Murphy’s Laws for Rednecks

cabinI apologize in advance if this reminds you of your relatives. It reminds me of mine also. I love our southern culture, but sometimes I just have to have a little fun with it.

If you have a double first name, you won’t be able to spell either one of them.

If you convince the sheriff that it’s poison oak instead of marijuana, it probably is.

If your latest home improvement project is designing and building a mailbox, it will look like a brick tombstone.

If your picture is hanging in the post office, it will be a perfect likeness.

If you eat with your fork in one hand, it’s because you gotta hold your cornbread in the other one.

If your front yard needs mowing, you’ll do it when you get around to fixing the lawn mower.

If you want clean your ears, you will buy a package of bobby pins.

If you say you are a songwriter, your true occupation is a truck driver or a construction worker.

If you see shotguns at a shindig, it’s a wedding, a family reunion or a combination of both.

If you don’t have any empty beer bottles for target practice, you know it’s your duty to empty some.

If want to be a NASCAR race driver, the cops will catch you practicing on the Interstate.

If you pledge allegiance to the flag, it might be the flag of the Confederacy.

If you have relatives in jail, they were either growing, cooking, or distilling.

If you need a way to get rid of cooties, you can do so by picking and grinning.

If you get slicked up and dressed up, it will be for a special occasion, like a monster truck race or a gun and knife show.

If you can’t do something today, you’re waiting for the first of the month when the check comes.

For every car you own with wheels on it, you are allowed to have 2-1/2 cars up on cinder blocks.

When you celebrate, it will be tomato planting time, catfish bitin’ weather, hog killing time, or openin’ of rabbit season.

If you get a tan, it will be on your neck, your arms, or your butt crack.

When you kiss a woman, you always remove your toothpick first.

If you own a car, you figure on spending most of your free time trying to get it running.

If hold your nose when singing, you can sound just like your favorite country music star.

If you need a cure for ailments, you will use whiskey, tobacco, kerosene, turpentine or Vicks’ salve.

Copyright 2002 Sheila Moss
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About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites. SUBSCRIBE to my weekly columns hot off the keyboard and not available on my blog: humorcolumnist-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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6 Responses to Murphy’s Laws for Rednecks

  1. energywriter says:

    Oh Yes!! I grew up in Ohio, otherwise known as Northern Kentucky. My biggest boo-boo still is remembering not to use my little finger nail to clean my ears in public.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I drove through a neighborhood house-hunting not long ago, and I saw four houses with cars on cinderblocks in the front yard. I didn’t know this was still a thing.

    However, one guy did remove the engine and filled the compartment with flowers. I’m guessing he had class, as well as an appreciation for beauty … but probably not too many teeth.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sheila Moss says:

    Ha, ha — I have not noticed any junk cars in my immediate neighborhood or any couches on the porch, but probably would not have to go too far to find some. I had to make my son sell his old junker for $100 to the junk man when it quit running.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So funny! Good job!!!

    Like

  5. geezer94 says:

    Yep … that’s about right …

    Like

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