I Don’t Do Mornings

morning

I’m not a morning person, never have been, never will be. I just don’t seem to be able to wake up in the morning. Here is the way a typical morning goes at my house:

Alarm clock sounds:

He: Woke up before alarm went off and is already in shower running water.

Me: “Groan”… Hit snooze alarm and turn over.

He: Continues to run water. It sounds like Niagara Falls in the bathroom.

Me: Alarm goes off; I hit snooze alarm again and put pillow over my head.

He: Runs electric razor and electric toothbrush. It sounds like a chain saw massacre in the bathroom.

Me: I give up and get out of bed.

He: Finishes with personal grooming and gets dressed.

Me: Drag myself to the bathroom, put head on bathroom counter and go back to sleep.

He: Goes to kitchen for coffee. Alarm that I forgot to turn off buzzes.

Me: Brush teeth, consider taking a shower.

He: Goes to computer to check email.

Me: Decide I really have to get wet if I want to take a shower. Try to get over it.

He: Does mysterious things with the faucets that cause my water to run hot and cold in the shower.

hairdryerMe: Look for anything to wear that doesn’t need to be ironed – anything.

He: Turns on television. It sounds like a rock music festival out there.

Me: It’s too early. Oh my head. I need coffee and aspirin.

He: Changes channel on TV and starts laughing. How can anyone laugh at this hour of morning?

Me: Crawl around on closet floor looking for two shoes that match.

He: “Your coffee is ready in the kitchen.”

coffeeMe: Open tuna cat food and feed screaming cat that sounds like a mountain lion in heat.

He: Watches more TV and waits for me to get ready.

Me: Look for hairbrush and fix hair.

He: “Are you ready to go?”

Me: “Go??? I have to put on makeup!” I don’t know why. No amount of makeup can help at six o’clock in the morning. It’s inhuman to be up so early.

He: “Hurry up! It’s time to leave!”

Me: “If you can’t wait for me to get ready, just go on!”

He: Gets his lunch out of fridge that he made the day before.

Me: Look in fridge and try to find something without mold to take for lunch.

He: Puts dogs outside.

Me: Can’t find purse.

He: “We have to leave or we will be late.”

Me: “Have you seen my purse?”

He: “It’s on the chair where you left it.”

Me: Drag lunch and purse to car.

He: Turns on radio to a too jolly-in-the-morning DJ.

Me: Drink coffee from car mug and try to keep eyes open.

He: Stomps on accelerator and screeches out of driveway towards Interstate.

Me: Mr. Caffeine kicks in at last and I begin to feel almost human.

It wouldn’t be so bad if only morning didn’t come so early and so often. I just don’t do mornings.

©2004

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About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
This entry was posted in Home, Humor, Work Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to I Don’t Do Mornings

  1. Love your post! I’m not s morning person either 😜

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sounds like roles are reversed in our household. I am such a morning person. I wake up before my alarm clock hoes off at 4:30 without fail. On the weekends I’m usually out of bed before 7. My husband, NOT a morning person.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. True story but in my case roles are reversed. I’m the morning person and he is the morning mess. I really don’t get it…how can you hate morning?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m not a morning person either. In fact, your recount of you in the mornings, is pretty much me too!! I barely utter a word in the mornings, until the caffeine kicks in. 👍👍👍👍

    Liked by 1 person

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