If It Looks Like a Duck…


Duck Tour by Dwayne Tate (own work)  – CC-BY-NA 2.0 2005- Flickr

If It Looks Like a Duck and Quacks Like a Duck…

Dear Duck Adventure Tour Company:

This letter is in regard to the recent exciting Duck Adventure Tour our tour group took with your company. I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t even know what a Duck Tour is. Since I’m not into duck hunting or bird watching, I didn’t think it would be much fun; however, I was willing to give it a try. Besides, it was raining and I didn’t have anything else to do.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that the “duck” was an amphibious vehicle which could go on both land and water (just like a real duck, I suppose). I found out later that this type of vehicle was first used in combat in WWII and was known as a DUKW. As much as it rained that weekend, a “duck” adventure turned out to be appropriate in more ways than one.

I must admit we were a little bit unhappy when you forgot to pick up our group according to the prearranged plan and left us standing around the hotel lobby for an hour. We do understand that scheduling exact times is difficult, especially when dealing with low-paid and forgetful staff. But aggravating 20 people who post everything on Twitter and Facebook was probably not the best public relations move your company every made. We did, however, manage to pass the time by blowing soap bubbles from our own yellow duck-shaped bubble bottles, which got us into the spirit of the tour and shows how serious we are about our fun.

It was too bad the weather was so cold and wet that we had to view the city through the plastic enclosure flaps on the vehicle. We understand, however, that you are unable to give a poor weather discounts. Those vehicles must require a lot of gas, rain or shine, which isn’t cheap. We also regret that we were unable to get a discounted group rate for our large party, however, we do appreciate the yellow plastic duck callers that you gave us instead. They really came in handy for quacking at the locals, like a bunch of yokels… er… tourists.

We liked our friendly and courteous tour guide, Donald. His jokes were a bit stale, but we know that good material is hard to find. Actually, the one-liners from the group were funnier than his stuff. If we find any old comedy material around that is not being used, we will submit it for your consideration. Realize that we are not terribly motivated, however, because due to your low budget and high operation expenses, we could probably not expect any financial reimbursement and the satisfaction from having material heard by thousands of bored tourists only goes so far.

We hope that you will take notice of Donald’s driving. Was his previous work experience from driving a fire engine or from being a New York City taxi driver? We hope he is studying hard for his driver’s test and will soon have a genuine chauffeur’s license. His foot probably slipped on the accelerator when we got to the lake, which would explain why we hit the water so hard with the vehicle. That large wave that came inside was quite annoying. But, perhaps if we had bailed a little faster, we would not have been so wet.

We would like to take this opportunity to apologize for the international incident that we created by blowing our duck quackers at the group of demonstrators. Who knew that they would be such bad sports about it? We were also sorry to learn about the two old women who were hospitalized for heart problems when we quacked at them and the construction worker who fell three stories when we quacked our duck quackers at him. While we regret any embarrassment it may have caused, you may rest assured that Donald made us do it!

Other than the minor annoyance listed above, we were very pleased with the adventure tour and it was one of the highlights of our trip. We hope this letter has not ruffled your feathers too much. Next time, could we just put the charges on your bill? (I had to get a little lame duck humor in some place.) And next time, could we have a just little less soup with our quackers?

©2000 Sheila Moss

About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
This entry was posted in Entertainment, Humor, Travel and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to If It Looks Like a Duck…

  1. Does Polly Parrot eat duck quackers ?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lois says:

    LOL, for a few minutes I thought that you had come to Seattle for the Duck Bus Tours, but the picture you show is a different model from the Seattle ducks. Seattle of course is know for its rain etc. Loved the column as usual.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a comment and make my day.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s