Confession of a Couch Potato

couchI’m a couch potato. Probably you always thought that men where the only ones who deserved this description. I’m here to say that women are almost as lazy as men at times, and we deserve equal opportunity to claim the starchy vegged-out distinction. I’m not just an ordinary couch potato, but an expert at fine couch potato technique. Only one thing is really necessary for being a couch potato, and that, of course, is a couch. There are, however, other things that give couch potato status greater comfort.

Any good couch potato, male or female, will tell you that their most non-productive minutes are spent in front of a television set. While not absolutely essential, it does help to have the television playing so that the couch spud at least appears to be doing something.

Sports are favorite views for spuds as we can let the game drone on and on while we snooze away the hours in non-productive loafing. Programs to avoid are crime and police dramas that have car chase scenes. These are most annoying and the racket of sirens can wake up even the most dedicated snoozer.

Other accessories are also helpful in attaining the ultimate in couch potato comfort. Pillows for the neck are helpful. Naturally you do not want to use a bed pillow as that would betray your intention. Cute little sofa pillows work well and appear to be decorative accessories when not being used for their actual purpose.

A blanket to ward of chills while in an inclined position is also convenient. Again, we do not wish to use actual bed accessories, which betray intent. Small coverlets or the afghan granny knitted are perfect for this. They can be casually thrown across the arm of your couch as a decorator accent and quickly grabbed to double as cover when the urge to nap hits and we do not want to spoil the mood.

Couches come in assorted sizes and types. The best couch potato couches are long enough to accommodate the entire body while in a horizontal position. They should be soft and wide enough that you do not feel as if you may fall off. I have spent many lazy hours catching Z’s on my den couch, a perfect accommodation for a couch potato.

Unfortunately, my den is presently occupied otherwise and I must revert to an office loveseat for my fix. While soft, it is far too short. One must be a dedicated and determined couch potato to twist the body into a pretzel shape that will be accommodated by this sort of couch.

Creative technique, however, allows the wide arms to be used as headrest and footrest. Not complete comfort, by any means, but complete determination. One must be also willing to tolerate a minor neck ache when waking up from this position.

Why bother with all this, you say? If you’re sleepy or THAT lazy, go to bed! Obviously you do not understand the point. Years of practice are needed to perfect a couch potato technique. The point is NOT to go to bed but to catch forty winks elsewhere.

Some might consider snacks or drinks essential for perfect potatoing; however, I consider that as a pre-potato festivity. The true couch potato will be found in an inclined position, hogging the entire sofa, and pretending to be wide awake, even while snoring.

Too much time on my hands? Not at all! The best hours are those stolen when I should absolutely be doing other activities. Actually, I feel a bit drowsy right now. I think I’ll finish this column later. Would you pass me that afghan?

Copyright 2002 Sheila Moss

About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
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