NAME: Grumpy Ol’Phart

ADDRESS: None of your business. Can’t be too careful these days. Someone is always trying to take advantage of old people. You can’t have my social security number or bank account number either.

SEX: Of course, who do you think is buying all those little blue pills off the internet?

POSITION APPLIED FOR: Chief cook and bottle washer in the Over-the-Hill Club

PREVIOUS SALARY: Interest from my 401k (Ha, ha, I can forget THAT now that the economy has tanked!)

DESIRED SALARY: Retirement benefits, Social Security, and a stimulus check.

EDUCATION: Advanced Degree in the School of Experience

LAST POSITION HELD: Middle-Aged Codger

PAST EXPERIENCE: Too much experience for space allowed. *See story of my life attached.

NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENTS: Staying alive till I’m old enough to be a senior citizen is enough.

REASON FOR LEAVING PREVIOUS JOB: Arthritis, lack of enthusiasm, and retirement incentive bonus.

HOURS AVAILABLE: I’m planning on full-time retirement, so I can be a senior citizen 100% of the time from now on — unless something better comes up, which doesn’t seem likely.

ANY SPECIAL SKILLS: Putting up with young whippersnappers who don’t know what life is all about, learning to see through bi-focal glasses, eating with false teeth, remembering to take all my pills, and answering all the quiz show questions on television faster than the contestants can.

CURRENT EMPLOYER: A 30 year old who knows everything and doesn’t need anyone to tell him anything.

ARE YOU WILLING TO RELOCATE? Nope, I don’t like Florida. Too many tourists and hurricanes. I might travel and see what’s out there but other than that I plan to stay right here and clip coupons and play bingo at the Senior Citizen’s Center. Already too many seniors pulling campers all over the National Parks now.

ANY SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITIONS: Let’s just say I’m in really good shape for the shape I’m in.  Any other information is protected by HIPPA. I’m tired of filling out forms and answering questions about medicine and operations.

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? Yep, high mileage, like me, but good tires and just had the oil changed. I intend to drive it until I’m 99 or the wheels fall off, so don’t get any funny ideas about taking away my license. Haven’t had a speeding ticket in over 20 years.

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? AARP card, Medicare Card, Desk Clock and Certificate of Retirement. Funny how they give you a desk clock when you don’t care what time it is any more.

DO YOU SMOKE? What’s the matter, think I’m too old? Go ahead, card me. Make my day.

RETIREMENT OBJECTIVE: To spend time with my grandkids, take a lot of naps, travel and see the rest of world, and write a book. Winning the lottery would be nice if I can remember to buy a ticket.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? My only crime is getting old.

IS THIS INFORMATION TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Of course, at this point of life I’ve got nothing to hide. I just tell it like it is and the chips can fall where they may. Anybody doesn’t like it, that’s their problem.

REFERENCES: You doing a genealogy or something? My dog likes me. Other than that, ask my grandkids.

Copyright 2009 Sheila Moss