FACTS ABOUT FATHERS
By Sheila Moss
Humor Columnist Blog

* Never forget, if it wasn’t for your father, you wouldn’t be here.

* No matter how old you are, you are still a snotty-nose kid to your dad.

* Fathers don’t get paid for a job well done – unless you count satisfaction.

* When a father says “no,” he really means, “ask your mother.”

* What father says is law. But that’s because kids are not old enough to vote yet.

* Your father knows more about you than you think he does – but you can trust him not to tell.

* Fathers are perfect — problems are created by children

* If at first you don’t succeed, ask your father for a second chance.

* There may be several opinions, but dad’s is the only one that counts.

* When your father gets quiet, he is planning – if he is snoring, the plan worked.

* Always agree with your father. Then he cannot say “I told you so!”

* If you can’t remember when you hugged your dad, maybe he can’t either.

* Never tell father he is wrong, it will only irritate him.

* Never criticize your father’s driving unless you prefer walking.

* If you have your father’s complete approval, he is probably making a big mistake.

* You may fool mother but you can’t fool dad – he pulled the same stunts when he was a kid.

* You can’t keep anything from your father. If you can hide it, he can find it.

* Never argue with your dad. And if you do, never think you will win.

* There is no such thing as a father without radar – it’s standard equipment.

* There are always exceptions to dad’s rules, but he is the one that decides what they are.

* Experience is something your father will always have more of, and you cannot get enough of.

* Your father will forgive your mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you should repeat them.

* Fathers are the only judges that can convict without evidence.

* If you have outgrown your need for fatherly advice, be sure not to mention it to him.

* No matter what is broken, dad has a tool that can fix it or render it unfixable.

* If dad does not have an answer, he will pretend not hear the question.

* Father’s memory is always better than yours, especially when you borrow money.

* Father is the person that you can always call on – just be sure to call during halftime.

* Dad owns the remote control, but you are welcome to use the lawnmower.

* A father’s gratitude is priceless, but a big screen TV is not.

©2004 Sheila Moss