This is a piece I wrote about a Writer’s Workshop I attended. While the conference itself was enjoyable, I was most impressed by observing the antics of conference attendees at the hotel. If you have ever been to a large convention, you may have noticed some of the silliness that goes on at these events when a bunch of people are away from home and let their hair down.

We appreciate the business you gave us with your recent Writers’ Workshop; however, there are still a few unfinished items regarding your stay that need to be attended to:

We would like to request that all the guests who took our towels and linens home please return them. While the hotel expects you to steal the leftover soap and shampoo, taking towels to wrap souvenirs while traveling is a bit too much. Individual guests will also be contacted by the hotel regarding the missing irons, coffee pots, hair dryers, and television sets. Please be reminded that we have your credit card numbers on file.

The hotel may be forced to bill you for the carpet cleaning required in the ballroom where you held your late night festivities Saturday. While we are uncertain exactly what happened in there, it was reported that hysterical laughter ensued all evening and several people left with wet pants.

We regret that the hotel was unable to provide all of our guests with late checkout on Sunday because you stayed up too late, drank too much, and overslept. We received many complaints from our other guests regarding loud late night partying. You may be interested to know that our conference planners have been fired for their part in instigating your overnight pajama party.

A number of lost items were found in the hotel ballroom Sunday morning. Among the items were several empty wine glasses, a cell phone, two autographed books, a large blue plastic bird, and three pink bunny slippers. You may claim missing items by contacting lost and found at the front desk. The hotel staff does not wish to comment further on this.

Thanks to your group, we have lost some of our most valuable employees. One of our waiters became a stand-up comedian after catching the attendee comedy show Saturday night. He handed in his resignation to the hotel and has gone to California to get into show biz.

The bartender has been given a leave of absence to recover from exhaustion from pouring so many drinks. Fortunately, the hotel was able to replace her on short notice by giving the job to a starving writer who was willing to work for the experience and promotion.

May we take the liberty of commenting that the hotel takes pride in our excellent guest services and does not find tasteless jokes about our city funny. We are innkeepers, not humorists, and cannot be expected to laugh at your idea of a funny joke. Furthermore, a lot of tourists come here, for your information — some of them on purpose. We hope that tourism at the hotel will not be affected by any negative publicity you bring us.

That pretty much takes care of the major unfinished business. We realize that you have a choice and we would like to thank you for choosing our hotel. We would be remiss if we failed to inform you that we have generously opted not to put your group on the hotel’s “black list” at this time. After all, it was a writers’ conference and the hotel is willing to tolerate some friskiness.

Thank goodness it will be several years before you have another one of these conferences, and we will have time to repair the damage. We will be happy to recommend a competitor next time if the hotel happens to unfortunately be booked up for the entire spring and summer and unable to accommodate you.

Sincerely yours,

The Hotel Management

Copyright 2014 – 2023 Sheila Moss
Edited

DISCLAIMER: This is satirical humor and the opinions expressed are those of the author and not those of any actual hotel.