NOTE FROM AUTHOR: I received a warning from the Fashion Police this week. Apparently, I am not up to codes with my fashion choices. I really must shape up before the Fashion Police drag me away.

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Greetings: This is a citation to appear before the Fashion Police to be criticized.

It’s fashion week in New York, the only reason needed for the Fashion Police to be out in full force. The clothes you think are cool are not cool at all. “Comfortable” is not a word in our vocabulary. Comfortable does not make a fashion statement. Your must learn to value being fashionable over being comfortable.

Starting at the bottom, you should wear high heel shoes. These flat shoes that you find comfortable are unacceptable. You’ve been seen at a store buying shoes with rubber bottoms like a tennis shoe. Next thing, you will be at the shoe store trying on Naturalizers.

If you must wear jeans, they should be tight, and slim to show off your derriere, not loose in the seat to because you have a fat bottom. Jeans with elastic tops should be avoided like a Goodwill store. Just because a stretchy waist is comfortable does not mean it is in style.

Remember the golden rule of fashion: Thou shalt not forsake a designer label for the sake of comfort.

That swimsuit with a little skirt attached gave us Fashion Police a good laugh. Don’t worry, we will not tell anyone about it. Designers would not believe that anyone would be caught dead wearing a granny swimsuit anyhow. Wear a two-piece or stay off the beach.

Tops that are long and loose are not in style. Blouses and sweaters that are belted are in fashion now. If you were not wearing those (cough) elastic waistbands, you wouldn’t have to worry so much about covering them up.

Wearing longer skirts and dresses so you can sit down and not have to worry about what’s showing is ridiculous. Even more ridiculous is thinking that if you wait long enough, hemlines will go back down. You should know by now hemlines will only go down after you to cut off all your skirts and make them short.

Fashion week in New York brings out all the designers, models and beautiful people. You should pay more attention to what’s hot and what’s not, who designed what is in the media. Convincing people to wear over-priced clothes and make designers rich is what fashion changes are all about.

Clothes have become so revealing that CBS had to issue a “dress code” to keep women from showing too much at the Grammy Awards. Isn’t that the job of the Fashion Police? Many ignored their suggestions and barred it all anyhow. From now on, let the Fashion Police decide what is appropriate.

Ladies purses are getting larger. Women need a $500 purse with a designer’s name written all over it. Never mind if they are so big and heavy they need luggage wheels. You need to impress people. Otherwise, your friends will think you are too cheap to splurge on a good purse

What about coats and jackets? Don’t get us started. Warmth might be a consideration, but not necessarily the first consideration. Those bulky coats that zip up and have a hood are just plain tacky. You can do better. The little black jacket is this year’s fashion hit. Get one if you hope to be at all chic. Black is in, black, black, black.

Warning: Failure to heed this fashion citation can and will be held against you. We will humiliate you on Yahoo OMG by showing someone else wearing the same outfit, and looking better in it.

Fashion Police are everywhere, just like cheap designer knock-offs. You can try to avoid us, or ignore us, but you cannot escape the unsolicited opinions of the Fashion Police.

Copyright 2013 Sheila Moss