I have been to the mountain – Mt. Olympia, that is. I have seen the Olympics. And now I have a dream. My granddaughter can do that! She could be an Olympian. She is already almost potty trained, exactly the right age to start gymnastics training.

I talked to her mother just the other day. She is looking for a place to start her in ballet lessons. However, no one seems to want to take children under the age of four years old. What is the matter with these dancing schools? She needs to start developing her poise and grace early to help with her gymnastic routines.

We need to be searching for a gym and a good gymnastics trainer for her. Hopefully, we can find one nearby so my granddaughter and her family do not have to move too far away. Most Olympic athletes live at their training center so they can get in more practice time. Do you suppose she can take her pacifier and stuffed animals?

Until we can get her in a good gymnastics program, we will have to settle for a backyard swing set for her to start learning on. Her daddy has already promised to buy her one for her third birthday, a big one so she can get started in the right direction. After all, champion athletes must have the right equipment.

Athletes are getting younger and younger, you know. The younger they are, the better, according to what I’ve read. They are much more flexible at a young age, have a lower center of gravity, and can fly through the air more easily if they are small. Also, they are fearless, not having developed the common sense of a 16 year old.

The minimum age to be in the Olympics is 16, so in four more years, she will exactly the right age to complete. Of course, she will be actually be six – not sixteen.  But we will not worry about that small detail. We will just put a 1 in front of the 6 on her passport and the judges will look the other way. If anyone asks questions, we will say she is very small for her age.

What about the danger of stress injuries and the extreme intensity of training regimens for young children?  Don’t you know that no sacrifice is too great to bring glory to our country in the Olympic Games? We only need to be sure to use a child’s car seat for safety when traveling to the competitions.

We will need to be very careful what we put on the internet, of course, in case someone notices that she looks more like a kindergartner than a teenager. Other countries are jealous, you know, and always looking for ways to bring down a winner. Some hacker might start digging things up about how old she really is. (I plan to delete this column right after you read it.)

We need to work on the potty training a bit more and start teaching her to wear her hair in a very tight pony tail. We can always add lipstick and glitter to make her look more like a pre-adolescent and less like a toddler doing tricks on the playground. Yes, Olympic glory is just around the corner. Her face will be on a box of Wheaties before we know it.

There is just one tiny thing that concerns me. She doesn’t seem to understand why the Olympic medal looks just like one of those chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil. We may have to make her give up eating candy. It could really be embarrassing if she tried to eat her gold medal during the National Anthem.

©2008 Sheila Moss

What is your favorite Olympic sport?