Battle of the Lightbulbs


Instructions for adding additional lighting to your home:

  1. Decide that the dark space in your attic (or basement, or garage) could be better utilized with additional lighting.

  2. Go to local discount store and, buy an easy-to-install-just-plug-it-in, florescent workshop light and two florescent light tubes.

  3. Find pliers and put together the easy-to-assemble hanging apparatus for light fixture.

  4. Put band-aid on finger that didn’t know assembly was supposed to be easy.

  5. Install the two light tubes and twist 90 degrees according to package instructions.

  6. Plug in fixture. One light works and one doesn’t. Curses!

  7. Spend a minimum of one hour wiggling, switching, and turning light off and on.

  8. Decide fixture is defective – cheap, inferior merchandise. Unassemble fixture and return to original carton.

  9. Return fixture to store, get a refund, and purchase a deluxe, more expensive, less- likely-to-be-junk, model.

  10. Take it home and remove fixture from box. Do not assemble hanging apparatus until you are certain that it works this time.

  11. Re-install light tubes and find that one works and one doesn’t — again. Curses! — again. Find the wrapper in the trash and rewrap the best you can, freely utilizing transparent tape.

  12. Make a third trip to the stupid store to return the stupid lights. Who ever heard of a light bulb not working?

  13. Purchase a replacement set of lights and return home. This is beginning to get old. Install the second set of stupid lights in the stupid, deluxe fixture.

  14. One light works and one doesn’t. That figures! Spend a minimum of one hour wiggling, switching, plugging and unplugging the light. There must be a surplus of defective light bulbs on the market this week.

  15. Rewrap the lights in the wrapper that you cleverly saved this time. Return it to the store. Ignore appalled look of Customer Service clerk and ask for a refund.

  16. Purchase a third set of stupid, inferior, no-good, lights. Why can’t these stupid things be packaged separately instead of in stupid twin packs? That probably makes too much sense.

  17. Return home and install third set of new lights in the new deluxe fixture. Three is a charm, isn’t it?

  18. Yes, an unlucky charm. This time neither light works. Spend only 15 minutes wiggling, switching, plugging and unplugging light fixture – not that it does any good.

  19. Briefly obsess about how good it would feel to smash the stupid, idiotic, worthless, good-for-nothing, mess into smithereens. Unfortunately, the store will not return money on damaged merchandise.

  20. Rewrap third set of demon-possessed lights and put the cursed-by-hell light fixture in the box.

  21. Return to store for fifth time and drag the junk to the Customer Service counter. “Still doesn’t work, huh?” says clerk. Lucky for her that you want your money back or you’d smack her over the head with a defective light tube.

  22. Get money back and flee from the den of light-fixtures-made-in-hell before the store revises their return policy and refuses to return your money. Enough is enough.

  23. Go home and find a handy-dandy, heavy-duty, 10-year-old extension cord that you had out in the garage.

  24. Throw the extension cord over rafter in the attic and screw in a plain, old-fashioned light bulb.

  25. Voile! Let there be light! God is good!

Copyright 2007 Sheila Moss

About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
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