Humor  Columnist Blog is proud to present an exclusive interview with one of the most famous personalities of our time and all time. We have managed to wrangle an interview with one of the truly great humanitarians and philanthropists. Please welcome, Mr. Santa Claus!

1. Santa, you set ambitious goals and work hard to achieve them, don’t you?

Yes, Santa has ambitious goals. Santa has to. How else will all the children get toys? I work 364 days a year. It isn’t easy being Santa.

2. Do you like situations that require thinking?

Santa loves a challenge. He likes to think of the perfect gift for every boy and girl in the world. He spends a lot of time thinking about what gifts to make and how to keep the toy manufactures from fouling up and creating more demand than Santa can fill.

3. What about the election Santa, how do you feel about the outcome?

Santa doesn’t get involved in politics. He likes to get along with everybody all over the world. Santa did get a few requests from politicians, but Santa does not deliver votes.

4. Do you spend much time with your friends?

Santa doesn’t get out much for bowling or for a beer with the elves. What would the kids think if the saw me downing a tall one? They think I only drink milk.

5. But you do you keep in close touch with friends and family, don’t you?

Santa receives tons and tons of mail. Just ask the U.S. Postal Service if you don’t believe me. Although Santa can’t always reply due to the volume, he reads every letter. The good folks of Santa Claus, Indiana have been a big help in replying to my mail. Feedback is very important in keeping up with consumer demand, you know

6. You must have lots of energy.

Energy? Santa must visit the entire world in just one night! Try going down that many chimneys and see how much energy you have left! Ms. Claus has been threatening to leave me for years, but a good soak in the hot tub and Santa is like new.

7. Do you like feeling that you are attractive to other people?

Santa doesn’t worry much about looks at his age, but he does like to have a clean red suit and polished boots. It’s important to keep a professional image.

8. What about attitude, do you try to keep a positive attitude?

Of course, Santa has a positive attitude. Why wouldn’t he? Are you trying to suggest there is something wrong with me? You women are worse than the elves, always whining about something. If they would quit the whining and just work, Santa could get a whole lot more done! Maybe even vacation in Martha’s Vineyard some time.

9. What about relationships with other people, are those important to you?

Who has time for a relationship with another person? I spend all my time with reindeer and elves!

10. We won’t get into that here, Santa, as time does not permit. But do you consider yourself a jealous person?

Santa is not jealous. Who is more loved that he is? Others may be jealous of him, but he doesn’t care. If they think they can outgive Santa, let ’em try! They don’t need to be writing asking for more stock options either cause Santa remembers when … er, sorry … forgot…I’m just sayin’!

11. Do you like the challenge of unpredictable situations?

That depends – not if it consists of getting involved with helicopters.

12. Does having consistency in life help you?

Yes, Santa follows a close schedule, you know, to coordinate everything for his big day. Public appearances in December, parades, office parties, as well as managing his toy workshop and coordinating orders and deliveries.

13. Does any of it bother you?

The parades are getting a bit hard. I like the excitement, but the cold is rough. I’d rather get cold watching a good football game. How ’bout them Packers?

14. Do you ever put up a front to keep others from knowing the real Santa Claus?

Santa has a beard, but that is not to hide who he really is. I mean, how many other guys have the guts to wear a red velvet suit and hat?

15. Then you consider yourself a kind person?

Of course, I’m kind! Santa treats his elves well, gives them jobs and careers in toy manufacturing. Where else can an elf find a full time job these days with paid leave on Christmas Day? I do have to keep an eye on the reindeer, however. They just hang out all year and when I ask them to work once a year, they act like it is a big favor. Stupid reindeer. I don’t know why I every started the sled and reindeer bit anyhow. A flying Corvette would be better.

16. Santa, you seem to have an opinion on everything!

Who me? Like I said, Santa just minds his own business. He is only answering these questions because you asked him.

17. Are you ever tense or worried, Santa?

Ho, ho, ho! Santa never worries. Ms. Claus worries about weather and me staying out so late and gallivanting around all over the world. But let her fuss! Who else would put up with put up with her cooking? No wonder Santa is so fat, trying to eat all those cookies she bakes. Woman has a compulsion!

18. Do you like being Santa Claus?

Yes, I command respect from just about everybody and most of the greats have come to me for something at one time another. I remember the time little Donny Trump asked for his first hotel. Santa said no, but his daddy let him have it anyhow.

19. How do feel about unpredictable people?

Children are the most unpredictable. They pull my beard, wet on my suit, and then ask for expensive computer toys their parents can’t afford.

20. Do you like new and unusual things?

Santa sorta likes these new-fangled computer toys. Santa uses a computer to keep up with his list better, and he is training the elves in computer programming. If they do well, Santa may go into consulting where the real money is. Even Santa has expenses and overhead, you know.

21. You must get a warm feeling from cooperating with others.

Santa gets a warm feeling from doing his own thing, which is delivering toys. He expects others to appreciate him and gets a warm feeling when they do. He also has a warm feeling for Ms. Claus but, being a gentleman, Santa won’t discuss that.

22. Do you have any competition?

Santa sorta has a corner on the gift giving market he has been in the business of giving away stuff for so long. Lotteries are getting in on the action a bit, but they will never compete with Santa.

23. Do you like to do things on the spur of the moment?

I did make a stop at Las Vegas once while making a delivery, but that was a long time ago. Santa just wanted to see what it would be like to get something for nothing. Didn’t win anything, Santa never gets anything but milk and cookies, but I did pick up a few ideas for new toys.

24. Is it important to you to have as much as your friends?

Santa doesn’t care about keeping up with the Jones. Santa just needs a few basics and a big screen TV and he is all set. What is success? Having more than other people or just learning to be happy with what you’ve got? That’s what I keep telling kids, but they don’t listen. They just want more and more stuff every year.

25. Overall, are you satisfied with yourself and your life?

Yes, Santa is satisfied. He makes kids happy and that gives one a certain amount of satisfaction. Santa does not measure success by possessions; he measures it in love. In terms of possessions, Santa is not very successful, a small cottage, low paid elves that work for food, a few reindeer that eat more than they bring in. In terms of possessions, Santa has little. In terms of love Santa comes out better

26. Do you ever buy things to make a good impression on others?

No… I give things away things to make a good impression on others. Guess you think there is something wrong with always giving, don’t you? Guess you think I have low self-esteem and try to buy love and friendship with gifts. Is that what you think?

27. Would you work 24 hours a day 7 days a week to get your job done?

I’ve already said that! What kind of stupid interview is this anyhow? You just want to make Santa look bad, don’t you? After all the dolls and bicycles Santa brought you too!

28. Santa, do you ever feel useless?

Useless? I’ll tell you what’s useless. This stupid interview is what’s useless. Santa has got to learn to say NO! And Santa is going to start right now! Santa will see you next year. Don’t bother to write!

Thanks for the interview, Santa. It was just what I wanted for Christmas. I still believe! I knew you’d come through!

That’s it folks, from the North Pole, the infamous Santa Claus.

Bye, Santa, bye! We believe! Merry Christmas everybody!

Copyright 2000 Sheila Moss