I’ve not checked the mirror, (We are not on speaking terms.) but I’m beginning to suspect that I’m getting old:

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE OLDER THAN DIRT?

*You can’t figure out the remote control or the automatic coffeemaker.
*You get discounts by playing the age card or the AARP card.
*You can fall sound asleep while sitting up and wake yourself up snoring.
*You don’t go to places with stairs instead of elevators.
*You can’t read the small print and can’t find the magnifying glass.
*You don’t answer the phone because you are tired of hearing your friends complain.
*You feel a chill and need a sweater, even when it’s 80 degrees.
*You sometimes misplace things and think you have been robbed.
*You can’t get the child-proof tops off of medicine bottles.
*You used to like to cook but now you like to microwave or eat out.
*You favorite TV shows are all reruns.
*You gave up driving at night since the doctor says you have cataracts.
*Your Facebook picture is 20 years old because your new pictures “don’t look like you.”
*You don’t like to travel because it is too much trouble to pack.
*You hire someone to do chores because you don’t want to bother your kids.
*Your closet only has sensible shoes.
*If you sneeze, you have to change your underwear.
*You have professional pedicures because you can’t reach your toes.
*You wish people would stop walking so fast and running over you.
*If you go shopping, you spend half your time looking for the restroom.
*You wonder how they get away with charging $5 for a stupid greeting card.
*You can’t remember names, phone numbers, or where you left your false teeth.
*You know a half dozen alternative uses for a crochet hook.
*Your favorite scent is eucalyptus menthol rub.
*You don’t like electronics with an “i” in front of their name.
*You vote for anyone who says they will not cut social security or Medicare.
*You carry a folding walking cane in your bag – just in case.
*You go to senior citizen meetings, not for food or fellowship, but to play Bingo.
*When you leave Wal-Mart, you can’t remember where you parked the car.
*You still read the newspaper with your morning coffee.
*You have a cell phone for emergencies but can’t remember to charge it.
*You insist on talking to a real person on the phone instead of a recorded message.
*You don’t trust banks, insurance companies, loan companies or credit cards.
*You are trying to figure out how to keep a nursing home from getting you and your life savings.
*You are tired of people asking how you feel. How do they think you feel at your age?
*You would rather buy another one than go to the attic to look for something.
*You give away things so you don’t have to dust them anymore.
*You have aches and pains in places you can’t talk about.
*You think renewing your driver’s license online is the best idea since cordless phones.
*You think debit cards are great and electronic checks are even better.
*You carry out your own groceries at the store so people won’t think you are too old.
*You don’t eat hotdogs anymore because they give you indigestion.
*You sleep with a heating pad on whatever is hurting most that day.
*You don’t know who all these actors, actresses and singers are that are winning awards.
*You only eat out at restaurants that give a senior discount.
*You don’t like smart phones that are smarter than you are.
*You carry a flashlight, rain bonnet, and hand wipes because you can’t be too careful these days.
*You can’t remember if you took your pills but are afraid to take them again.
*You can’t find your glasses because you can’t see how to find them without them.

Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss