Good day, Mr. Turkey. Thank you for agreeing to speak with us about life in the turkey shed and the approaching holiday season.
1. What sort of goals in life does a turkey have?
Well, I’ve been on a very strict diet lately. We turkeys have to really watch our weight at this time of the year or we could end up in hot water. My actual goal is to shrivel up to about the size of a feather duster.
2. Do you try to keep a positive attitude?
Oh yes, I’ve been lucky so far, made it though several Thanksgivings already. Just have to hide behind the door when you see them coming with the meat thermometer.
3. Do you have any significant relationships?
Well, I’m not exactly a lovebird as I’m too old and fat to spread my tail feathers and strut. The missus does have some good-looking thighs, though, and plenty of white meat in the right places.
4. What do you think about the Thanksgiving holiday?
Well, I’m a vegetarian myself. However, if you really want to know what being thankful is, visit the turkey shed on the day after Thanksgiving and talk to some of the turkeys that are still around.
5. Do you ever think you would like to move to a place where they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving?
What I’d really like to do is be a guerrilla turkey, live in the wild, and carry a gun to protect myself. They eat turkeys everywhere. Some places just spread it out through the year a bit more.
6. Are turkeys the only animals with this type of situation?
No, chickens have it pretty rough too. They are always in season. So are pigs and cows… which are much more delicious than turkey, by the way.
7. How do you deal with the constant challenge of unpredictable situations?
The only thing unpredictable is when — and with how much cranberry sauce on the side. How would you like it, never knowing if you will be deep-fried, roasted, or made into lunchmeat?
8. Don’t you like being a turkey?
Well, I’ve never been anything else, so that’s a bit hard to answer. I just wish those Pilgrims had never started this Thanksgiving stuff.
9. But, you must get a warm feeling from being wanted?
I try to avoid feeling warm, to tell the truth. I’m afraid that if I get too warm it may be a bad sign, especially if it’s at 325 degrees. Some days I have to check my popup timer just to be sure that I’m still alive.
10. Overall, would you say you are satisfied with your life?
There are a lot of things I’d like to accomplish before I go, like revenge against the meat industry, for instance. But I try not to dwell on those thoughts.
12. Do you try to make a good impression on others?
Are you kidding? I smoke cigars just to make me cough so they will think I’m too sick to slaughter. I may be a turkey but I’m not stupid!
12. But, don’t you believe that a turkey that isn’t consumed is useless?
Useless? I’ll tell you what’s useless. This stupid interview is what’s useless. Just get out of my beak. You are starting to really ruffle my feathers.
Well, maybe we better call it a day. I’ve got to hurry home and get ready for Thanksgiving. All the relatives are coming, and… er… I guess maybe one of your relatives as well.
So… that’s it from the turkey shed, folks. Thanks for the interview. Good luck, and I hope you will be around for a follow-up next year!