Father Time, before we begin I just have to ask you this. Do you hate it when your alarm clock goes off in the morning?
Oh, my dear, I do not have a clock or an alarm. Those were invented for mortals. I move through eternity at my own speed. When you snooze, you lose.
What is your greatest concern, Father Time?
At my age, I’ve seen more than I want to think about. I’ve seen the rise and fall of civilizations, the birth and death of great leaders. It’s been worse than reality TV. But such events are merely small wrinkles in the sands of time.
Well, that’s sort of scary. Are you saying that time never dies?
In a manner of speaking. People continue to waste time — some attempt to kill time. But regardless of how much it is abused, time goes on.
Do you have a hard time deciding what you will do with so much time on your hands?
No, I am pretty busy making sure that people have enough time to accomplish what needs to be done. I travel completely around the world every day. The way time flies, I should get frequent flyer miles.
Doesn’t it become repetitious, Father Time?
No, not at all, my dear, time never repeats itself, you know. Each passing day is gone forever and each new day is another episode, sort of like a soap opera.
Are you looking forward to the New Year then?
Yes, I am busy preparing the nursery for Baby New Year. The past will become history and we will welcome the birth of a New Year. I long ago gave up on thinking of baby names and just give them numbers now.
Do you ever plan to retire?
Oh, no, the baby New Year learns from the experience of the past. Some kids are smarter than others are. But a few have not been worth the time it took to potty train them.
Well, if we can move on… You present a striking figure, Father Time, in a long white robe with your flowing beard. Do you ever have time for romance?
I did have a bit of a thing with Mother Nature, but she wants her own way. I’ve been around too long to put up with a conniving female who wants to turn back time and change the natural environment. Silly woman is always having temper tantrums too. I keep telling the woman that time must go forward, not backwards.
What do you do for fun, Father Time?
Oh, I play a few little games from time to time. Mortals always say they have no time. If they would just manage it better, they would have all the time in the world. I get a kick from being sure that there is never quite enough time to do everything, though. Gives us guys an excuse for not getting chores finished before the football game comes on TV.
That reminds me, what time it is?
Good question. Every since the beginning of time people have attempted to figure that out. They have made sundials, invented pendulums, worn quartz watches, and now measure it in nanoseconds. It’s all the same to me — just one doggoned day after another.
Well, time is about up. We probably need to end this interview. Do you have any parting thoughts?
No, but if you think of a new way to save time, let me know. I could use a little time out myself, maybe take a wee vacation and get out of Greenwich for a while. But. . . I need to go now. Time never stands still. It’s going on midnight and I’ve got an appointment at Times Square.
Happy New Year, Father Time!
And there you have it, an interview with the legendary Father Time. I sure hope the new baby doesn’t arrive early. It would spoil his entire year.