You guys spent last weekend watching the SuperBowl, didn’t you? And the weekend before that, it was the ProBowl. In fact, you have spent the last several months watching football, haven’t you?

How fortunate we are that Valentine’s Day follows the SuperBowl and end of the football season so closely. Almost seems like more than mere coincidence, doesn’t it? Anyhow, it is opportunity flaunting its Archilles heel. Football season is over and now is the perfect time to redeem yourself with your sweetie – the little woman.

So, what are your plans for Valentine’s Day? You DO have a plan, don’t you? Waiting until the last minute and calling the florist is NOT a plan! . Surf over to the gift selections and look at this one, “Call 1-800-flowers” (And pay $80 for a dozen roses that will wilt before she can get a good sniff.) Well, that should be enough to cool your enthusiasm for the last minute florist plan.

There’s always candy, you say? Now what woman in her right mind wants to blow her diet and ruin her figure on a bunch of chocolates from a lazy man? Truly, you can do better! And while we are on the subject of inappropriate gifts, stay away from Victoria’s Secret and the other sleazy lingerie departments. Velvet teddies? Stretch lace baby dolls? The idea is to get something for HER – not for yourself!

What does every woman want? JEWELRY. That’s simple enough. Too expensive? Well, a few minutes ago you were willing to spend $80 on a bunch of wilting flowers, so why not spend a few bucks for something that will last?

Gold is always nice – pure – like your love. See how this works? Stores are full of gold chains with little gold hearts at this time of the year. Very cute, a symbol of your love. Every woman has just a little bit of golddigger in her.

If you are not into cute gold hearts, how about some earrings? This means you will have to turn your eyes from the television set and look at her ears to see whether she wears earrings. Notice whether she favors the tiny little stud type or the big gold hoops. Remember – stick to gold, plain, pure, tasteful.

If you are a big spender (or didn’t miss a single game all season) get her a ring. The antique looking ones are very attractive and have a classic look. Don’t get sucked into buying those silly heart shaped “Valentine” stones – unless she is a teenager. If you are totally without a clue, just get a gold chain, the bigger the better. No woman can get too many gold chains.

Still thinking of something else? Oils, massage kits? Lotions? Bath products? Scented candles? Go back and reread the paragraph on sleazy lingerie. Perfume might work if you know the scent she wears. Don’t trust your own nose, however. Aura of Locker Room will NOT be something she likes – regardless of how good it smells to you.

What are you going to get in return? Don’t worry about it. Women know how to handle this holiday. She will remember and repay you. Trust me on this one.

I’m so happy we could have this little chat!!!

You are NOT going to send her an e-card, are you? In spite of everything we’ve discussed here, are you going to wait until the last minute and send a cheap, FREE e-card? Well, could you at least turn off the TV and not watch the hockey game?

©2001