Here I am, standing out in the middle of a muddy cornfield trying to interview a scarecrow. Pumpkins are more popular at this time of the year, but, unfortunately, the Great Pumpkin was not available due to a previous commitment.

Thank you for agreeing to speak with me tonight, Mr. Scarecrow. People don’t really know a lot about scarecrows. Maybe you can enlighten us about what it is exactly that you do.

You work really hard at your occupation, keeping the corn crop safe from harmful crows so they don’t destroy it, don’t you?

No, not really, I just sort of hang around. The crows supposedly think I am an actual human, get scared, fly away and don’t eat up the corn before it can be harvested.

What do you mean “supposedly?”

Crows are not as dumb as people seem to think. They know the difference between clothes stuffed with straw and a real person. They fly around my head laughing, even land on my shoulders at times. You should see some of the corn roasts and bonfires out here at night.

Isn’t it your job to scare the crows? Why don’t you bust them?

I’m just a straw man. Do I look like a cop in this straw hat? I shoo them away; they come right back. It’s like a game with them.

Maybe you could use a shotgun! They wouldn’t laugh then!

Farmers always want to shoot them, but straw men have no brains. You can’t give a gun to someone without a brain, contrary to what some people seem to believe. Anyhow, I don’t believe in violence. Live and let live I say.

You sound pretty smart to me.

Thanks, I will take that as a compliment.

Do you ever get to spend any time outside the cornfield?

Believe it or not, I am an actor. I have had some excellent parts. Remember “The Wizard of Oz?” and “The Wiz?” The great Nathanial Hawthorn wrote about an ancestor being brought to life by a witch. I’ve worked for Disney, in comics with Batman, and am featured in many other books and films. You might say that I am outstanding in my field. Pardon the pun.

Do you try to keep a positive attitude? It must be hard working most of the time on a menial job that doesn’t utilize your potential.

It has its benefits. The crows are pesky, but kids love to visit me and run through my corn mazes. I love spending time entertaining the kids. I don’t mind the long hours and enjoy working outdoors in the fresh air.

So, actually you are a guy with a soft heart and a good nature?

Yes, I’m stuffed with straw, so I how can I be anything but soft? I may not be handsome, but there is nothing wrong with being comfortable in jeans and old plaid shirt. The straw hat I don’t really need, but it is sort of a trademark in the scarecrow profession.

Well, thanks again for your time, Mr. Scarecrow. I had no idea there was so much to know about scarecrows.

So. that’s it from the cornfield, folks.

Kerchoo! Kerchoo! Drat my hay fever is acting up — just an occupational hazard of my profession when interviewing a scarecrow.

Copyright 2014 Sheila Moss