I’m So Middle-aged That…

Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m getting old, so what? My eyes are fuzzy and my roots are gray, but I’ve managed to survive and life should be all downhill from here. Remember, it will happen to all of us sometime, so here’s what you have to look forward to:

I’m so old that…:
My idea of a gourmet meal is a broccoli casserole.

I’m so old that…:
I get news from a newspaper instead of TV.

I’m so old that…:
I’d rather sit it out than dance.

I’m so old that…:
I have more invested in root canals than in electronics.

I’m so old that…:
I’ve learned how to sleep with a snoring partner.

I’m so old that…:
My high school reunion is too depressing to attend.

I’m so old that…:
I eat bran cereal because it’s good for my system.

I’m so old that…:
I’d rather have a nap than an affair.

I’m so old that…:
My high heel shoes have turn into sneakers.

I’m so old that…:
My idea of a tummy tuck is getting into jeans.

I’m so old that…:
I always take a sweater along – just in case of a chill.

I’m so old that…:
My crow’s feet are not on a bird.

I’m so old that…:
I think bottled water is a waste of money.

I’m so old that…:
I wear knee-highs instead of panty hose.

I’m so old that…:
What I can’t sanitize I moisturize.

I’m so old that…:
I spend half my shopping time looking for a restroom.

I’m so old that…:
I’d rather wait ‘till the movie comes out on cable.

I’m so old that…:
I volunteer to be carded – even if it’s only coke.

I’m so old that…:
When the phone rings I hope it’s a telemarketer.

I’m so old that…:
I’d like to get a face lift, but everything else sags too.

I’m so old that…:
I have seamless bifocals to look like I don’t need bifocals.

I’m so old that…:
I save plastic bags and reuse them.

I’m so old that…:
Regular coffee is instant enough for me.

I’m so old that…:
I remember when TV had three channels.

I’m so old that…:
I remember history when it wasn’t on cable.

I’m so old that…:
I don’t want anything else if it has to be dusted.

I’m so old that…:
I’d rather not have it than go to the mall.

I’m so old that…:
I can’t reach my toenails to paint them red.

I’m so old that…:
My last fling was putting sprinkles on my ice cream.

Copyright 2004 Sheila Moss

About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
This entry was posted in Health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to I’m So Middle-aged That…

  1. Saloni says:

    This was hilarious! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. George says:

    Who would have thunk it fifty years ago..:)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ann says:

    I’m still laughing. Especially since a couple, just a couple mind you, describe me.
    Loved this.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. energywriter says:

    Hilarious. Several describe me.

    Liked by 1 person

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