- You are on a first name basis with the diet plan industry.
- Your refrigerator is empty except for diet cola and lettuce.
- The harder you try NOT to think about food, the hungrier you become.
- That was dinner? It was more like a snack.
- You dream of an ice cream sundae and weigh yourself when you wake up.
- You’re confused by terms like low cal, low carb, low fat, and low cholesterol.
- You wonder why broccoli and carrots can’t be fattening instead of potatoes and corn.
- You wonder what idiot tried to invent diet pizza.
- You’ve eaten so many carrot sticks that you’re growing a bunny tail.
- You lick the lid of the yogurt container.
- You drink black coffee – you don’t like it – but you drink it.
- You set speed records getting out of the supermarket before you are tempted.
- You suspect that low cal really mean low taste.
- You’re starting to feel paranoid about the bathroom scale.
- You even feel guilty when using sugar substitute.
- If this is food is so healthy, you wonder, why do you feel so bad?
- When you look in a mirror, you see two eyes, two ears, and two chins.
- How are you supposed to exercise when you are too tired from not eating?
- Your vocabulary has new words like antioxidant and nutritional value.
- You only eat foods with the two magic words “low fat.”
- You wonder why it’s so easy to gain it but so hard to lose it.
- You thought soy was animal food until you read the ingredients.
- You’d sell your soul for a dish of guiltless ice cream.
- If your ideal calorie intake was any lower, you couldn’t eat at all.
- If someone asks how are you, you say five pounds lighter.
- You consider it a compliment to be called skinny, string bean, or Boney Maroney.
- You’re offended when no one notices the pounds you’ve lost.
- Your bathroom scales and mirror are liars conspiring against you.
- You are a one-topic wonder….. dieting.
- You wonder who the idiot is that invented soy sausage and turkey bacon.
- Okay, so you’re a little grouchy, so what?
- You’d like to kill that person popping popcorn.
- You wonder if ice cubes have calories.
- How can a meal so small be called healthy?
- You wonder who the idiot is that invented veggie burgers.
- Your diet plan is to get finished with the diet.
©1999
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Yes, in case you are wondering, I’m on a diet. This is my first day, so I haven’t had time to get grouchy yet. Have you ever been on a weight-loss diet? Any advice for me?
Humor Columnist Blog 
Whoo Hoo! You said it! Been there, done that! Too many times. Good luck with your food choices. The best advice I ever got was, “Eat what you want, but take moderate servings.” That eliminates most of the cravings. Walking does more to shed pounds and reduce cravings. I still eat too many carbs, but I don’t binge any more. sd
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The diet I’m on is very structured and there are few choices. That’s what I need as otherwise I can’t do it. 😦
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I’m not sure if it counts as a “diet,” per se, but I have made the reluctant transition from Hot Pockets to Lean Pockets. In the excruciating months since, I’ve noticed that my health, vitality and sense of well-being have … well, they haven’t changed at all, really.
So I think my experience is proof positive that diets don’t really work.
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Hi Sheila, thank you for making me aware! I looked into it and it turns out the address assigned to our link was wrong. I think I fixed it. Let me know what you think!
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Okay, got it. Nice looking blog. Will read later when I have time to concentrate. On a rest break now. I am keeping a blog on my diet, but it is private. Thought it might help me.
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Loved the post. My wife and I are currently on a diet as well. We’re going the route of the “If It Fits Your Macros” or IIFYM. It’s actually been pretty great so far. Check out our blog for more info 🙂
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That’s great that you are both doing it together. My honey has in the past, but says he doesn’t need to this time. (untrue) I’m doing Jenny Craig. Very controlled diet, but it works. Good luck!
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PS: Clicked but your site does not come up. ??
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I was stunned when I learned that there are calories in oranges. Who put calories in oranges? That’s just wrong! There should be some foods (good-tasting) that doesn’t have any and celery doesn’t count at all! What normal person would eat celery anyway?
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I eat celery LOL It is something to chew on to help cravings. Carrots too. I get 1-1/2 fruits per day. Fruits are lower in calories than most sweet foods.
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Carrots are tasty. Not so celery which is only green gelatin! There shouldn’t be ANY calories in fruit. It’s just not right!
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I know I have a gambling problem when everyone in the casino from bathroom attendant to techs to cashiers to floor manager knows you by first name.
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Yes, I have that problem at IHOP.
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