Grumble… grumble… I guess I knew sooner or later my clothes closet would have to be cleaned.  I like to think of myself as an organized person – but the temptation to just stuff and stuff things behind a door that is kept closed anyhow is just overwhelming.

I remember a time in the distant past when I cleaned closets twice a year like the change of the seasons – whether they needed it or not.  I had closet organizers, those white wire racks that maximize the space – places for long and short articles, shelves for folded clothes, and racks for shoes.  It was beautiful.

I don’t really remember exactly when it was that I became a slob.  It was gradual and the details are hazy now. Maybe it was when I read that article in a women’s magazine about housework efficiency that said, “Why do things that no one sees but you?  For example, Why put paper on shelves?”  That seemed perfectly logical to me.  After all, my personal clothes closet is really not on public display, so why worry about it?

Whenever the change took place, I gradually began to let things expand, and expand, and expand.  Unfortunately, as the clothes collection slowly expanded, the closet did not. Everything just became packed tighter and tighter. Seldom worn articles gradually migrated to the rear, and the things I wore most were where they could be found.

Occasionally, something very out of season or fashion would overflow into a little used closet in another room.  I confess that I also put on a few pounds and “outgrew” a few things.  Of course, these were all things too good to throw away. Throw away my good red suit? After all, I do plan to lose weight and get back into it some day.

The golden rule for keeping control is: “Throw away an article for every new article purchased.”  Good rule – but rules are made to be broken as everyone knows.  And so my famous pointy toed shoes that I quit wearing years ago, continued to grin up at me from underneath the bottom row of long-out-of-style garments. Half the stuff in my closet was too small, too old, too worn, or just plain forgotten.  I had a closet full of “nothing to wear.”

I reluctantly resorted myself to the task and began to pitch things. Things I could or actually DID wear were put aside. Things still too good to part with that I might actually have a prayer of squeezing back into some day were relegated to another closet. Becoming ruthless, I pulled out things I had not worn for years and put them in a group for charity.  Finally, in all out reckless disregard, I trashed the stuff unfit for human habitation.  Goodbye forever pointy toes!  I can only be sentimental about shoes for so long.

It’s amazing how good it feels now to be able to go to the closet and actually find something to wear without digging for 30 minutes. I found things that I had forgotten I even owned. It was a fashion bonanza. I spend a lot of time now hanging out in the bedroom and admiring my closet. It looks great, all the blouses together, all the skirts on their little clip hangers, all the sweaters folded and stacked.

I suppose you think you will offer to let me clean out your clothes closet since I enjoy it so much and did such a good job?  My advice to you?  Get a life – get a wife – get real – get a pro – but don’t even think about asking me to clean another closet!  I am set for years – or until I move and have no choice, whichever comes first.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to go shopping and look for some of those cute little scented sachet packets that you hang in the closet. I might even look around for a new blouse to go with that skirt I had forgotten about, or maybe I’ll splurge on a new dress.  After all, there’s plenty of room in the closet.

©1999 Sheila Moss