The new line of comedy, they say, is to talk about yourself.  You and your life are your are your material.  Be your own critic and laugh at your own shortcomings.  Well, my shortcoming is an easy one.  What I do that annoys me the most is simple – I lose things.  What kind of things?  Well, important things, of course.  If they were not important things, it would not matter.  I don’t loose them forever; I just loose them temporarily, long enough to make me a blithering idiot, crazy with worry.

Ever lose your car keys?  When did you notice it?  When you start to leave, usually running late, and you look in your purse or pocket where you always keep your keys, but they are not there.  I usually run from room to room, searching for my keys, getting later and later by the minute.  Panic sets in.  Maybe I left them in the car?  So, I run to the car, but they are not there.  I look in the bathroom, take the cushions off the chairs, look under things.  What did I wear yesterday?  Look in the pockets – not there.  Panic!  Finally, in desperation – I dump my purse in the middle of the floor, and find that the keys were there the whole time. I just overlooked them.

Then there is the check book.  Same story.  I need to write a check and can’t find the checkbook.  But I know I had it the other day at the grocery story.  Look in the dresser drawers.  Panic!  Maybe I lost it…maybe some pickpocket stole it, slipped it out of my purse while I was busy.  He is probably writing checks on my account right now.  He is draining my account.  Panic!  Need to call the bank and stop payment on all my checks, right now before that thief  breaks me and gets my whole account.  What is my account number?  I find the statement from last month.  Oh…well, my goodness. Guess I left the checkbook with the paid receipts when I wrote checks last time.

And so it goes.

I’ve lost credit cards and called the last store where I made a purchase to see if I forgot it.  I’ve called the credit card company and reported my card stolen only to find it as soon as I hung up the phone.  Apparently, I’m not the only one that does this, as there is a special number just for lost or stolen cards.  I lost my entire purse, only to remember later that I left it in the car. I lost a ring and had written it off as gone forever only to find it months later in the bottom of a jar of jewelry cleaner.

Am I alone in this?  Do other people loose things?  I think I’m a reasonably intelligent person.  I graduated from college and as far as I know there is no insanity in the family.  Why can’t I keep up with my belongings?  Why have the gremlins chosen me to hide things from?  Am I getting dementia before I get old?  Or am I just in too big of a hurry to worry about small things, and let them become big things?  I’ve almost become obsessive, but things still play hide and seek.

Maybe it is just my destiny, to live in a perpetual state of  “looking for stuff.”  Maybe I should  give up trying to figure it out. Maybe I should save my mind for more important things – like finding my umbrella. If only my stuff would quit running away. If only life had a “find function” on the menu like my computer. If only I could find my glasses so I could see what I’m looking for.

©1999 Sheila Moss

Do you lose things, or is it just me?