10 to park.

As I said, it could have been worse. At least I didn’t have to bring food yesterday.

Of course, we had so much food at lunch that it didn’t matter whether I brought anything at all or not. Only about half the sandwiches were eaten. I was not about to haul the leftovers back home. I decided to leave them in the office fridge for Monday. By then people would be hungry again and there would not be so much other food to compete with.

I guess it was worth the hassle. We decorated the conference room with all the luau decorations that I had bought at the dollar store to use on the bulletin board. It was festive. We had some leis left over from something else and passed those out. As one girl said, the only thing missing was a Pina Colada. Well, no one did the hula either, but as old and fat as most of us are, that is probably a good thing.

The food was… well… healthy. I hope we don’t do healthy again. I think everyone was ready for another unhealthy luncheon. Next time I will volunteer to bring apple cider or something easy that doesn’t require getting up at 4 o’clock to fix. I was afraid to try the canned chili thing again. That was a one-time thing done in desperation.

There was only one problem with healthy food, besides the presence of vitamins and absence of flavor. It is like Chinese food. Ten minutes later and we were all hungry again.

Posted in Humor | 13 Comments

Gas Shortage in Southeast US

Posted on May 11, 2021 by Sheila Moss

Previously published 2008-2016. Here we go again, folks.

“An oil pipeline outage and fear of a gas shortage in Middle Tennessee,” media reported. Everyone was urged to maintain normal driving and fuel purchases to prevent unavailability.

PANIC!

Immediately phones started ringing, people started calling other people and posting about the shortage on social media. Everyone jumped in their car and sped to the gas station – just in case there might be a shortage.

PANIC!

Lines grew; other people saw the lines and figured something must be going on. So, they got in the line too. After all, if there was going to be a gas shortage, they wanted to be sure their tank was full.

PANIC!

People who didn’t actually need gas decided to top off their tanks. Rednecks cleaned out all the gas cans in their garages and filled them up with gas.

PANIC!

Sure enough, gas stations started running out of gas. What a surprise!

PANIC!

People who actually needed gas couldn’t get gas. Gas pumps were covered with plastic bags at station after station. You can tell which stations are sold out because they are the ones that don’t have a line.

PANIC!

People start calling gas stations looking for gas. Gas stations ordered gas, but couldn’t get it delivered fast enough. If a tanker was spotted on the highway, motorists followed it and flocked like flies to the station getting gas. Lines backed up on roadways and tempers flared as traffic was blocked.

PANIC!

More gas was used driving around looking for gas and sitting in line waiting for gas than for actually driving. When regular gas ran out, people went to premium, so it was quickly drained too.

People bought extra cans of gas and carried them around in the trunk of their cars. Gasoline is like dynamite that could go off in a confined area if vapors ignite. Catastrophe was riding around the city waiting to happen.

So far, no fireballs have been reported.

Entrepreneurs filled gas cans and sold gas at an inflated price to people who didn’t have any. For $5, extra they told them where they got it.

Price gouging at gas stations was widely reported, and a hotline set up to report it, but nothing was done about violators as far as anyone can tell.

AAA reported that the crisis would be over by next weekend. Why ask AAA? They give maps, directions and make reservations. They are a travel agency, not experts on economics or the marketplace.

They also are not experts on human behavior.

We were running on fumes before we found gas and then paid an inflated price per gallon. At first I thought the station was sold out since there was no line. When I saw the prices, however, I knew why they didn’t have a line.

Eventually stations will begin to get gas deliveries and lines will become shorter. Most everyone will have filled up already by then– not to mention the stockpiles of gasoline in rusty gas cans all over the city. This city could go off like the Fourth of July.

The media is trying to calm the panic by reporting that there is plenty of gasoline if people will not panic and run to gas stations like a bunch of lemmings just because every one else does.

Telling people not to panic is a sure way to create panic. Watch out! They could stampede for the gas pumps at any minute.

Posted in Automotive, Humor, News & Current Events | Tagged Don't panic, Fill up tank, Gas panic, Gas shortage, Just in case, Motorists, Oil shortage, Panic | 2 Comments

What’s Cooking?

Posted on May 11, 2021 by Sheila Moss

It seems every time I turn on the TV, someone is cooking something. I don’t really want any cooking lessons. Been there — done that — as the saying goes.

Some people lament that they can’t cook. I guess it would worry me if I couldn’t boil water without burning the pot, but since I do know how, it doesn’t matter. In case you care, the way to keep a pot from burning is to watch it. The old adage about a “watched pot” is absolutely true.

On TV the expert cooks are always burning things, leaving them raw, or not timing things right to be ready with the rest of the meal.

Timing is everything and one of the hardest things to learn. I’ve had my share of burned beans, lumpy gravy, and raw chicken. Somehow cooking food correctly pales in comparison to getting the mashed potatoes and gravy done at the same time.

If you are persistent in your efforts, sooner or later things will come together and you will learn to cook. Thank goodness when I was a young bride, my husband was willing to eat all my mistakes and not complain. I think he figured if you can’t do better, don’t criticize.

Now I prefer to cook dishes with only three ingredients, or packaged and frozen. Somehow when you know you can cook if you have to, it doesn’t seem as important.

I remember taking a home economics class in school at some point of life. We learned to make a basic white sauce, something like white gravy. The home ec teacher told us white sauce is basic and any good cook needed to know how to make it. Funny, I don’t remember ever having to a need to cook a white sauce since that class.

Microwave cooking was probably the downfall of real, stovetop food. Everything is instant. It can be done the old way with flour, salt, measuring cups and hours in preparation. But why??

Some people call themselves gourmet cooks and take great pride in cooking hard-to-succeed dishes. Somehow I always get the feeling that they seldom cook meals. They are not in for the long haul, meal after meal, day after day. Long-term cooking sucks the pleasure right out of you.

Some men like to cook. My honey lived single for a long time, but suddenly he has forgotten everything he ever knew and depends on me to cook. He claims he lived all those single years on hot dogs.

My recipe books have yellowed pages and are seldom used. If I really need a recipe for anything, I look it up on the internet. Some of my best recipes, and the only ones I use now, came from a microwave cooking class. I didn’t learn much about microwave cooking there.

Some of my friends tell me that if it doesn’t have the magic word “microwavable” on it, they don’t buy it. I’m not quite that bad but I do find myself turning to instant food more often. Women work outside the home now and don’t have hours to slave away fixing homemade food.

So, if you are hungry and want a good, homemade meal, come on over and see me. I’ll take you to Cracker Barrel. You can pay the tab.