I was busy reading my email, ignoring the TV, as usual, when a story came on the 6 o’clock news that caused me to drop my computer mouse on the floor. They were putting up Alabama road signs in Massachusetts.

I couldn’t believe it either, but apparently a contractor was hired to put up highway signs with shape of the state on them, as well as the highway number. He used the wrong shape.

Since Yankees have always been so fond of making fun of our good ol’ boys from the South, I figured that it is our turn now. Even a redneck wouldn’t mistake Alabama for Massachusetts. Believe me, they are nothing alike – except to a Yankee that is smart enough to work on roads, but not smart enough to study geography.

Okay, maybe I’m being a little hard on them. The contractor tried to pass the buck, saying that he hired another company to make the signs. But he did put them up without noticing that they had used the wrong state. Not only was the sign wrong, but no one else noticed the mistake until much later. Maybe we could send some Alabama road maps to Boston so they will know what Alabama looks like?

Maybe they wanted folks to think they were in Alabama instead of Massachusetts, as an article from the Associated Press seemed to suggest. Maybe those northerners took a good, long look and decided the South with its mild winters was such a fine place to live that they just couldn’t measure up.

Maybe they were just so envious of all the redneck jokes that they wanted to try and get in on the act. Do you supposed they realized that accent of a New Englander, with its hard “r”, is much more humorous than the soft, velvet tones of southern voices?

Really, the two states have very little in common at all when you think about it. Those northern folks would need to import some hot weather, have a fish fry, and learn to two-step to even slightly resemble our southern culture.

I think they are envious of the South and the truth has finally come out. They are so jealous that they want to be the Alabama of the North, eating pinto beans instead of those baked ones, and topping it off with some southern coconut cream pie, much better that that cream pie from Boston.

Well, let it not be said that the South is not generous and understanding to our deprived neighbors north of “the line.” If they want to pretend to be like us, let ’em. That’s a whole bunch better than having them move down here. Let’s just let them stay up there and pretend they are “down home” in God’s county.

We know it must be tough to be from the North and that not everyone could be born southern, so we won’t hold it against them, like they have us. If they want to drink sweet tea at their next tea party, drive pickup trucks instead of running marathons, or even borrow Jeff Foxworthy for a day or two, we will understand.

We might even send them a care package of Kudzu seeds to help them get started out in the right direction. Or we could send a mason jar of those cute little critters known as fire ants. A few chiggers would be a nice gesture, just to show them our true generosity.

There’s only one thing that we would like to ask in return. Plant that Alabama road sign down here where it belongs in some good red southern dirt.

Copyright 2005 Sheila Moss
Edited