I would like to thank you for making my recent trip to Dallas-Ft. Worth to the Newspaper Columnists’ convention so pleasant. I must confess that, although I had heard that things in Texas are big, I really had no idea exactly what to expect. Your hotel is so large that it took me the entire first day just to find my room in spite of the map that the desk clerk gave me. May I suggest that in the future you also issue compasses and horses.

I was especially impressed by the atrium in the center of the hotel, which would rival any botanical garden. The last I heard, we still had at least one columnist who was lost in the jungle and unaccounted for. We sent out several search parties; however, they always came back unsuccessful. We suspect that this is partly due to the fact that they were side-tracked at one of the watering holes and spent more time hanging out in the hospitality suite than actually searching.

In case there are any towels, coffeepots, hair dryers, TVs, irons, ironing boards or other items missing from my room, I would like to say in advance that you surely must be mistaken. Most likely those items were never there in the first place or were packed in my luggage totally by accident. Also, the safe for valuables that you placed in each room was a nice touch and security was very responsive to the request to come crack the safe open when I forgot the combination.

It sure is hot in Texas! I am recovering nicely from the hypothermia due to the air conditioning in the hotel. I thawed out completely during the sweltering walking tour of the town of Grapevine where the temperature soared to the high ninety’s. Please extend my thanks to the Grapevine Tourism Bureau for making us so welcome! I also enjoyed the nice wine reception that they gave on the first night of the convention, and still managed to make it to the convention’s breakfast the next morning in spite of my migraine headache.

I enjoyed all the writing workshops that I attended and appreciate the storage rooms behind the kitchen that you managed to free up for us to use. We are not at all angry with the eye doctors who were also there for a convention and who hogged up all the good meeting rooms that you had. The rumor that any columnists took passive revenge by wandering the hotel with popping eyeball glasses is totally false and without substance. By the way, if you found a pair of these eyeball glasses in the Yellow Rose Ballroom near the mechanical bull, please just throw them away as they do not belong to me.

I was impressed with just how big Texas really is and was especially in awe of the rush hour traffic in Dallas. I didn’t see any cowboys, oil wells, long-horn steers or other things usually associated with Texas; however, I did see plenty of wide open spaces, just like in the movies. I wore my convention-issued cowboy hat and pretended to be a cowgirl on the bus tour of Dallas. However, I suspect that I might have looked more like a stupid tourist than a real Texas woman — especially since a real cowgirl doesn’t usually have camera hanging around her neck.

I realize that we had a choice and am glad that you appreciate the fact that we chose your hotel for our convention. I know that there are Gaylord facilities in three other locations and will be happy to honor your request to not even think about ever staying at any of them after this. And in case you are wondering, the sheriff accompanied me all the way to the border and made certain that I got out of Texas before sunset!

Sincerely yours,

Sheila Moss
Humor Columnist

Copyright 2005 Sheila Moss