Once again my guy is glued to the television set all weekend watching football.

“Is that the same game? It’s been on for 4 hours.”

How would guys like it if we gals behaved the same way they do about something we like to do? Take shopping, for instance.

We would have a favorite mall to shop and think our mall is the best mall in the city, even though all malls are pretty much the same. We would buy T-shirts, sweatshirts, and hats to support our mall and show our loyalty. We would wear our mall’s logo to let other people know which mall we favor, but it would be especially important to wear these items when watching television commercials.

We would spend entire weekends glued to the television set watching commercial after commercial. If a program came on between commercials, we could ask our guy to bring us a beer or some refreshments so we could be sure to be there when the commercials come back on.

Even though we could record the commercials on video, watch an instant replay on TV, and might even see the commercial during another program, it just wouldn’t be the same if we didn’t see it the first time it aired. It might cause our mall bad luck if we fail to see the newest commercial. It could even cause the mall to be sold and moved to another city.

We could form Fantasy Shopping Leagues with the other gals at the office, pick favorite stores and watch special sales to see how much better our store’s sales are than those of competing stores. At the end of the year, we would have a big party, kid each other, and give trophies to the gals who saved the most money.

Occasionally, we might actually go to the mall and spend time shopping. This would be a rare and important event planned well in advance and anticipated with great excitement. On shopping day we would get there early, invite our friends, and have a tailgate party in the parking lot with the other customers while we waited for the mall to open.

We would talk non-stop to the other gals about the latest shopping expedition, the fabulous buys we made and how we scooped that item right out from under the nose of another shopper and ran 50 yards to the checkout without getting tackled or dropping the item. This story might be retold dozens of times, and each time it is told, the item purchased would be harder to obtain and more expensive.

We would lament for weeks if one of the gals maxed out her credit card. We would think about who might replace her during the next sale and whether the substitute would be as good a bargain hunter as she is or merely a fill-in until she returns. We would follow her credit line closely. However, if she shops frequently at a mall that competes with our favorite, we will hope she remains maxed out until the end of the fiscal year.

At the end of the year, all the malls in the U.S. would have a sale-off to pick the two best malls. These malls would compete with each other for the Super Mall Championship in an end-of-year clearance sale extravaganza. There would be celebrity performances to draw customers, media coverage for a month, and much hype surrounding the event.

There would be a raffle to see which shoppers actually get to attend the clearance sale. Scalpers would sell parking spots on e-Bay. Not actually being able to shop would not deter loyal shoppers who would wear their favorite T-shirts, order pizza, and have end of the year Super Mall Parties to watch commercials for their favorite mall.

“That’s ridiculous,” says my guy.

“Oh, yeah? Why isn’t it ridiculous to you when guys act this way about football?”

©2006