Dear Santa

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Photo by Joshua Ness on Unsplash

Story by Ben Baker & Sheila Moss

Ben’s letter to Santa (published by permission) shown in italics is a column that can (and has) stood alone.  Sheila just added her two cents worth from Santa to be aggravating.  The authors share a mutual interest in southern style humor.

* * * * *

Dear Santa,

Over the years I reckon you’ve been better to me than I deserve … if you ask some people.

Santa is glad to know that you are willing to admit your faults.  It is very popular to lie to Santa at this time of the year.  People forget that Santa “knows.”  You will be happy to learn that Santa does not listen to others’ opinions, he makes his own list and checks it twice – remember?

 I’ve been happy all these 30+ years (I still can’t count) to wake up  Christmas Day to find out you somehow managed to shinny down the chimney to drop all manner of stuff for me see.

You’re welcome.

But tell me, you jolly old elf, how do you do that? Seriously.

I tried to zip down the chimney here recently, just to make sure it was going to be safe for you, and got stuck. The rescue crew spent more time laughing than they did pulling me out.

That is pretty funny! Santa is sorry he missed it.  It’s probably just as well, though, when his belly gets to shaking like jelly, it can be hard to get it all stopped.

The chimney sweeps who had a nest in there were none to happy either. Do they bother you too?

No, they were probably waiting for me to arrive when you upset their nest and destroyed their Christmas tree.  No wonder they were upset.

I suppose you know, but now I can tell the rest of the world. Rusty Freeman and I once dropped firecrackers down the chimney trying to get rid of the chimney sweeps in the house I grew up in. It didn’t work and we filled the whole house with smoke. I don’t recommend trying this at home because the chimney could catch fire. Really.

Santa won’t comment on this as it seems you’ve learned your lesson. However, Rusty Freeman now shoots his shotgun up the chimney.  He’s a real problem for Santa.  What if he mistakes Santa for a chimney sweep?  See the problem here?

Furthermore, as best I can figure you’ve been round for longer than I’ve been alive. What’s your cholesterol level? Blood pressure? Blood sugar? When was your last doctor’s visit and did the doctor tell you to lose weight? If not, can I get an appointment with your doctor? Inquiring minds (and round people) want to know.

Santa’s health stats are a well kept secret, however, Santa doesn’t care for doctors either.  They are impossible to choose gifts for and ask for things like Peace on Earth, Freedom and Equality, and New Hospital Wings.  Who do they think I am, God?

And those milk and cookies. Please explain that. When my kids leave milk out at home, it turns solid in 20 minutes. Do you have a thing for stale cookies and sour milk?

I save the sour milk and Mrs. Claus makes butter for my morning biscuits. The cookies are pretty bad, but the chimney sweeps really like them.  See why they are so fond of Santa?

Let’s forget a moment about how you manage to circle the globe every year in 24 hours, with a visit to homes all along the way. That I can handle.

But do tell me, when you visit Australia and they are in the middle of a heat wave, it’s their summer you know, doesn’t that fur-lined coat get awfully hot? Heck, if I wore all that I’d probably fall out … again.

Yes, a fur trimmed bikini would be nice for the tropics.  However, people have come to expect the traditional red suit.  Santa tries to travel in the upper atmosphere most of the time where it is cool.  Also, the Aussies drink like fish, so I get a lot of cold tall ones there instead of the sour milk you Americans are so fond of.

I’ve seen pictures of your reindeer and notice they have some pretty small antlers to be reindeer (also known as caribou in some places). You might want to check at the feed & seed store for some high-protein and high-calcium food supplements.

Please do not criticize Santa’s reindeer.  So the antlers are a bit small! Who cares?  Do you really have any idea how hard it is to find reindeer that can fly these days?

You are also probably wondering what I want for Christmas this year. I took a few minutes and developed this short list.

More anchovy-jalapeno pizzas. I promise to not eat any after 10:30 p.m. if you’ll cooperate on this request.

Okay, that happens to be Santa’s favorite too. Santa does not deliver pizza, by the way. He suggests you call Dominos’.

Help me to remember to get J.R. from school every day at 2:30. I think the office is getting tired of calling me and asking if I intended to pick him up each time I forget.

Santa will take your request into consideration and check his list (again). You did give your okay for that X-box J.R. asked for didn’t you?

I’d really like to kill a deer this year and go to a good duck shoot. But, I’ll understand if you can’t arrange that. Some things are beyond Santa’s abilities.

Yes, I’ve received a lot of requests to deliver a new President this year too.  I’d say the chances of you killing a deer are about the same.

Could you do something about armadillos? Get rid of them in other words. When they open a combination hammered metal fabrication shop-ultimate heavy metal concert arena under the house at 2:30 a.m. each night to build and outfit a new space shuttle with speakers that can be heard from Mercury to Jupiter, well, that kind of gets on my nerves. Getting on my nerves being a polite way to put it. Besides my dogs feel it is their sworn duty to bark all night to let me know we have armadillos under the house making enough racket to drown out a Democratic filibuster.

If you think the armadillo’s sounds bad, you should listing to Larry Graves sing for a while.  You will change your opinion pretty fast.  As for the dogs, anything that can drown out the Democrats will probably get a bid to come to Washington soon, so enjoy them while you can.

Santa thinks you should relax more and worry less.  Otherwise he may be bringing you another heart monitor for Christmas.  Santa is taking time to write to you personally because he wants you to know that he cares, especially for other round people.

Now, if you will excuse him, Santa needs to go out to the workshop and see if the elves can work out anything for World Peace.  Santa seems to have received an unusually large number of requests this year.

Merry Christmas!

Copyright 2000 Ben Baker & Sheila Moss

* * * * *

Ben Baker, the Redneck Guru, is Editor of a Georgia newspaper, the “Wiregrass Farmer,” and a freelance humor writer whose columns have been widely published.  He is the author of a number of short humor books.

Larry Graves is a humorist who graciously lets us pick on him and has not sued yet.  Larry writes funny comedy stories. He also does some comedy songwriting and hilarious videos.

Rusty Freeman is a childhood friend of Ben’s.  I wouldn’t mess with him.

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About Sheila Moss

My stories are about daily life and the funny things that happen to all of us. My columns have been published in numerous newspapers, magazines, anthologies, and websites.
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