Dear House Guest,

We are really looking forward to your visit. Here are a few things you might want to know about our household before you get here:

The big screen TV is not working. Because of this, Honey is spending a lot of time in the bedroom watching reruns of game shows. When the TV does work, I spent a lot of time in the bedroom to get away from reruns. Feel free to do the same.

You will have to sleep in my grandson’s bedroom. The goldfish does not make any noisy and the hamster only makes noise at night. When my grandson is home, he will want to use his computer in that room. If he asks for your credit card number, he is probably subscribing to something that you can only stop by canceling your bank account.

We have two rescue kittens that my grandson brought home. They are now wild cats and jump to the  top of the hutch, table, and everything else. It is not a good idea to leave food unattended as they might decide to sample it. Maybe you can get them to stay off of you, but I doubt it.

We also have two dogs. One dog belongs to my daughter. It lives under her bed and is neurotic. You probably won’t see it at all. The other dog will jump into your lap and lick you in the face. It will sleep on your feet at night. Be sure to keep an eye on anything you do not want chewed up, and if it has an accident, just clean it up.

We will be happy to let you help with cooking and cleaning as well as doing the yard work, buying groceries and paying the bills so you will feel at home. Honey will vacuum if you remind him several times, and take out the trash if you set the trash bag in front of the door. If you want to buy some groceries, he will help by following you around and telling you to hurry up.

You can only do two loads of laundry a day as it floods the septic tank and causes the plumbing to make gurgling sounds. Honey washes on Saturday, so you can do your clothes any other day. Be very careful with the commodes. If you put too much paper in them at one time, they tend to clog. We keep a plunger by the commode in case you need it.

My daughter lives with us. She will not give you any problems as long as she has cigarettes and books from the library. She spends most of her time in the garage smoking and reading. She cleans her own room, does her own laundry and feeds the animals. She has a lot of health problems, but she can show you the way to the emergency room if necessary. Do not let her use your car or you may never see it again.

Honey makes his own lunch, so we will not have to worry about that. Do not use any of his lunch food out of the refrigerator or he will get mad. Honey gets up at 4:30 so he can use up all the hot water for his shower. He will leave for work at 6:15, so you can go back to sleep if all the noise he makes wakes you up.

We do not have parties or invite anyone over as the dogs will bark and jump on them and the carpet smells too bad. Honey will not clean up his junk pile around his computer desk or the shoes under the bed, so don’t even bother asking about it. Also, don’t go in his bathroom unless it is an emergency for reasons I won’t go into.

If you want to get out and see the local sights, we can go for a drive to the pet cemetery or go bargain shopping at the Goodwill store.

I hope you will enjoy your stay.

Copyright 2009-2020 Sheila Moss
Revised
(Previous title TV’s ‘Wife Swap’)