Born Yesterday


I was born yesterday, fell off a turnip truck, and am not playing with a full deck. I don’t have a spam filter or know how to block an email address. I read all my email, especially the ones offering drugs, sex, and online poker. I believe every word I read. They couldn’t say it if it wasn’t true!

I use my real name on social media and register online with my actual date of birth. I shop online and don’t worry about insecure servers or someone stealing my credit card number. I don’t bother checking my credit card bill either. I just pay the minimum payment and don’t worry about it.

I read all the letters I receive online from people whose husbands were tragically killed, leaving them the sole heir to a large sum of money of which they will give me half — if I help them get it out of Nigeria. I’m sitting here just waiting for my share when they deposit the money in my checking account using my bank account number and PIN that I sent them.

I always fill in subscription forms and give my email address for online mailing lists. If I don’t like their newsletters, I can always unsubscribe. You never know, I might miss out on something I really like otherwise… like daily newsletters on bungee jumping, knitting doorknob covers, and cooking with garlic.

I can’t understand why PayPal thinks that someone else is attempting to use my account. But I clicked the link they sent, and gave them my correct ID and password to verify that it was really me, so that should take care of that problem. Funny how I seem to be getting the same notice from my bank and even from banks I’ve never heard of.

I order from any seller on the net that has something I like. I’m not really concerned about verified sellers. I can’t possibly check the history of every single one of them. I’m still trying to figure out how to return the size 14 shoes I received, but the company seems to have moved their website and my email always bounces.

I don’t worry about computer viruses and open all my attachments. I’m not really too worried about some unknown virus. I run virus protection and a pop-up blocker and clean the spyware off my system every once in a while if I happened to think about it. You must be mistaken. I’m sure it isn’t my computer that sent you that virus the other day.

Yes, I was born yesterday, fell off a turnip truck, and am a few cards short of a full deck. I am running on empty, out to lunch, and dancing out of step. I have bugs in my belfry, a loose wire, and forgot to punch the time clock. There’s a sucker born every minute, so I must have a lot of company out there, at least that’s the way it seems.

A thousand emails a month can’t be wrong. And if you believe a word of what I’ve said here, you must have been born yesterday as well. It’s tough work but somebody has to be stupid enough to believe this stuff and keep the spammers, scammers, spoofers, and phishers in business. Welcome to the club!

Copyright 2005 Sheila Moss

About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
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