I Resolve

timeIt’s time to make New Year’s Resolutions again. Everyone is feeling a bit guilty about all those calories consumed over the holidays. The beginning of the calendar year always seems like a good time to get a fresh start.

Looking around, I see other people with innumerable things that need changing. It seems as though it might be easier to make resolutions for other people than for myself. I fight mental block and grind my teeth. There must be SOMETHING wrong with me. After all, nobody is perfect.

Reluctantly, I resolve not to drink so much coffee. Guess three pots a day is a bit excessive. Wonder if that has anything to do with the anxiety I’ve felt lately? Nah, it’s probably something else.

I resolve to get more sleep. Go to bed earlier? Why, that’s unthinkable. That would require missing the end of a TV program that I’ve only seen once or twice before – or, even worse, not reading all my email.

I could spend less time on the computer and more time on self-improvement type activities? Ha, don’t be ridiculous, how can I know what to do to improve myself if I don’t look it up on the Internet?

I would resolve to stop smoking, but since I am a non-smoker, maybe I’ll just resolve to remind everyone else that they should stop. Boy, that ought to make me really popular!

I might resolve to be neater and to organize things better. Of course, I would have to wait until I have time to get organized before I could do this one. Compulsive neatness makes people uncomfortable anyhow. I may need to prioritize on this one.

I could resolve to work harder and be more efficient. But to be efficient, I need to have some time off for relaxation and recovery. How can I be more efficient without rest?

I might resolve to take an educational improvement course of some type. Let’s see, cooking? No, I already know how to cook. Golf? I’m not interested in hitting balls around. Music? It takes too long to learn. I just can’t think of anything that I want to improve enough to devote the work necessary to do it.

Probably I could eat more nutritiously and cut down on fats and calories. Of course, I’ve been trying to do that for years anyhow. Besides, everyone makes New Year’s Resolutions to lose weight. Nothing creative here. Maybe I could resolve to GAIN weight. Then if I don’t keep my resolution, I would be better off instead of worse off.

Maybe I could resolve to drive more carefully and always obey the speed limits. I do this one already. Ha, ha, just kidding you law-enforcement officers. (Whew!)

I could also resolve to relax more. Of course, just deliberating the need to relax makes my heartbeat faster and my blood pressure rise. Face it, if I relaxed any more, I’d be a couch potato. Pass the remote control, would ya?

Everyone resolves to save money. But, what’s the point of saving money unless I want to buy something with it? And if I’m going to spend it anyhow, why bother to save? All I do is eliminate the middleman by spending it as soon as I get it.

How about if I resolve to be more productive? I never did know what I was supposed to produce to be productive. Is it possible to be productive without a product, or is productivity itself a product? It all becomes very confusing.

That is the whole darn troubled with New Year’s resolutions. If you can, you already are. If you can’t, then why worry yourself to death with resolutions?

The best idea of all still seems to be the classic one of resolving not to make any New Year’s Resolutions.

Copyright 2001 Sheila Moss
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About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites. SUBSCRIBE to my weekly columns hot off the keyboard and not available on my blog: humorcolumnist-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
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4 Responses to I Resolve

  1. That’s the best New Year’s resolution yet! Making resolutions has always been easy for me, but keeping them? Not so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. sandypolsky says:

    I was wondering whether you can help me get my humor columns published. I’d love to send you some samples. Thank you! My email is sandypolsky05@gmail.com, and phone is 908-451-6758.

    Like

    • Sheila Moss says:

      Hi Sandy, There are no shortcuts to publication. If I knew one, I’d take it myself. It is up to editors and publishers to decide what/who they want to publish. There are workshops and books written on the topic. Two of the best articles I know about it are ‘How to Become a Columnist,” by Dave Astor, and “Be a Columnist,” by Laura Snyder. You can go to the NSNC website http://www.columnist.com and use the search feature to find them. An excellent book was written by Suzanne Martinez Standring, “The Art of Column Writing.” It is on Amazon. Join the NSNC or Erma Bombeck writer’s group and attend some of the conferences. Keeping a blog with your articles is a good beginning.

      Like

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