Although few people are aware of this, I could have been a painter if I had not accidentally become a humor writer instead.

Recently, I acquired a new front door for my house. “I can paint a door,” I
thought. “Why pay someone else to do it?”

I went to local hardware super store and bought a can of antique white
paint. I was pleased with myself for remembering to buy semi-gloss for trim instead of regular flat wall paint. I even bought a new paintbrush, further confirmation of my artistic abilities.

“That paint is really yellow,” said my honey.

“No, it isn’t. See, it says “antique white” right here on the can.” I
pointed to the words. Great painters do not need the advice of amateurs.

Back home, I expertly laid plastic sheeting down to prevent drips, stirred the paint, donned my imaginary smock and beret and began my artistic endeavor. Amazingly, the more I painted the less antique white the paint was and the more yellow it became.

“What do you think?” I asked my honey. All great artists like their masterpieces to be appreciated.

“It’s yellow.”

Maybe it’s only the way the light hits it?” I suggested.

“It’s yellow.”

Ha, I will ask my daughter. She may have inherited some of my artistic genes.

“It’s yellow.”

If I squinted enough to bend the light waves, it looked almost white to me. How could they call it yellow?

Finally, I had to admit it. My masterpiece was merely a yellow living room door. Furthermore, it totally clashed with my décor. Maybe I could add some yellow accessories, cushions for the couch, and a yellow throw rug to make it blend in. Only because I was afraid that it might glow in the dark and keep us awake, I decided to repaint it.

On the way back to the hardware store, I wondered why my do-it-yourself projects always have a way of going wrong. Life is so difficult for the artistically inclined.

This time around, I took a sample of my idea of “antique white” to the store with me. It was blatantly obvious by then, even to a talented painter like me, that all antique white paint is NOT created equal.

“I can match anything,” bragged the lady at the paint counter, eyeballing my color sample. What she meant was her computer could match anything.

She whisked the sample out of my hand and into a scanner that analyzed it and computed exactly how much of each color tint to mix with which base to create the correct color. Gee, paint mixing has sure come a long way since the olden days of matching up paint chips.

At the next station, she opened a can of paint, put the color code in a computer and I watched as it automatically spat out exactly the right mix. You can make any color you want and it doesn’t even cost extra? If only Picasso could have had high tech.

Back home, the yellow door flashed me when I walked it. I adjusted my beret and wondered if sunglasses would help reduce the glare.

The new antique white matched the wall perfectly. I let the first coat dry then gave it a second coat just to be sure any radiation from the yellow paint could not escape. I wouldn’t want to set off any fuzz busters in the neighborhood.

Now that my project is finished, I may go back to the hardware store just to hang out with the other artistic types and watch the computer mix paint. I wonder if they have ever considered serving espresso?

©2003

Do you do your own painting for small projects? Chalk paint is the latest rage, I understand. Any suggestions on a new project, maybe something yellow? (I already have the paint.)