“Why, why,” I ask. “Why can’t I sleep like any normal person?” It’s natural. I’m tired. I need some good old restful sleep. Like 40 million other people, I have been cursed with insomnia. I either cannot go to sleep or I wake up after a few hours and cannot go back to sleep.

I don’t get it. I avoid caffeine drinks. I avoid napping during the day regardless of how tired I am. I do all the things the books say to do. Still, as soon as I hit the mattress, my eyelids go “ding” and spring open like a Jack-in-the-box. It isn’t for lack of trying, but the harder I try, the tenser I become.

I am cold. I put on a pair of socks and throw another blanket on the bed. I plug in a heating pad hoping the warmth will make me drowsy. “Relax,” I tell myself. “Just relax,” as if that is going to help. I am keeping myself awake by trying to relax.

I turn on the TV. Maybe if I just forget about sleeping, I will fall asleep. Hours later I am still watching TV. Have you ever tried to watch TV all night? There isn’t much on TV after 3 PM, at least not in our market. Crime, murder, and mayhem is all that is on.

I watch a lot of crime shows. I know all about using DNA, luminal and cadaver dogs to solve crimes. I know about bodies buried in the back yard, fed to alligators, dumped in rivers, and scattered human bones found by dogs. TV is not very helpful for sleep.

I toss and turn. I feel cold. My bladder calls out to me and I must get up. I am going back to bed and going to sleep. I am determined. But sleep still doesn’t come. What is that lump in the bed? Didn’t we just buy an expensive new mattress? Why do I think I feel a lump? I turn my pillow over. I try two pillows.

I ache all over. My neck hurts. I throw my pillow on the floor. I turn on my side. My knees hurt. I lay on my back. My leg goes to sleep. My shoulder hurts. I dig through the nightstand drawer and find the numbing cream which I put on my shoulder and knees. I am too hot. I throw off the extra blanket.

My allergies kick in and my nose is stuffy. I use nose spray and wait for it to open my sinuses. My back itches where I can’t scratch. I check the clock. “If I go to sleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.” I try to meditate. I pray, please let me go to sleep. Maybe if I get up for a while and drink something warm, I can sleep. No use. I am too tired and sleepy to get up.

“Take melatonin.” friends suggest. I tried it and it seemed to help — until it didn’t. “Drink a glass of wine before bed.” I’m afraid alcohol with interact with my other meds, and I have enough problems without becoming an alcoholic.

“Have you tried sleeping pills?” “Yes,” the drugstores are full of sleep aids and doctors are usually happy to prescribe something as easy as making you sleep. I sleep alright if the pill is strong enough, but I am groggy all day the next day. Not a desirable solution or something I want to resort to on a permanent basis.

I used to have no problem with sleep. Show me a bed and I was asleep in 10 minutes. What happened? I can’t sleep for worrying about not sleeping. I turn off the TV and shut my eyes tightly. “If I go to sleep right now, maybe I can still get a few hours of sleep tonight.”

“Why, why, I ask, why can’t I sleep like any normal person?”

Copyright 2023 Sheila Moss