Fat as a Pig

Today I am venturing into a bit of self-depreciation, hoping I can shame myself into getting rid of those extra holiday pounds. I hope you cannot relate.

How do you know when you are fat as a pig?

If your jeans all shrink in the wash at the same time.

If you buy diet cola, diet dinners and jelly beans.

If seats at the movie are getting smaller or your behind is getting wider.

If you fall sound asleep while watching an exercise video.

If stair climbing is not on your list of interesting activities.

If your collection of diet recipe cookbooks needs dusting.

If you never stand in front of a mirror naked as it might crack.

If you are still trying to figure out where you got that extra chin.

If you happen to prefer elastic waistbands in your pants.

If you have tried every diet pill on the market and none of them work.

If you had to lie down and rest after watching an episode of Amazing Race.

If you think ice cream is good for you because it has milk and eggs.

If you have to pin your skirts shut because the button won’t reach anymore.

If going out to eat is your favorite form of recreation.

If your best pair of boots feel too tight on your legs.

If you’ve forgotten how to ride an exercise bike.

If the mere thought of exercise makes you sweat.

If you do most of your shopping from the Woman Within catalog.

If you wear queen size panty hose and pretend you are royalty.

If all of your clothes have a “W” after the size number.

If you buy baked potato chips because you think they are not fattening.

If your health insurance company sent you a personal pedometer for free.

If you don’t want to eat anything with “low”, “lo” or “lite” in the name.

If you wonder why you can’t find a bra that doesn’t cut you in half.

If you go to Weight Watchers meetings and eat out afterwards.

If you like to shop at Walmart because they have electric carts to ride.

If you have an exercise bike or a set of bar bells listed on Craigslist.

If you have the local Papa John’s on speed dial in case of emergency.

If you don’t trust diet pills, diet food, diet plans or candy bars.

If the mirror, the microwave, and the bathroom scales are conspiring against you.

If you have rolls of fat on your body in places you can’t talk about.

If you close your eyes while you are weighed in at the doctor’s office.

If you gain weight eating like you used to.

If Biggest Loser is your favorite TV program because they are bigger than you.

If you wear loose blouses and little jackets to hide your belly fat.

If you gave your “skinny” clothes to charity to make room for more “fat” clothes.

Copyright 2012 Sheila Moss

About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
This entry was posted in Health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Fat as a Pig

  1. Marlapaige says:

    One more:

    If you had to lie down and rest after moving all of your internal organs around to button your stretchy jeans.

    Liked by 2 people

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