Murphy’s Laws for Looters


If you want to get something for nothing these days, live in New York.

If you don’t know what something is, take it anyhow and worry about what to do with it later.

The more you want a specific item, the greater the probability that someone will beat you to it.

The bigger the jewelry store, the smaller the inventory of what’s left.

If you can’t remember where you left your loot, someone else probably stole it from you.

That thing you ignored while stealing liquor might be a security camera.

If you need four tires for your car, you will only be able to steal three.

Never steal something heavier than you can carry.

If you think you have a lot of loot, you’ve not yet looked in the neighbor’s apartment.

If anyone tries to stop you, offer him or her half of the loot or a bottle of water.

If you steal a priceless statue, it will probably turn out to be a likeness of Trump.

The bigger the television screen, the harder it is to tie it to the roof of your car.

The better the office furniture, the more likely that your van is already full.

Somebody else always plunders the best stuff first.

Stealing a computer from an electronics store is only a good idea if you don’t drop it on your foot.

One looter is a criminal, several are a gang, and hundreds are a riot.

If there is nothing left to steal, maybe it is because you’ve already taken everything.

If you have trouble breaking a window, someone will be recording you on video.

If you can’t find any money in a grocery store, break into the bank.

If you don’t need it, take it anyhow and sell it on eBay.

There is a direct relationship between amount of loot and size of an duffle bag.

Opportunists are people who take advantage of a situation – so are thieves.

Never forget who is responsible for the chaos; that is something else to be frustrated about.

You can always find something better to steal, especially when you have a couple of bricks to throw.

The better a store is secured with plywood, the greater the likelihood that it will be plundered.

No matter how much you have loaded in your trunk, there is always room for a flat-screen TV set.

There are two sides to every story – the one told by TV reporters and the one told by those that watch TV.

If you stole everything but the kitchen sink, go back and get it.

You will never be able to steal as much as your buddy. Your buddy will never be able to steal as much as you.

The only thing more accurate than a looter’s aim with a rock is a policeman’s aim with tear gas.

The more valuable the jewelry is, the greater the probability that it will end up in a pawn shop.

No matter what you do, blame it on frustration with the pandemic and the world will understand.

Looters get away with it. We don’t know how – they just do.

The only emotion more powerful than greed and anger is fear of the National Guard.

If you can’t figure out what to do with your loot, return it and say you are sorry.

If you’ve already sold it, deny it and say you’re innocent, even if you were seen on television carrying it away.

Copyright 2003 Sheila Moss
Revised & Updated


About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
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2 Responses to Murphy’s Laws for Looters

  1. Lois says:

    You hit the nail on the head here, Sheila! Bravo! Great article!


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