The North Pole seems to have moved south for the winter and we are shivering like castaways with hypothermia. Parking lots have become skating rinks, where we skid into the grocery store to replenish our emergency stash of bread, milk and toilet paper.
Plumbers are busy thawing out frozen water pipes and are expecting even more demand for their services when the temperature rises and broken pipes thaw. Furnace companies and tow truck operators are also doing a booming business.
I’ve become somewhat of an expert at slinging the ice melt on the driveway, looking for sales on fireplace logs, and watching TV reports about people that have it worse than I do. For those less familiar with harsh conditions, here’s a bit of unsolicited advice gleaned from experience:
HOW TO MANAGE COLD WEATHER
- Get out of bed.
- Turn up thermostat and get back in bed where it’s warm.
- Get out of bed again.
- Look for lost house slippers.
- Try to take a shower and get dressed.
- Call plumber to come and fix frozen water pipes.
- Use hair dryer to unfreeze lock on car door.
- Call AAA to come and start car.
- Drive with one hand at a time. Steering wheel is cold.
- Call and leave message that you are on the way.
- Try to control skids on icy street.
- Explain to neighbor that you are sorry about hitting the mailbox.
- Try to drive through major intersection with malfunctioning frozen red light.
- Sit in a traffic jam for an hour due to numerous accidents on the road.
- Look in rear view mirror and see car skidding toward your rear end.
- Exchange driver’s license and insurance information.
- Call and leave message that you are almost there.
- Park car and very carefully walk across frozen parking lot.
- Get up. Look to see if anyone saw you fall.
- Hope that your wrist is only sprained and not broken.
- Go to emergency room and have wrist x-rayed.
- Go home and call a furnace repair service to check your overworked furnace.
- Turn on TV and hear prediction for snow and more sub zero temperatures.
- Build fire in fireplace, pour a cup of coffee, and swear to stay inside until Spring.