Easy* Cheesecake

Have you ever looked at the price of a cheesecake in the grocery store? It is absolutely ridiculous. You can easily make your own. In spite of many previous attempts to cook and the disasters that ensued, this recipe is so easy that anyone (almost) can do it.

First, the list of ingredients: 16 ounces of cream cheese, 2 eggs, 1 cup of sugar, 1 tablespoon of vanilla, graham cracker crumbs for crust, whipping cream. (No, Cool Whip is not the same thing.) It is in the dairy section and comes in a container that says “whipping cream.” How hard can that be?

Now, here is how to do it:

1. Put the graham cracker crumbs in a medium baking dish and press down firmly to make a crust. You couldn’t find graham cracker crumbs at the grocery store? I can’t stand it! Fortunately for my sanity, there is a work around. Crumble up 18 graham crackers…. with a rolling pin. Do I have to tell you everything?

2. Melt one stick of margarine in the microwave. I know it was not on the list. Just get it out of the refrigerator and put it in the microwave. PUT IT ON A DISH! Boy that was close. What’s burning? Hurry and open the window before the smoke alarm goes off. You should melt butter on low, not high or it will burn. Throw it away and try again.

3. Mix the butter and crumbs and press into the baking dish. Okay, you finally did something right. All this trouble and we have not even started the cheesecake.

4. Now, mix the softened cream cheese with the sugar and eggs. How do you soften it? You should have left everything out of the refrigerator for a few hours. WATCH OUT! Cream cheese is wrapped in foil and you can’t microwave it. I hope you didn’t ruin the microwave.

5. Now mix everything together. The spatula got into the beater? How in the world did you do that? Do you know the meaning of being careful? You don’t need a mixer anyhow. Stir it with a spoon. Just trust me.

6. Add a tablespoon of vanilla. Well, maybe it will not hurt to use two, or three, or whatever. Pass me that bottle of vanilla. I need a nip of vanilla more than the cheesecake does.

7. Pour it into the pan with the graham crackers. NO! Don’t mix it up. Put it the oven at 350 degrees. You forgot to turn on the oven? Why am I not surprised? Set the timer for 22 minutes. While it bakes, you can clean up the kitchen. Be sure to wipe the splatters off the wall, and mop the floor. We can wash the dog later.

8. That bell is the timer. Turn off the oven and remove it. Use pot holders. Why didn’t I tell you before? I thought you knew something was hot after being in the oven. Just leave it in the oven and let it cool. No wonder experts cool it in the oven. Apparently, they don’t know about pot holders either.

9. Now all we have to do is wait for it to cool and put it in the refrigerator. You can make your own topping, but all things considered, I think we will use a can of cherry pie filling. Why couldn’t you wait until the cheesecake cooled? What a mess. Maybe we can cover it up with Cool Whip. I give up on the whipping cream.

Don’t try to cut it until it is cool. You did? Well, just use a spoon. What does it matter? Now I know why cheesecakes cost so much in the store, $10 for ingredients, $20 for the aggravation.

Copyright 2014 Sheila Moss

*For some people

About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
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