MEMO: To Whom It May Concern

FROM: Shadow, The Cat

SUBJECT: The Life of a Cat

It has come to my attention that I am being called several malicious names and subjected to false accusations. I hope to set the record straight.

Firstly, it has been alleged that I am overweight, in other words, a “fat cat”. This is totally untrue. I am oversize, but I wish to remind you that I am a Tomcat. As such, I am larger in size than smaller female counterparts. Furthermore, at my medical checkup, I passed the weigh-in. Yes, it was close, but as long as I keep my current weight, I am okay.

Secondly, I am accused of scratching the furniture. My human has covered up all possible scratching surfaces, and I am forced to scratch only my scratching posts. These posts are enjoyable, but a little variety would be helpful to resolve my scratching instinct. After all, I am a cat. What can you expect? I have discovered that the doormat makes a wonderful scratching pad, as long as my human does not know.

Third, there is the matter of the pesky dog. I do believe that silly mutt wants us to be friends. I do not need any dog friends. Hello. Dogs and cats are natural enemies. I believe I am being quite patient by not scratching his eyes out. Of course I hiss when he gets too close. I want to show him who is the boss. He must not think that he is the dominant animal around here.

Fourth, there is the ridiculous accusation that I am too affectionate. The human claims I wake her up by jumping and walking on her in the middle of the night. Five-thirty in the morning is not the middle of the night! If she would take nice little cat naps like me, she would not sleep all day. Also, she should appreciate my loving rubs and purrs. I could be hostile and hiss at her. She is lucky I am such a patient feline.

Fifth, there is the matter of my climbing on top of the refrigerator, kitchen cabinets, and table. I also climb on kitchen counters and anything else I can jump on. She must realize that cats are curious. We naturally want to explore our environment. I am not going to walk on the cooktop. I won’t get burned. She can stop using that as an excuse to harass me.

On other matters, the litter box provided is adequate for the time being. I am a factitious feline and well-mannered in matters of toileting. She can be grateful for that. I would prefer an extra litter box in the bathroom. I hope she will get on that demand before long. Enough said.

The cat food provided is dry and bland. Other cats at the shelter where I used to live said that wet cat food is really delicious. I have not had an opportunity to sample this wet food. I believe the human is deliberately withholding it. They want to keep me eating dry food. If I ever taste wet food and like it, she will be sorry. Cats are finicky and I shall never touch dry food again.

Toys: The human tried to get me to play with catnip mice and chase a laser light. These toys are not interesting and beneath my dignity. On the other hand, the feather toy on a string drives me out of my mind. I should ignore it, but I can’t resist. With my excellent hearing, I hear the tiny bells tinkle. I run from the back of the house and amuse the humans by chasing the silly feather toys.

I am an “inside only” cat. This is better than being locked in a cage all day at the shelter. All in all, I am happier at my new home than at the earlier one where I was unwanted. I am a handsome, long-haired black cat, friendly and loving. Who would not want a cat like me?

I was told there were mice here to catch, but I’ve not seen any mice. I have a feeling they all jumped ship when they realized a cat was around. Good riddance.

I will continue breaking in my new humans and hope they can be trained soon to understand cats.

So, that’s a wrap.

(P.S. You don’t need to mention this memo to my human. She doesn’t like it when I walk on the computer keyboard.)

Copyright 2025 Sheila Moss