SpamWham™ Activation Notice

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Dear Customer:

You are receiving this notice as part of our continuing effort to fight unsolicited commercial email, commonly known as SPAM. Using SpamWham! ™, an innovative new computer technology recently developed, we are now able to automatically wham SPAM.

SpamWham! ™ will significantly reduce the intrusion of unwanted commercial mail into your inbox. It will automatically delete SPAM messages, duplicate them one thousand times, and return them to the sender with the following message: “You have been whammed by SpamWham! ™.” It will then automatically delete your email address from the spammer’s address book.

While we will make our best efforts to wham only unsolicited commercial email from your inbox, it is possible we may occasionally wham a message that you have requested. No matter what gets whammed, however, you can be sure that your SpamWham! ™ Weekly Newsletter will make it though any type of filter ever invented.

This innovative new technology will not only prevent intrusion of unwanted email into your computer inbox; it will also protect your telephone privacy. It will answer your incoming calls and delete calls from telemarketers. It will use callback to automatically return the call one thousand times, jamming the telemarketer’s switchboard, and rendering them unable to make any more calls for a period of 24 hours.

A small, nearly invisible SpamWham! ™ filter on your postal mailbox can also check and sort your snail mail, automatically removing legitimate letters while flipping AOL CD disks into the trash can unopened. It can open and shred up commercial junk mail messages, stuff them into the return envelopes, and stamp them “Return to Sender – Postage Collect”.

In addition, SpamWham! ™ filter can read newspapers and advertising circulars, automatically clipping and saving any articles on subjects in which you have expressed an interest, while rolling the remaining paper into usable firelogs for your fireplace and stacking them by your back door.

In the kitchen a SpamWham! ™ filter on your water system will remove dangerous chemicals, and produce purified, clean, and sparkling water. A SpamWham!™ filter on your washing machine will sort whites and colors, remove spots and stains, and leave your clothes looking whiter and brighter.

SpamWham! ™ in the bathroom will soften the water, remove mineral deposits, and prevent rings in the bathtub without scrubbing. It will also automatically write and email complaint letters to your metropolitan utility company.

A SpamWham! filter ™ for your furnace will remove pollen, dust and mold from the air, the pollutants that cause most allergic reactions in hypersensitive individuals. It will also filter out dangerous oxides, hydrocarbons, and particulates from the air that you breathe. It will vacuum cat hair from the furniture and clean the kitty litter box, creating a safer and healthier environment for your family.

Could your computer’s memory contain unsolicited pornography without you knowing about it? SpamWham! ™ will scan your computer’s memory, remove all references to porn, gambling and alcohol, and leave your computer as clean and innocent as a newborn babe.

SpamWham! ™ will prevent children from viewing undesirable content on the Internet by checking their I.D. and blocking the entrance into adult chat rooms of anyone under the age of 18. It will also make a mug shot and record the fingerprints of those attempting to enter and email the information to their parents.

Please note that we provide the SpamWham! ™ Filtering and Deletion System as a service to our users. If users do not want to use the service, they may opt-out. We make no warranties and disclaim any liability in connection with your use or inability to use this service.

We believe that SpamWham! ™ will significantly reduce the intrusion of unsolicited messages into your life. Should you want to reject this service, please accept our apology for trying, and pardon us for living! Forward a message to Customer Care and we will assure that as much SPAM as possible is directed your way.

Sincerely,
Your Friendly ISP

©2002 Sheila Moss
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About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites. SUBSCRIBE to my weekly columns hot off the keyboard and not available on my blog: humorcolumnist-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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