Drive a pickup truck or SUV. They are bigger than the other cars on the road so you can drive faster. A pickup truck is best as you never know when you might want to haul junk or something.

Drive with your bright lights on, especially when following a smart aleck in a sports car. You have to be able to see where you are going, don’t you?

If the a traffic light turns yellow, accelerate to get through it before it changes to red so you won’t have to stop.

Never use a signal light to change lanes. The other cars will think you are going to turn left in front of them and slam on their brakes.

Always tailgate. If you leave any space, someone might get ahead of you.

Exceed the speed limit to avoid getting rear ended.

If traffic is stopped on the Interstate, drive on the shoulder of the road and get off at the next exit.

If you change your mind or miss the exit, use the shoulder of the road to back up. That’s what it’s for.

Never expect salt on the road when it snows. Salt costs money. It’s everyone for themselves under hazardous conditions.

Never stay home because you don’t know how to drive in snow. Get out as early as possible to see how bad it is.

Semi trucks with double trailers should always drive in the left-hand passing lane as they are in a bigger hurry than everyone else.

Gasoline tankers should drive as fast as possible through urban areas so they will endanger public safety for a shorter period of time.

Never slow down or brake until you have to in order to avoid wearing out your brakes. Also, use your windshield wipers on low speed to keep from wearing them out.

Slow down and rubberneck at construction equipment on the side of the road to see if you can tell how much longer it will be until they are finished.

If there is an accident, slow down and take a really good look to show everybody how glad you are that it is someone else and not you.

If the road narrows down and number of lanes decreases, drive as fast as you can in the lane that is ending and dart in front of someone at the last minute. You can always bluff them.

Out-of-state drivers and tourists deserve no special consideration just because they are not familiar with the road. Cut them off, if possible, and teach them to stay out of your way next time.

Never drive with the flow of traffic. Weave in and out and use all available lanes to prove how good you can drive.

Make the most of your commute time by smoking, drinking coffee, eating, adjusting the gadgets on the dashboard, talking on your cell phone, or texting while you drive. Just try to keep one hand on the wheel most of the time.

Drive a bit under the speed limit in the HOV or passing lane. That is fast enough and it will teach everyone else to slow down.

Never slow down or allow traffic to merge in front of you. Getting on the Interstate or changing lanes is their problem. Let them outrun you – if they think they can.

Remember, be aggressive and don’t let people run over you. It isn’t your fault they don’t know how to drive.

©1999 Sheila Moss