DOMESTIC DIVA: There is nothing like a homemade Thanksgiving meal to celebrate the holiday and show your family how much you care.

GRUMPY GRANNY: There is nothing like calling all your friends and relatives to try to wrangle an invitation for dinner so you don’t have to cook.

DOMESTIC DIVA: The most important thing, of course, is the turkey. I recommend buying a fresh one, more expensive but the difference is worth the extra cost.

GRUMPY GRANNY: If your good-for-nothing relatives insist on coming to your house, try to find a stupid frozen turkey on sale somewhere.

DOMESTIC DIVA: Everything for this special occasion should be homemade. Use your own dry bread crumbs and seasonings for stuffing. Prepared stuffing mix is way too spicy.

GRUMPY GRANNY: Who has dry bread crumbs? I made sandwiches out of the dry bread yesterday. Stove Top dressing is good enough for anybody.

DOMESTIC DIVA: Get up early on Thanksgiving Day and stuff the turkey. Use a cooking thermometer to be sure it comes out perfect. The smell of a stuffed turkey baking is wonderful.

GRUMPY GRANNY: Cooking thermometer? What’s that pop-up thing in the turkey for? My turkey is frozen as hard as a rock. How do you thaw out these stupid things anyhow? I’ll just stick it in the oven and pray. I can take out that stupid bag of giblets after it cooks.

DOMESTIC DIVA: While the turkey is roasting, prepare homemade side dishes. Peel fresh sweet potatoes, snap green beans, boil fresh potatoes for homemade mashed potatoes. There is no substitute for the delicious taste of fresh ingredients.

GRUMPY GRANNY: Hello….. Why did God create can openers? Open canned sweet potatoes and green beans. Use instant mashed potato flakes and packaged gravy. Why kill yourself?

DOMESTIC DIVA: Set the table with your best tablecloth, cloth napkins, china and silver. A special occasion deserves your finest and presentation is half the meal.

GRUMPY GRANNY: Have you lost your mind? Throw some paper plates on the table. You can usually find them on sale. If you don’t have any paper napkins, use paper towels.

DOMESTIC DIVA: Don’t forget to decorate with a beautiful seasonal centerpiece for your table, such as fall flowers or colorful gourds. Spice-scented candles add another festive touch.

GRUMPY GRANNY: Are you kidding? Don’t put anything on the table that they can’t eat….. period.

DOMESTIC DIVA: Appetizers are a nice touch for guests while they wait for the turkey to finish baking. A cheese ball and crackers or veggies and dip make an easy to prepare appetizer.

GRUMPY GRANNY: Why do they call them appetizers? They should call them “appetite killers.” Hide the snacks! No junk food before dinner! They will fill up on crackers and cheese and won’t be hungry after all the work I’ve done..

DOMESTIC DIVA: Serve the turkey with all the trimmings and enjoy the wonderful tradition you are creating. Be sure to give thanks for all your blessings!

GRUMPY GRANNY: Beg them to leave the football game on TV off long enough to eat. Give thanks if the right team is winning and they can spare 5 minutes to scarf down the food.

DOMESTIC DIVA: Don’t forget to save room for homemade pumpkin pie with whipped cream.

GRUMPY GRANNY: Homemade pie in your eye! You mean don’t forget to take the frozen pie out of the oven before it burns — not that anyone likes pumpkin pie anyhow.

DOMESTIC DIVA: Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

GRUMPY GRANNY: Happy Thanksgiving? The only thing I’m giving thanks for is leftovers and the microwave.

Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss