FROM: Kris Kringle
TO: All Staff
RE: Rules for Santa’s Workshop, Inc.
It has come to my attention that some of the staff are taking their responsibilities less than seriously. As you know, our business has the responsibility of providing presents for all the children in the world. Therefore, it is imperative that all staff maintains a professional demeanor and sustains production levels, especially during our seasonal rush.
1. The uniform for all elves is officially green. No more T-shirts with slogans such as, “Bah! Humbug!” should be worn. It is important that we maintain a professional appearance in the workshop. Pointed-toe shoes are also a part of the uniform whether you consider them nerdy or not.
2. It has been rumored that some elves are not paying attention to personal hygiene. Please be considerate of your fellow employees and do not come into the workshop without showering after shoveling out the reindeer barn. Mrs. Claus nearly passed out the other day. Suggested soap scents are bayberry, peppermint, cinnamon and pine.
3. Work breaks are a privilege, not a right. You will return from breaks promptly at the scheduled time. Hanging around the water cooler and ogling the new Princess Barbie dolls is unacceptable.
4. Overtime is available on an “as needed” basis. When you are on overtime, you should be busy working. Excessive testing of the Game Boys, Xboxes, Nintendo’s and other electronic toys during work hours will not be tolerated.
5. The Robosapien robot is the one of our hottest items. Please do not abuse these robots by having them fetch you cookies and milk from the kitchen or make them take your place in the assembly line.
6. All toys are manufactured to break shortly after the manufacturer’s warranty expires. It’s called job security. Please do not play with them before delivery or they will break too soon and have to be replaced for free.
7. Please be sure batteries are removed from toys before shipping. A dead battery in toys on Christmas morning is one of our biggest complaints. I might add that removing the battery from Rudolph’s nose last year was not funny, and if I find out who did it, you will be transferred to Donald Trump’s board room.
8. Absences will be excused for valid reasons only. Staying off work to watch movies or videos on your media player is not considered valid. Neither is snow boarding or tricycle racing.
9. Santa must do an extensive amount of travel at this time of the year visiting malls and making personal appearances in parades; therefore, please address any problems or concerns to Corporate Vice President, Mrs. Claus, during my absences. She will be able to reach me on my cell phone, a popular item held over every Christmas.
10. All elves will report to the barn early on the morning of the 24th to assist in packing the sled. Please do not whine about not getting to ride along. Any stowaways will be dealt with harshly. Excessive weight will slow us down and we might be unable to make it around the world by sunrise.
11. Reindeer should rest, eat a light meal on Christmas Eve, and be ready to travel at sunset. You deer have had 364 days out to pasture. Surely it is not too much to ask you to avoid grazing off the Christmas buffet until after the gifts are delivered.
12. The Christmas party will proceed as usual on Christmas Day. There will be goodies and gifts for all that attend. There will also be a drawing for a snow mobile, a ski trip to Sun Valley, and other fabulous prizes.
Thank you for your cooperation, and please remember to whistle while you work. After all, it ’tis the season to be jolly.