Someone played what they thought was a hilarious joke and subscribed me to a free online dating service called ChristianMingle. I thought it was a law that email subscriptions must give you a link to unsubscribe. However, when I clicked the unsubscribe link, it took me to the website with no way to quit.

So, I thought maybe if I signed in I could unsubscribe. I had no password. so I had to use the reset password feature. I then signed in with a new password. It would not let me unsubscribe until I filled in a profile page. (You see where this is going, don’t you?)

This website is like the Hotel California. You can check in but you can’t check out.

I thought maybe if I filled out the worst possible profile, something like “I am uggggly, forget to show up for dates, and my hobby is acupuncture,” that no one would bother me. But I had trouble thinking of things that were bad enough, and I didn’t want to say anything that might sound true. After all, there are real people out there, trying to meet other real people.

I figured a bunch of humorists might be able to write a profile to help get me out of this, so I asked some of my funniest friends for suggestions to keep me from getting date offers from escaped cons, terrorists, or child molesters. This is the profile that I ended up with.

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SWF, earnestly seeking a life partner whose jagged edges are a close fit with my own. A pulse would be good, but it doesn’t have to be a strong one. It is ok if you do not have a job as it could impact my government subsidies. I am a good catch because with so many children, I qualify for every government subsidy there is. By the way, no one has to worry about my grown children coming to visit, even if they do get out of prison. They do not know my address.

ABOUT ME: I am so happy to have found a dating service that would take people without any restrictions. I have 2 years left on parole, but my parole office said it would be okay to date and besides, the murder charge was not for me really — I just carried the shovels and dug the holes.

I am a size XXL so I have room to stash my “purchases” from my “five-finger discount” shopping. I live in a lovely 12 room mansion in LA; unfortunately, it is in foreclosure. My hair dresser said my hair will grow back within a year, and the color chartreuse isn’t really so bad on a woman my size with my coloring. I tower over guys, even those who are 6 feet, but it’s only because I love wearing 5″ heels.

My favorite pastime is listening to bagpipes and saxophone music at the same time. (Doesn’t everybody?) I have four mastiffs that have the run of the house, but they become quiet when I play head-banging music at the loudest volume possible. I claim them as dependents and buy dog food with food stamps.

If interested in a woman that will always be a challenge, contact any one of a hundred agencies and ask for Bubbles. They all know me. Please call between the hours of 2 AM and 4 AM as that is my best time of the day.

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I continue to receive emails from ChristianMingle with offers for dates with men half my age, even before posting a profile. Now I’m worried. What would I do if they took me seriously and found a perfect match for my spoof profile?

Special thanks to Humor Writers
Don Stewart, Sharon Dillon,
JC Owen and Wanda Argsinger
for contributions to this column.

Copyright 2013 Sheila Moss