It has really been hot this summer, so hot I’m beginning to wonder if this is Tennessee or if the Sahara Dessert is migrating westward. The heat waves on the sidewalks lately are big enough to surf on. I can’t even remember the last time a cold front moved through. Spring and summer showers seem to sizzle and only create steam.

When I woke up this morning, I had been dreaming of winter. It’s probably because I keep the air conditioner turned down so low that I’m surprised it isn’t demanding overtime pay. The electric company will soon be sending me hate mail for not conserving energy — on the other hand, they should be sending love letters considering the rates they charge nowadays.

“Don’t sweat it,” I think, when I go outside to get in my car. Easy to say, but who am I kidding? I can feel the little rivers of sweat trickling down my back and my clothes starting to stick to me before I can get the car started. This vehicle is hotter than a red Corvette. I really don’t want to pump gas today, but I may stop at the convenience store anyhow. I think they still sell those flavored, slushy, crushed ice drinks.

I should have brought some ice for my overheated forehead, but I doubt if the refrigerator would give up its ice cubes without a struggle on a day like this. Was it only last winter when I said how much I hated ice and snow? Now those are my favorite words, along with “cold, freezing, chilly and sub-zero.”

My thermometer is having hot flashes. Maybe I need a vacation in a cooler place. I’ve heard it’s winter now in Australia. But I’d have to wait until my travel agent comes back from her cruise to Alaska.

Maybe I can go to the supermarket and hang out around the frozen foods section, or go shopping at the mall where it is cool. The air will be so frigid at the malls, however, that the plants will be frozen. The hotter it is outside, the more mall management seems to try to compensate. No wonder people are sick all summer! But it might be worth getting a cold if I were only sure I’d have chills instead of fever.

My main goal in life these days is to stay cool without a crisis. Wonder if the old cliché “cold hands, warm heart” works in reverse? This is one time that taking a cold shower seems like a good suggestion.

Is that a camel caravan on the interstate, or only a heat delusion? I need a drink of cold water. From now on, I’ll carry an ice cooler for emergencies. Would some one call me a paramedic if I get heat exhaustion? Even the beach umbrellas are looking for shade when the weather is like this.

Everyone complains about the weather. Maybe I could join the kids and play in the eruptions of cool water at the fountains on the mall plaza. Why is it that kids get to have all the real fun while adults only get the fun of complaining?

I used to have big, important things to worry about back when the weather permitted. Now my major concern is simply that I’ll run out of frozen yogurt before the day is done.

Copyright 2002 Sheila Moss