Humor Columnist Blog

Don’t Take Any Wooden Nickels

Posted on June 27, 2025 by Sheila Moss

The internet is full of warnings for seniors on how to avoid scams. Old people are supposed to be easy marks. We all have dementia and are not intelligent enough to recognize a scam when we see one. It is downright insulting.

However, scammers are clever and have ingenious ways to trick you out of money. I am beginning to think the warnings are not as ridiculous as I thought. I must confess I have recently been scammed.

I know about emails that are SPAM and try to trick you into some obvious scam either too good to be true: “Take this vitamin and cure your arthritis.” or use fear to suck you in: “Pay this fine for your parking ticket now or your driver’s license will be suspended.”

Anyhow, you’ve seen them too and know the kind of stuff that comes via text or email. So how is it that I got taken again? I saw this clever little ad online. “Take this IQ test and see if you are getting dementia.” It might be interesting to know my IQ, I thought, and I clicked.

The test seemed legitimate, mostly spatial recognition like a standardized test in high school. I sailed through the test having the time of my life. It was so much fun, and I was certain my IQ was at least 150. “I am going to send this link to my Honey,” I thought. He is smarter than me and likes this sort of stuff.

Of course, when I got to the end, there was a small fee, only $1.00 to get your score. I bit. It’s only a dollar and I had put so much energy into taking the test. As soon as I paid my dollar, I received a message thanking me for subscribing and telling me that I would be charged $9.99 per week for access until I unsubscribed. Woah! What? I tried to unsubscribe, but all the links were to 404 error messages. Great, now what?

My only salvation was that I used PayPal to pay. At least I was smart enough not to give them my new credit card number. (My old number was compromised, but that’s another story.) I went to PayPal and was able to get contact information. I emailed them unsubscribing in no uncertain terms. I immediately received a reply, obviously an auto response. I hope I am rid of them but will have to watch my account now to be sure they don’t try to keep billing me. By the way, my IQ turned out to be average 116. I’m not sure. If it was average, how did I get taken by their scam?

The really bad thing was that I had just been taken a few weeks prior while trying to renew my driver’s license online. I Googled and got the link, “Renew your Tennessee driver’s license.” After clicking and going through the renewal process, I received a form to fill out to take to the Department of Motor Vehicles. Going to the DMV was what I was trying to avoid. That little escapade cost me $35, and my credit card number was stolen. Apparently, they had no connection to the State of Tennessee at all and were simply selling forms and lies. I later found the right link, but it was too late, and I had to pay the DMV again to renew.

I thought I had learned a lesson after that, but apparently not as I was scammed again with the IQ test, as previously mentioned. My daddy used to always have a favorite saying, “Don’t take any wooden nickels.” That was some sound advice; however, if you happen to need any wooden nickels, I have a pocketful to share with you.

Posted in Finance, Humor | Tagged fake, hoax, phishing, Scam, spam, spoof | 5 Comments

Ed the Zebra’s Wild Adventure

Posted on June 9, 2025 by Sheila Moss

Zebras are not simply horses with stripes as our local community found out last week. Ed the Zebra jumped a fence and escaped from his owner’s Tennessee farm only one day after arriving. Ed’s owner had intended him to be a pet. People own exotic animals for a variety of reasons: The novelty and prestige of ownership, business opportunities, such as breeding or tourism, or simply for companionship and a unique hobby.

Obviously, such animals require specialized care and consideration. Zebras are equines, like horses and donkeys, but are native to Africa. They live in grasslands and are capable of running long distances at high speed — not easy to capture when loose. Cute as they may appear with their handsome black and white stripes, zebras are wild animals. They can bite, kick, and be very dangerous if approached.

After his escape from the farm, Ed the Zebra went on a wild escapade, being spotted running the streets of a subdivision and even galloping down the interstate highway. Local authorities asked for the public’s help in reporting any sightings of the animal.

The public nicknamed him Ed and became fascinated with the creature and his various adventures, so fascinated that he became a social media phenomime. After all, how many zebras do you see trotting down a city street or munching grass in a neighborhood lawn.

Local media picked up the story and soon even national media found the story newsworthy. It wasn’t long before the famous zebra became even more famous as sightings were posted on social media. Not to pass up an opportunity to get a little free publicity, Ed began to be reported in some very suspect places, such as the local Waffle House, a car repair shop, or a donut store. The Internet loves a funny joke and thus memes of Ed in all manner of impossible scenarios appeared.

Well, apparently the zebra was very good at avoiding capture and disappeared into the wooded areas of suburbia. He managed to avoid the sheriff’s posse for over a week until, as luck would have it, he was spotted in a outlaying meadow. Run as he might, he was unable to hide fast enough to escape the cameras of the drones.

Professional livestock herders from Texas netted the equine and air-lifted him by helicopter to captivity. While it was sad to see the clever animal nabbed by law enforcement and brought to justice, it was a relief that he was unharmed in his wild adventures, real and imagined.

His owners were happy to have him home and changed his former name to Ed, since that was what he was popularly known by. He is resting up on the farm, and, hopefully, has a new pen with a higher fence. The community never imagined that we would have a zebra loose in town. He brought a bit of humor and adventure to break the monotony of an ordinary week.

Posted in Creatures, News & Current Events | Tagged animals, Ed the Zebra, zebra | 7 Comments

Mouse in the House

Posted on June 1, 2025 by Sheila Moss

It was 3:00 in the morning when strange sounds woke me up. It sounded as if something was scratching the bottom of my bed. “That dumb dog is under the bed,” I thought. “Get! Get out of here,” I mumbled.

The noises stopped momentarily, then continued. Now it was louder and sounded as if something was chewing wood. I felt something like a lump in the mattress that moved from one part of the bed to another.

“That dog is under the bed and stuck!” I realized I was going to have to get up. How is a person supposed to get any sleep around here? I was trying to figure out how to get him out when I had a horrible thought. Maybe I need to be sure it is the dog. I tiptoed out and checked his bed. There he was sound asleep.

“Wait! If the dog is asleep, then what is under my bed?” A poltergeist? A wild animal of some sort? But how could a squirrel get inside? A ghost, a rat, a mouse? My mind went wild. Remember it is 3:00 in the morning and I am half asleep.

“I’m not sleeping in a room that is haunted,” I thought. So, I went into another bedroom and crawled into the bed where I could sleep in peace.

The next day I told Honey “There is something under my bed, a critter, I think.” Now that I was awake and thinking more clearly, I realized it must be a mouse. I have had mice before, but in the garage, not the bedroom. Why the bedroom instead of the kitchen?

I had my son pull out everything under the bed: two games, and a folded card table, nothing that would interest a varmint. “Mom, there is nothing else under here but dust.” “Are you sure you didn’t imagine it?”

“No, I didn’t imagine it!” It must be afraid to go in there. “How do you get rid of a mouse?”

“Set a mouse trap is the only way I know,” offered my son.

I looked it up online. Use essential oils or cat urine. (Mice don’t like peppermint. I don’t like cat urine.) Use traps. (Mice are sneaky and avoid traps.), Block their entrance with steel wool. (I don’t know how they got in.) Remove the food source. (It is eating my bed.) Mice don’t like light.

So, my son set a mousetrap and I put a light under the bed. I wanted the men to take the mattress off the bed, but they declined. Honey’s hand hurts and my son has a bad shoulder. I think they were afraid of the mouse too.

We never had this problem when we had cats. “Do you know where we can get a cat?” asked Honey.

“Are you kidding me? The shelters are full of cats. Everyone is on social media wanting to rehome a cat.”

There was a reason I didn’t get another cat when mine passed away. Cats are trouble: food to buy, litter boxes to clean, scratched up furniture, cat hair everywhere, vet bills and then they die and break your heart.

“I think it might be easier to have a mouse than a cat.”

All I can think of now is buying a new mattress. They will deliver it and take away the old one.

“Here’s someone on social media giving away a California King mattress,” said Honey.

“No thanks!” I have one to give away myself… no extra charge for the mouse.

Posted in Creatures, Home | Tagged Mice, Mouse, Nature, pest-control, Pests, Rodents | 5 Comments

Going Bananas

Posted on May 23, 2025 by Sheila Moss

Occasionally I get a hankering for bananas. So, when honey was going to the grocery store the other day, I had them on the list. The trouble with letting honey buy bananas is he always overbuys. Regardless of the number of bananas I ask for, he somehow thinks that he cannot break a bunch in half and will buy the entire bunch.

This time, as usual, he came home with enough bananas to last for a month.

The trouble with bananas is they don’t last a month. They are highly perishable and seldom last even a week. There are tricks that supposedly make them last longer, like wrapping the ends in aluminum foil. It doesn’t help much. You can only eat so many bananas, so I always end up feeding the surplus to the garbage can.

It was no surprise when after several days I ended up with bananas with brown spots on the verge of going bad. Sigh. But wait! I can make a banana pudding, I thought. I think I have everything I need, probably left over from the last time honey bought bananas. So, I got out a casserole dish and proceeded to assemble the ingredients.

I used to be a purist and make my own pudding from scratch with real meringue for the top. However, that became too much trouble, and I became lazy. Now I think Jello Instant Pudding and Cool Whip work just fine.

I peeled and sliced bananas, layered them with Nabisco Vanilla Wafers, poured on the pudding and topped it with Cool Whip. It was beautiful. I would put it in the refrigerator and when I needed a dessert, it would be ready.

With the combination of ingredients and the ceramic casserole dish, it was a bit heavy, but I could manage. The refrigerator was full, and the only empty spot was on the bottom shelf. As I bent over to put it inside, something slipped. “Oh, no!” I tried to catch it and as I did, I lost my balance. The next thing I knew, I was laying on the kitchen floor and banana pudding was everywhere.

I had fallen backwards and hit my head on the cabinet as I went down. I laid there for a while to make sure I was still alive. I felt my head to see if there was any blood. There wasn’t. I didn’t feel as if anything was broken this time. The older I get, the harder it seems to be to stay on my feet. I have been being super careful, but not careful enough apparently.

About that time, honey walked in. “You fell? he asked as if it was not apparent. “Are you hurt?”

“Help me up!”

He got me up and even cleaned up the sticky mess made by the flight of the ill-fated banana pudding. “There is some left,” he said, peering in the bottom of dish where a small amount survived only because the dish did not fall upside down. He didn’t even tell me I should be more careful. I think he was only happy he didn’t have to call 911. So was I.

So that’s the story of how I fell for banana pudding. Right now, I don’t care if I ever see another banana pudding.

From now on I am going to be careful and try not to fall. I am, really, I am.

Posted in Humor | Tagged banana pudding, bananas, Cooking disasters | 3 Comments

Welcome Home

Posted on January 17, 2024 by Sheila Moss

At first our new dog was a bit skittish. Having a home and being around people was all new to him. He had lived his life in a kennel, and was not accustomed to life as a pet. He was a breeder and had sired several litters already. Part of the deal when we adopted was that he could not be bred and had to be neutered. We were good with that as we didn’t need a little Romeo running around trying to hump things that didn’t need humping.

The next order of business was house breaking. He made a few mistakes at first, lifting his tiny leg to mark his territory, but he was amazingly quick to learn about going outside. Honey walks him several times a day and he anoints mailbox posts, telephone poles, and cable TV boxes. We tried to crate train him as that is supposed to be the easiest way to housebreak. But he was not having being locked in a cage. So we returned the cage to the pet store and he sleeps happily in bed with his humans.

He is the sweetest dog ever, even cuter than his pictures, and very smart. He has learned to walk on a leash outside and does not whine or yap constantly like some small dogs. We didn’t hear him bark for a long time, but when he did, it was a hugh bark for such a small dog. He warmed up to us quickly, kissing us profusely when he realized he was loved and had a forever home. Although he is small, he has a hugh personality and is such a good boy we can’t believe it.

His birth name was Blaze, but I didn’t like that as it sounds like a horse. After days of pondering every name we could think of, we finally settled on Simba. Names like Peanut make him seem too small. Cooper was a close second choice. Honey liked Pluto; I liked Rocky. We settled on Simba as the ShihTzu breed is called lion-hearted. They belonged to Budist Monks historically and were bred to be pets, not working dogs.

Simba had his first checkup with the vet and has an appointment to be neutered and chipped. He has started obedience training and quickly learned to sit on command. His favorite thing, other than peanut butter treats, is following Honey around the house or napping on his lap. Dogs are pack animals and we are his pack.

He does not replace the pet that we lost. You never really get over such a loss. But he has returned a part of life that was missing. The empty hole in our hearts is now full. He has brought joy back to our home.

Posted in Creatures, Humor | Tagged animals, dog, Dog Breeds, dogs, Pets, Shihtzu | 12 Comments

The Empty Home

Posted on January 8, 2024 by Sheila Moss

“I’ve never been without a pet,” he said. Honey was so depressed. He had secretly emailed the breeder where we bought Dixie to see if she was still in business. She was and had a new litter due this month. We could have the pick of the litter and in 8 short weeks our new pup would be ready to bring home.

In spite of my reservations, I finally caved and said okay. He could get another dog.

We considered getting a shelter dog. There are so many dogs out there needing homes. But you don’t know the background of a rescue dog. It could be from a puppy mill, sickly, a product of over-breeding, a problem dog that was homeless for a reason. Getting a dog from a reputable breeder greatly improves the chances of having a healthy dog that will live a full life.

Then we received an email from the breeder that was sent to all her clients. She had a male dog that she wanted to rehome. She had too many male breeder dogs and needed to downsize. She attached a picture. “Oh, my gosh! He is so cute!” He was brown, unlike most ShihTzus. “Why don’t we take him?”

He was only 2 years old and very small for a ShihTzu at only 5 pounds. This made him less desirable as a breeder for standard ShihTzus. But we did not want a dog to breed. Maybe this could be a compromise between a shelter dog and purchasing a pure-bred dog. He was being re-homed to avoid going to a shelter. Honey contacted the breeder to see if the dog was still available. He was. He had all his shots, was bathed and groomed and ready to be adopted.

By now it was decided. Making the decision to add a dog to our family was the hard part. It had been over a year since we lost our Dixie. I guess I knew we would get another dog sooner or later as I had laundered and saved beds and toys. In spite of knowing that a dog does not live as long as a human and is going to die and break your heart, people get pets anyhow because of the joy they will bring until then.

Our home was empty. It needed a dog and a dog needed us.

Posted in Creatures, Humor | Tagged Adoption, animals, dog, dogs, Pets, pup, Shihtzu | 6 Comments

I Don’t Want a Dog!

Posted on January 2, 2024 by Sheila Moss

“I don’t want a dog,” I told Honey. Our dog has died after a difficult episode of seizures. She was 14 years old, living with us since she was 8 weeks old. It broke my heart when she passed. Those big ShihTzu eyes looked at me in pain, begging for help, but there was nothing we could do except relieve her suffering by having her put down. I cried for weeks.

Dixie was the best little dog ever – so cute, so smart. She knew all the basic obedience commands, but also did other tricks, like “Sit Pretty” where she sat up on her hind legs, “High Five” where she stood up on her hind legs and gave you five with her front legs. She could even “Roll Over”

She was a part of our family, slept in our bed at night. She loved to go for walks in the neighborhood and charmed the neighbors. She had her own car dog seat in the car and looked forward to going along wherever we went. She like to eat out so we went to restaurants that had dog-friendly patios. Her favorite was “Five Guys” as they put two patties on the burgers, one for the human and one for her. She liked vacations, especially State Parks with hiking trails and new smells to explore. She liked the beach and barked at the waves. She played with our two cats and they took naps together. She did not have a canine job like guarding or herding. Her breed’s only job is to be a loyal pet, and she did it very well.

Honey, continues to agitate. He wants another dog. “No more pets!” I plead. Can’t we just live a peaceful pet-free life? We pet and play with other people’s dogs. Pets are trouble. You have to board them or find someone to take care of them if you want to go on a vacation. They make messes that have to be cleaned up; they shed and leave fur on clothes and furniture. ShihTzus have hair instead of fur and have to go to the groomer. There are trips to the vet for shots and checkups. And if they get sick, which they all do sooner or later, the bills are a small fortune.

I can’t go through another painful loss. It is too hard. Her toys have been put away. Her dog-bed laundered, her dishes are gone. When we go somewhere, the dog seat is empty. At night we do not have to worry about her taking most of the bed. If we eat out, we no longer eat outside on the patio. There is a gapping hole in our life where Dixie used to be. Dogs do not live as long as humans. This is how it always ends.

Her creamations are in a wooden box on Honey’s desk. Her paw print and picture sit nearby. I made a donation to ASPCA to honor her memory. She was loved deeply and the grief is deep and painful to fill the place where the love once was.

There will never be another dog like Dixie.

Posted in Creatures, Humor | Tagged animals, dogs, Grief, Pets | 19 Comments

Prime Aggravation

Posted on November 16, 2023 by Sheila Moss

Amazon, world’s largest online retailer, has this thing called Prime, which is some sort of video club like Netflix. I’m not sure exactly what it is as I’m not really interested in paying to shop.

That being said, why is that this week I became a Prime member?

When you buy from Amazon, this Prime membership thing jumps out in front of you. It turns cartwheels across your computer and twerks in your face attempting to seduce you with promises of good things to come. The hook is Free Shipping. Sign up for Prime and get FREE shipping on your orders and a FREE Prime membership for a month.

However, they also offering free shipping for orders over $35. That is more my type of incentive.

All I really wanted was a pair of leather gloves before another polar vortex comes along. Unfortunately, when trying to check out, I must have clicked the wrong button to claim my free shipping. Before I knew what happened, I was rushing into Prime membership like a sled in the luge.

How can I quit this free club before they zap my credit card for a membership fee? “There is a problem with your membership,” said Amazon. At least we agree on something. “Your default payment method is not valid.” Yes, I know. I cancelled that credit card. “If you don’t change your default payment method within 30 days we will cancel your Prime membership,” it threatened.

“Oh, goody! Cancel it! I didn’t want it in the first place.”

So, I forgot about it and went on my merry way until my gloves arrived. When I opened the package, however, there was a problem. Who would think I could mess up ordering gloves, but one of the thumbs had a big hole in the seam. Drat, they would have to be returned.

I signed in to Amazon to find out how to return them only to find myself in the customer doghouse. I could not access services, specifically the return merchandise function. In raging frustration, I found the customer service link. I was going to give them a piece of my mind. “Send me an inferior item and then lock me out so I can’t return it?” But I couldn’t get either the phone or chat buttons to work.

After stewing a while and shooting off an angry email, I began to wonder if my locked out status had anything to do with the rock on my account over the Prime membership thing. Much as I hated to, I changed my default credit card number. Instantly my email dinged and I found myself a Prime member in good standing.

“Great, now how do I un-join?”

Like the road to hell, the road to Prime is wide and easy while the road to resignation is a steep and narrow path. I thought I would never find the tiny link, but after getting out my magnifying glass and praying for forgiveness, I finally found the tiny “do not continue” link, and escaped the evil clutches of Prime.

I still was locked out, though. It finally dawned on me, “They have put a cookie on my computer.” So, I cleared my computer’s cookies. Sure enough, I was able to sign in and proceed through the return process just like a normal customer, except for my clenched teeth and popping veins.

“We can’t exchange the item, but we can refund your money.” Swell, that is even better. With my luck, they will probably try to refund my money to the canceled card and shut down my account again.

I think I will just go to the mall and buy a pair of gloves. It seems a whole lot simpler.

Posted in Humor, Shopping, Technology | Tagged Amazon, Cancellation, Customer Service, Free shipping, Refund, Resigning from Prime, Returns online | 3 Comments

A Woman’s Work

Posted on November 10, 2023 by Sheila Moss

When I retired from my job, I became a virtual whirlwind of activity. I don’t know why I was in a hurry. After all, as Honey kept reminding me, ”You can do it tomorrow.” I think in my many years of hurry and stress it became a habit and carried over to my home life. I didn’t know how to slow down.

I started in the kitchen by pulling everything out of the cabinets. Stuff surfaced that I thought I had thrown away years ago. “Oh my, gosh, I didn’t know I still had that deviled egg dish and that old food grinder from the dark ages.” Well, I didn’t need them now, so I might as well get rid of them — except everything was too good to throw away, which is probably what I thought years ago when it was pushed to the back of the shelf never to see the light of day again.

Maybe I could have a garage sale. By the time I finished cleaning the kitchen and front hall closet, I had filled four large plastic bins with stuff. That was not to even mention the things that no one would buy, not even at a garage sale: rusty pans, decorative tins that popcorn came in on some holiday in the distant past, barbeque tools that have never been used.

If I didn’t use it and it didn’t have some great sentimental value to me, it was gone. I closed my eyes and put white elephants in the plastic garage sale bins. I did pretty well. I only took out one cute picture with the days of the week on it and returned it to the closet. One of these days, I’ll use it. I know I will.

I actually went through the medicine cabinets and threw away all the medicine that had expired. I can’t believe I’ve had some of it as long as I have. But Honey’s stuff is impossible. I never know if he is saving empty bottles because he plans to get a refill or because he likes to save empty bottles.

He promised to help me get the house organized. So far, he had not thrown away as much as a sheet of paper. This was putting a monkey wrench into my plan. I really hate not being able to find things. If I want the scissors or a screwdriver, I want to be able to go get it without having to buy a new one because it is easier.

“What are you going to do when you get done cleaning, mom?” asked my son.

“I will clean the garage, and after that the attic.” How’s that for ambition? Actually, it was too hot. I would have to wait until fall when the weather is cooler and the attic is not an oven. I may be a tornado of cleanliness, but I was not crazy.

When it was the garage’s turn for a facelift, it spilled over to yard work. I had let the grass and weeks take over. I used to try to keep things neat, but I had done nothing that summer at all except have the grass mowed. It was easy to say, “I will do it when I retire.” Except now, I had retired, so what’s my excuse? Three days were spent weed pulling, trimming, and spraying. It looked great… at least until it all grew back.

While I was busy organizing unseen places, I failed to keep up with the regular cleaning. The entire house needed a good cleaning: windows, baseboards, ceiling fans. I might get to it next week as almost everything except the attic was done now.

I think I need to go back to work so I can get some rest.

Posted in Home, Humor | Tagged cleaning, home organizing, housework, retirement, White Elephants | 2 Comments

Saving the Plants

Posted on November 1, 2023 by Sheila Moss

Oh, no! Frost warning for tonight says the weather report on my computer. It’s time to drag all the plants in containers inside. I don’t want to them to freeze outside.

(Plant thinks: I’m not ready either. Guess my vacation is over.)

I was especially ambitious this spring and put all my tropical house plants outside for the summer. They really get a boost of energy when you put them outside and grow like crazy.

It is best to have a shady spot, such as a covered porch, so they do not get sunburned. Unfortunately, I do not have such a place as my patio gets shade part of the time and sun part of the time.

(Plant thinks: Now you think of that. Its bit late after the damage is done.)

I am not really a gardening person, but I keep trying year after year.

(Plant thinks: Yeah, and you keep messing up year after year.)

Houseplants are native to the tropics and must come in if I don’t want to lose them. All my plants did okay outside except the corn plant, which did get a few spots of sunburn.

(Plant thinks: Good thing I’m not popcorn…)

The only things I did not put outside were the philodendron and rubber plant. If the philodendron does any better, I will be afraid to go to sleep at night less the vines creep up and strangle me.

(Plant thinks: I am the Rodney Dangerfield of plants. I get no respect. If I was a vine, she would be dead.)

My house does not have enough light, apparently. I have to keep them in front of a window or they drop leaves and die.

(Plant thinks: Duh! There are two things plants must have, water and light. )

“Will you help me bring in my plants?” I asked Honey. I can’t lift heavy pots of dirt.

(Plant thinks: Thank God! Why didn’t she think of that when she put us out? What goes out must come in.)

So, my kitchen table is full of houseplants. Actually, I don’t think there was any frost after all my panic, but there will be sooner or later, so they might as well stay inside.

(Plant thinks: Just don’t expect me to grow much inside.)

Those plants all need to be moved to the window.

(Plant thinks: No kidding Einstein. I need fertilizer. How about a plant light?)

The corn plant didn’t seem worth saving, but I read an article that said they are easy to propagate. Maybe I can cut it up and make several new plants?

(Plant thinks: Help! She is going to butcher us!)

My green thumb is itching.

(Plant thinks: Her brown thumb is itching.)

That coleus is huge! It is going to have to go back outside.

(Plant thinks: Murderer! )

Honey is not going to be happy about lugging big heavy pots around. After all this trouble, I hope they all live.

(Plant thinks: I need to talk to the philodendron and see if it can do a job for me.)

On days like this, I wish I lived in Florida where it is warm year round.

(Plant thinks: I’m ready. Don’t forget the fertilizer)